#they make him MORE depressed. he would rather be ugly crying about how he's tired of existing while listening to the ying yang twins. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

provisionalsparkle · 3 years ago

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The Boy Next Door

Reader x Bang Chan (Stray Kids)

[Genre] exes-to-lovers au, smut, angst.

[Word count] 6.7K

[Warnings] Smut. Angst. Unprotected sex, voyeurism, ample description of bodily fluids.

[Note] This is my contribution to @feliix ’s Summer 2 Lovers collab! Check it out!

Summer.

The season of fun and sun, careless joy, long days and warm nights…

For most people.

For you, this summer is about change. It’s about the little town you used to live in, the quaint house you grew up in, the smell of your mother’s cooking or the breeze from the yard, the sound of younger kids playing in the street. It’s about the big city you will go to live in, it’s purple and orange twilight skies, black silhouettes reaching toward the skies beginning to twinkle with golden lights, the noises of the traffic coming from evening bustle, the scent of the delis and restaurants that line the streets.

You were stuck between these two places, university having been a four year long limbo of boundless sex mislabeled as self-discovery, and now visit your home one last time, reminding yourself of the life you had there before moving on to another.

You think of the past with nostalgia, yet also with a restlessness that makes you want to run from everything. The stillness, the silence, the unchanging landscape in this little town is too unbearable, too unsettling. But it’s familiar, and it’s comfortable. The life you’ll soon live promises excitement, autonomy, it’s the adulthood you’ve fantasized about. It terrifies you too, and you have these horrible dreams about missing the payment of the most insignificant bill and having the entire world collapse on you because of it. You still don’t know how to do your taxes.

College is over, a new life awaits you in a big city after landing a rather ideal job, but it felt like you were leaving things behind. Funny how, after so many years of fantasizing about this grown-up life you suddenly felt like a lost child, scared to forgo the familiar.

It’s these sort of almost-quarter-life-crisis thoughts that fill your mind on a particularly warm afternoon. You’re indecently splayed out on a couch with as little clothing as possible, the door to the backyard is wide open, letting an occasional breeze waft in to disrupt the stifling stillness of the heat. The lights are off, and you were too unbothered to turn them on as the sun set, preferring to stare at a darkening ceiling as the evening sky turned purple.

There’s a familiar jingle of keys from the front door.

“Honey? You home?”

“I’m here, Mom.” You lazily answer back. She wanders from the hall to the living room, you can feel the judgemental look she gives you.

“Have you been laying like this all day?”, indignation lines her voice. Was it so surprising to find you like this?

“Yeah…”

“You can’t just lay here all day. Go out! Get some sun! Go play with those kids you used to hang out with from school!”

“I can’t Ma, I’d rather just plank here.”

“Oh goodness, Y/n. Give me one good reason you shouldn’t go hang out with them!”

“I’ll give you two: either they grew up to be total bitches or they had kids and became a bore.”

“I didn’t become a bore when I had you!” She exclaims, although it’s not too serious and some playfulness hides beneath the surface.

“Yeah, that’s because you’re a cool mom. They don’t make those anymore.”

“Hmm… well, I think you should make a bit of an effort.”

“Mom… it’s my last vacation you know -”

“You know what?!” She suddenly exclaims, her voice brightening like a lightbulb just radiated in her thoughts. “Mrs. Carson’s son is here with her for the summer too! I bet you haven’t seen him in ages, and he’s gotten so handsome.”

“Mrs. Carson?” You didn’t have any clue who that was.

“Well… you might remember her as Mrs. Bang, but Jane changed her name when she married Norbert a few years ago. She still lives next door and Christopher’s in town spending the summer with his mother.”

Bang…

Christopher…

You hadn’t heard that name in years. It surprised you a bit actually, and a hint of a smile came to your lips.

“Yeah, yeah, Mom… I’ll think about it.”

You wouldn’t admit… something did grab your attention. A curiosity of sorts.

You were fifteen years old when you had your first kiss. He was a short boy with a kind smile, a bit awkward really, but you had a fondness for him. It wasn’t about looks at all, all boys at that age were hideous and nothing would change your opinion on that, but you’d swoon whenever you saw him. It was mutual, an icky teenage infatuation that had your friends poking fun at both of you whenever you’d become giddy at the sight of one another. Hot faces, nervous glances, trembling innocent touches.

He sat next to you in chemistry and you’d hold hands under the lab table while the teacher gave class. His left hand always felt soft in your right one. Cute. It’s a bit silly but you’re glad you had that sort of adorable and silly romance. While it lasted, that is.

Christopher wasn’t a bad guy. He was stupid, like all boys that age.

When you saw him kissing another girl, of course you cried, but you knew it had to do with him being stupid more than anything. This simple looking girl that you had been friends with in elementary school, you can’t even remember her name.

You know why he did it, beyond his stupidity. Your mom had let it slip long before - you knew it was coming.

“Honey, would you believe? Mr. and Mrs. Bang are divorcing!” Probably just some hot gossip from one of her PTA yoga groups, no ill intention on your behalf. She didn’t know you were seeing Christopher - over your dead body. You were fifteen and a horrible student, you didn’t need to give your mother yet another element to ground you with.

“Oh no…” You acted as normally as you could, your first thoughts went out to Christopher first though. “Do you know why?”

“Well… I’m obviously not going to ask, duh! But I do know that Mr. Bang is taking the kid with him abroad.” What?! What did she just say? Chis is WHAT?!

“I - uh, what?” Act normal, act normal, act normal.

“Aww… sweetie, was he your friend?” Goodness, parents can be so oblivious, but it’s beneficial in this case. She doesn’t pick up on the depression of your mood.

“I guess.” A sniffle is about to threaten your composure so, in your teenage arrogance, you leave before your mother can see your teary eyes.

The subsequent days were strange. You expected Christopher to tell you the news, you expected to comfort him, you expected to live out the rest of your young romance as best as you could. And then… you saw him.

And he said nothing. He was cold, pushed you away. He must be going through a lot of pain, you thought. More days went by and he still said nothing, and his demeanor grew worse, no affection, no smiles. He must be having a hard time, you reasoned.

Sometimes you thought he was on the verge of saying something to you, like he was about to say something and the words threatened to come out but he’d suddenly pull away and swallow them. You didn’t question it really, it was so confusing but you just went with it.

You never held his hand in chemistry again.

Time made you realize that Christopher didn’t want to be with you anymore. You weren’t sure if it was because he stopped liking you, and that hurt a little, but you knew what he was going through, and you stood by him in case he ever chose to open up and cry on your shoulder. You’d be there for him.

When he kissed that girl, it didn’t really surprise you. Damn it, what was her name? You cried, you thought it was because you were ugly and your boobs were still pretty small - stupid reasons.

It took a few months for you to understand the real reason.

He left without saying goodbye. You never spoke to him after he kissed what’s-her-name. Maybe he tried to do so a couple of times, but you ran away or didn’t let him. Or maybe you remembered it that way to comfort you, just so you’d live with the thought that he tried to apologize, tired to make things right.

But the fact of the matter is he didn’t speak to you and he didn’t say goodbye. He didn’t want to.

He didn’t want to say goodbye because it hurt.

He was trying to ruin your relationship so you’d break up with him and he wouldn’t have to say goodbye, so that he could kill the feelings you had for him to spare you from the pain of his departure.

Or maybe you were just imagining it like that to make it a cuter memory and think about it fondly.

Maybe in the end, Christopher was just a horny teenage boy that cheated on you. Maybe.

Regardless, you giggle as you think back on the silliness of it all, and how serious and life altering it all felt in your childishness. It seemed so long ago, so distant, and you were so changed that it felt like it had all happened to a different person. You wondered about the man next door, and the entirely different boy who had once been next door. What kind of person had Christopher become?

University did you well. It was four solid years of irresponsible drinking and uninhibited sexual exploration paired with relatively easy academics. You don’t know how it happened, but it had been like a transformation from one day to the next.

You, sort of, kind of, absolutely plain and normal girl that no one would notice lest you stepped in their line of sight. One day, there you were - normal.

Two weeks in - boom. Confident. Your roommate was an okayish girl, another plain one. Then you started noticing how comfortable you were undressing in front of her, to change clothes or whatever, as if it was the most normal thing in the world - which it was. Wearing shorts and skirts became less of a worry, just something that felt better. Sometimes you’d be thrown icky glances from some boys, which you hated, but others were acceptably flirty and you loved those. The best ones were the boys that would get shy and who would quickly whip their heads the other way once you caught them staring.

That definitely flipped the switch. It made you feel strong, it made you feel damn good. You, who at the most had dipped a finger into the world of heavy makeouts during high school, now became a seasoned seductress of all kinds of men. So long as you could wrap them around your finger with your demeanor, so long as you could prowl over them and take the lead.

Ah… the good old days.

What was going to happen now, though? Four years later, no slightly inexperienced men left to be wowed. Everyone you knew was turning into a bland and bitter office worker. Was this the end of it?

To think that you’d be ending this glorious chapter of your life in this tiny town, lounging on the same stuffy couch in the same hot living room every day, having your routine philosophical melodrama where you’d stare at the ceiling in the afternoons until your mother came in inquiring if you were alive. It was a terrible fate.

A few days after the revelation of Christopher’s presence, which you would never admit had been circling your mind nonstop, your mother returns with another piece of information.

“You know, Jane and Norbert are having a get together of sorts next Saturday - just the usuals from the block.”

“Is that so?” You said with disinterest.

“In fact, I borrowed a baking pan from her last week… why don’t you go over and give it back to her for me? She might need it, and you probably haven’t left this house in days.” You didn’t reply, but you could feel her eyes on you, waiting for you to obey.

“Fine…”

The afternoon was enjoyably fresh, although your white t-shirt stuck to you like a second skin, the bikini top you wore underneath tracing its silhouette into the cotton. You lazily stomped your way to the house next door, admiring the tall window where you had snuck into Christopher’s room a couple of times during your short romance. A ladder was perched up against the exterior toward that window, they must have been fixing things up. The porch was full of cans of paint, tools, boxes. It was only when you rang on the doorbell, begrudgingly holding the large tray, that you realized that Jane might not be the one to open the door but instead it could be -

The door swings open and you gasp. Christopher.

Well… his face hadn’t changed much. But he was slightly taller than you remembered, far more masculine, oh, and he wasn’t wearing a shirt. Yeah, he was shirtless… jeans hanging low on his hips… shirtless… abs… fit waist… arms…

“Hi! Is Jane home?” Good… pretend you don’t remember him.

“I - Uh… no, my mom’s actually out right now.” He replied. His voice had grown deeper, and where did he get that accent? Wait - did he not remember you? Now, that just made you angry, but you wouldn’t let it show.

“Oh, well… my mother wanted me to return this.” You say handing him the tray, avoiding trailing your eyes downward.

“Yeah, sure. I’ll give it to her.” He says. He seems a little frozen, an expression between surprise and caution lingers on his face, but you don’t know if it’s good or bad.

There’s a moment of silence where you just stare at each other.

“Y/n…” He finally says. There’s hesitation in the way he says your name. He’s scared, not of you, but he’s scared about the fact that you’re on his doorstep.

You don’t say anything, calmly, almost coyly, waiting for him to continue. You’d gotten rather good at pretending you were calm, and the slightest tint of a smile painted your lips so you wouldn’t seem cold or ingenuine.

“Do you remember me?” He asks. You can’t help but huff, a tiny laughter really.

“Of course. You know, you haven’t grown much taller.”

With those slightly playful words, you turn to walk back to your home, and with each step your impression of the encounter with your childhood love became more bitter and less sweet.

It was strange how you thought about him, about it. The situation, that is. Seeing him, talking to him, both of you now being older. A few days of thinking now.

You don’t know why you thought about it so much, but you thought about it. You thought about it without knowing how you felt about it or what you thought about it. This man you had only gotten a glimpse of, too overwhelmed to take in his features properly, now walks around your mind freely. He wasn’t the boy you knew. He wasn’t the boy next door whose hand you’d once hold in chemistry, who you’d kiss before turning the corner towards both of your homes. The boy who left all those years ago.

No, it wasn’t that boy. It was that man, who kept perturbing you. What did you feel? Interest? Yes, there was something quite intriguing about all of this which sparked your curiosity. Lust? Of course, absolutely, the man next door looked divine. Suppose you could abstract the person from his body, so that you wouldn’t be so bothered by who he was and what he meant to you, and you’d easily bend over in front of him and invite him in.

You supposed a conversation was in place, though, because after all, he was still the Christopher. You couldn’t just go around fucking people like that anymore - unfortunately. That was something you got away with in college. It’s a shame college boys grow up to be boring men, sex gets more boring, they think they have all the authority… Maybe you should go back to school.

You’re sitting on the windowsill of your second floor bedroom, one leg hanging out and stepping onto the roof. Opposite to your window, beyond a neat shrub, is the window of the guest room of Mrs. Carson, formerly Bang, which seems unchanged from when you last saw it. You remember watching her from your room, also unchanged, using the TV in there to do some aerobics she followed along from a VHS… was it a VHS? No, that’s the machine. What were the things you used to put in the VHS? A cassette? No… regardless, eventually she must have started using DVD’s.

Damn it, it all seemed like thousands of years ago.

Damn it, you were still so melodramatic throwing around words like poetry over some Richard Simmons tape. Aha! It’s a tape!

Your crotch is being dug into by the window frame, and you let your weight rest on it, the slight grind tempting you to have a round of masturbation. But you’ll finish the cigarette you stole from your mother first. It tasted awful, it was another adult thing you couldn’t understand. Why did everyone at university smoke so much? It was just another thing their eager teenage selves did to emulate the adults in grown-up world, to feel a little more grown-up. Who the hell likes this stuff?

But you liked watching it burn, occasionally inhaling its airy and bitter smoke. It wasn’t your preferred type of smore. You preferred watching papers and matches burn, their sweet and rich smell, the warmth of the fire that would sting the edges of your fingers. Shame your mother only used a lighter, you didn’t like the smell of that fire either.

You just surrendered to watching the bright tip of the cigarette and the white streams that came from it.

“You know those are bad for you.”

“Jesus fucking Christ!” You exclaimed, your heart nearly jumping out from your chest. A man had sprung out from the window in the guest room of the Carson house, formerly Bang, and that man was Christopher Bang himself.

“Sorry I didn’t -”

“You almost gave me a fucking heart attack - what the hell?!”

“ - mean to startle you…”

“Damn it, Christopher!”

“Ah! So you do remember me?” He says with a bit of joy, but you just look at him, realizing that this is where the talk will come. His features grow a little more somber. He continues, “So… I guess I -”

“Where’d you get the accent?” You interrupt, genuinely curious. “You sound like the crocodile hunter.”

“Well… I was living in Australia with my dad.” He says it in a normal tone, but you make sure it doesn’t stay normal.

“Oh, so that’s where you went?” You both wince at what you just said. Yep, it’s finally time for that talk.

There’s a bit of silence, but you’ll let him be the one to fill it.

“I…” He sighs deeply. Uuhh… it’s quite a masculine sigh. “I didn’t know you’d be here. I didn’t think I’d ever see you again but I… there’s something I’ve always wanted to say.”

“I’m listening…” You say. It’s a flat tone, but it’s funny. You hope it’ll ease him.

“I wanted to say I’m sorry.” Some silence again, “I’m sorry for being an ass, I’m sorry for cheating on you -”

“Chris, we were like fifteen… you kissed a girl with braces, big deal.” You waved it off. Really, kissing that girl didn’t bother you so much, now almost ten years later.

“I left without saying anything.”

“Yeah, you did. Hard to not notice.”

“I was - I know it’s not an excuse, but I was going through a lot and I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“So you left without saying anything?”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok… we haven’t spoken in years. I practically forgot about it.” No you didn’t.

“Did you?” He says. Was he hopeful when you insinuated he hadn’t hurt you as much as he thought he had?

“No, not really. I mean, yeah, you kissing another girl was pretty insignificant, we were just kids. It did hurt that you left without… I don’t know… There wasn’t any closure. There wasn’t a goodbye. I felt confused for a while, I guess.”

“I’m so sorry about that. But my parents were splitting up, I was going to have to leave everything behind. You were the first girl I loved and I was going to have to say goodbye and I couldn’t handle it. I was too hurt and embarrassed to even tell my friends. I wish I had done it differently.”

“Yeah, I wish you had too. I wanted to be there for you, you know? I wanted to hug you, hold your hand, tell you it was going to be ok.

“I really messed up there…”

“It’s okay Chris, you were just a kid. We were just kids.” You offer your sympathy but he doesn’t soften.

“Mhmm. Doesn’t make me feel less guilty about it.”

“Can I ask you something?” He nods, “Did you do all that stuff… you know, treat me that way, for real or where you…?”

“I was hoping you’d break up with me, get over me. That way we wouldn’t have to say goodbye and we wouldn’t get hurt.”

“I got hurt.” You admit.

“I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizing.” You insist. “It’s fine. We’re fine. We’re old and grown and fine. All of that’s in the past, I can’t blame you for acting like a kid. It’s okay.”

“Well I can agree with you there. We did grow up, not kids anymore.”

“You didn’t grow that much.” You laugh, he laughs too.

“You certainly did.” He’s being flirty. It could have been bad timing, but the mood felt right.

“Oh, you noticed?”

“Hard not to.” Goodness was he being direct. “You were really cute back in school, I had a crush on you for like, forever.”

“Really…Plain old me?”

“Really. And now here we are and I think I could have a crush on you all over again.”

“So you can go off and kiss another girl with braces and leave the continent?”

“No, I’m a one woman man.” He says while making himself comfortable on his own ledge. It’s getting comfortable overall, like you’re talking to someone you’ve known for the longest time, like a decade of separation didn’t do much harm.

“Well, well. And who is that lucky woman now?”

“There’s no one at the moment. I’m in the middle of some life changes.”

“Do tell.”

“I’m moving back. Well, not here, just in the country again. A big city, big job, kinda scary.”

“Seems we’re on the same boat. I just came back to say goodbye to this place forever and I’m ooout.”

“Did you finish school already?”

“Yeah… I wish I hadn’t though.” You think back on your experience with longing, lamenting it’s end.

“Wow, can’t relate. I couldn’t wait for it to end. What’d you miss about it?”

“Well, I didn’t have to work, grades were good and easy. And I guess, it was tons of fun.”

“How so?”

“Being on a campus full of horny and stupid guys - it was open game.” Chan hisses at your admission.

“I wouldn’t have taken you for that type.” He chuckles, “You would stutter for like the first two months we went out.”

“We were just kids.”

“I guess we were…”

Another comfortable silence as you stare off at the sky, your cigarette burnt through with only the spongy bud left to pinch.

“Chris?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m single too, you know.”

It might have been a bad idea, you said it on impulse after all, something quite instinctive having taken over you. Maybe you were just horny and Christopher was just hot, regardless, the conversation was over. Before he could even process what you said, and the implications to it, you had already slipped back into your darkened room and out of his sight.

Chan felt like a teenager again. Not in a good way.

Chan remembered your first kiss, holding your hand. He remembered your breasts being the first he had ever really noticed, your legs being the first he ever caressed. He remembers how you’d press your bodies together while you kissed, not really understanding what both of you felt, only understanding the urgency of it.

Now he can name those feelings, the ones that once belonged to an inexperienced boy, merely dipping his toes into the surface of that world. But now that he dove, and had dived into its waters several times, he knew how to swim in them.

Yet, seeing you made him feel like he didn’t. It made him feel like he couldn’t swim, like he couldn’t breathe. He felt like he was drowning.

The first moment he saw you on his doorstep he felt his stomach drop, a pang of guilt that had lingered on his mind during countless of sleepless nights hitting him with full force. He didn’t expect it. He thought he would never see you again.

And after taking another look, a longer look, it was like he was swimming in completely different waters. He felt submerged, and he didn’t know which way was up. He wanted to open his mouth and swallow it all up, let you drown him.

He hadn’t felt this raging feeling since he was a teenager. He certainly hadn’t had a specific woman make him feel like this until you.

It made him feel another kind of guilt. Shame even.

The following days he’d watch you, shamefully. His mother had him painting the house and when he stood on the rooftops he took his time to enjoy the view of you swimming in your pool, wearing tiny bikinis that stuck to your skin and showed the buds of your niples and the lines of your labia through the fabric. He would admit, shamefully, that he stopped watching from the roof because he needed to get closer to see these beautiful details.

He now watched you from over the fence in his backyard. Getting incredibly hard watching you swim, watching you oil your body down.

It was all horribly, horribly shameful.

But weren’t you the one that mentioned you were single? It had caught him off guard. He was being cheeky in that moment, but he didn’t know what waters he was testing then. Now he knew, and it was making him behave so, so shamefully.

Should he go over there, push you into a corner of the pool and pull your bottoms to the side? Should he kneel at your feet while your rubbing yourself with that golden oil, and beg you to let him fuck you?

It wasn’t just the thought of sex that drove him mad, it was you in general. How inferior he felt in front of you, like he had to prove himself. Every day he worked shirtless, hoping you’d get a glimpse of him, but you were just so unbothered by it all.

It was driving him fucking insane.

If only you knew.

Except - of course you did. Of course you did. This is what you craved, what you were best at. Driving boys, technically men but boys sounds tastier, to be absolute slaves to their desire for you. Christopher wasn’t doing a good job at hiding it. Did he really think that you would suddenly spend every day swimming in the tiniest bikinis after having not left your couch for over a week? They really are such stupid, fuckable animals.

And Chris was particularly fuckable.

Day four of his perverted project, he was hammering away at some boards in the back porch of his house. Your mother wouldn’t be home for hours, his parents were away for a couple of days.

Everything was perfect.

“Chris?!” You call loudly over the fence from your chaise lounge, carelessly flipping through a book. The hammering stopped, he had heard you. “Chris, it’s hot today. Don’t you think you should come over for a swim to cool down?”

Why on earth were you acting so damn unbothered and confident, he thought. Why on earth were you asking him over?

It’s only a matter of time before he circles his own house and slides in through the gate on your end. He’s still wearing jeans and a utility belt, gloves too. No shirt.

“You can’t really swim in those, take them off.” You hardly peered at him from over your sunglasses. He was just standing there, frozen. That’s usually a sign that you’re working your magic well. Good. “Come on Christopher, take them off.”

“I - uh, I’m actually not wearing trunks right now. Uhm… I’ll be right back.”

“Oh, you don’t have to go.” Insert unbothered page flip. “Why don’t you just undress and get in the pool so I can join you?”

“W-what?” He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He genuinely thought he had imagined it, maybe all of his hornyness was driving him insane.

“Christopher!” You whine. “You’re ruining the fun!” You slam the book shut and throw it over to the side, taking your sunglasses and hat off. “Chris, I think it’s obvious. Do you think I haven’t noticed you being a peeping tom for the past half week? Look! You’ve already got a tent in your pants and everything!”

“Fuck.” Shit, you were right.

“This is like, hmm, like an open invitation to fuck me.” You say with an eye roll, but your eyes roll toward his abs because they are absolutely distracting you.

“Are… are you serious?”

“Well… You want to, I want to. You’re nice, look like you’ve become quite a decent man - and I’m not just referring to your physique Chris. Maybe, just maybe, it would be an excellent idea if we finally fucked this tension away.”

“Just like that?”

“Just like that. You’re here for a few weeks, so am I. Why not enjoy each other while we can? After that we can just go our separate ways, just like before except we’ll end it on good terms.”

Too many points for him to argue with - you were right on all of them. He couldn’t disagree. In fact, he eagerly agreed. Little did he know you had this pitch rehearsed to perfection, to your benefit, because he seemed to be completely subdued by it.

“Fuck.” He mutters under his breath. Fumbling with his belt, zipper, exposing the line of his abdomen down to his hardening cock. A fat, heavy cock that swung between his muscular thighs. He was fully nude now, standing in front of you, his tan skin glistening in the sunlight. You’re quick to urge him over with a finger.

He pounces, but once he’s crawling over you on that narrow chair, he becomes slow.

“Hi.” You manage to whimper out, now feeling a bit small beneath him, feeling nervous even.

“Hey.” He’s just as nervous but there’s an energy that goes beyond either of your wills pulling you toward one another.

He kisses you. It’s a kiss you melt into, and he sinks his body against yours, with you spreading your legs so he can slot between them. His cock rests against your lower abdomen, his body pressing further into you.

You can’t help but slide your hand between your two bodies in an attempt to finger yourself, prepare yourself, but he stops you and pulls back.

“No.” He growls.

“No?” Is he going to leave you like this?!

“Let me.”

And you do. Chan lowers himself, adjusting you so he can easily bend over the chair while kneeling on the ground, and his hands shake as he dips the tip of his fingers into the hem of your bottoms, just slightly tugging at the material, playing with it before he starts to play with you. You’ve got the perfect view of him basically drooling over you.

He slides the bottoms to the side, but you pull at the strings at your hips, so they come undone and he pulls them away completely. Your lips and the juices coming from between them are just as glossy than your oiled skin.

He can’t help but dig in. Fucking you with his mouth, jamming his fingers in you. It’s an animalistic frenzy and it’s hot and slippery and sticky. You cum and your fluids spill over the impermeable cushion below, pooling under your ass. He can see every sparkling droplet fall from you.

It’s just a haze, he nearly jumps on you, bending your legs nearly over your head, bouncing his pelvis on your cunt like a trampoline, smacking with every thrust. You’re completely glued to one another. If he’s not abusing your mouth with his tongue then he’s biting on your shoulder or grunting, growling, into your ear. It’s filthy. You’re absolutely sure you’ve never been fucked like this.

He cums, several times, as do you. He pulls out each time, jerks himself off on your body, although a couple of times you urged him into your mouth and face. He pulls the triangles on your top to the sides, so your breasts are exposed. He made sure to cum on those too. Semen, sweat, squirt, oil, spit, everywhere there are droplets of your fluids shining on your body like jewels.

It ends with him lying on top of you, nearly sleeping from exhaustion, and your lips feel deliciously sore and sensitive, almost ticklish as he softens inside of you.

It happens again. Several times in fact. Many, many times. When his parents are away, when your mom is away, you fuck all the time. Just a little call of his name over the fence or from your window and he’d be running to you. You were too comfortable with one another to bother with formalities, it was like you’d never been separated. You’d wait for him on all fours, wet cunt on display for him to dive in, but he’d always greet you with a gentle kiss.

Fucking each others faces, drinking eachothers fluids. You even let him fuck you in the ass, multiple times, and he was the first guy to make you cum that way. You were just as hooked and as desperate as he was.

Things started to change though.

The welcoming kisses became longer, you’d talk between the rounds…

You’d fall asleep in his arms, or he in yours.

You’d fuck slowly, deeply, staring into each other’s eyes.

You’d talk to him, tell each other stories of all these years, asi if you had been together the entire time.

You’d smile as you made love, gently. You’d let him cum inside of you.

He’d hold your hand again. They were as soft and warm as you remembered.

You were holding his hand on one particular pink evening, your head resting on his heaving chest, teaching circles into his pecs and nipples. On your bed, in your quiet childhood room. It was a painful silence now. It had been weeks, weeks closer to your respective departure dates.

“I wish I had never left.” He eventually says. You don’t know what to say. “I wish we could have stayed like this for longer.”

“Maybe we would have broken up eventually, or left for college.” You ponder.

“Maybe I would have taken you to prom, or we would have had sex together for the first time…” He returns.

“On this bed? Hmm? With my cute school uniform?” You tease. “Yeah, maybe.”

“But I guess this is what was meant to be.” He sighs, as do you.

“I’m sorry.” Is all you can say.

“What for?”

“I don’t know, I just feel bad. I started this and now we have to go our separate ways again.” You feel something sting in your eye. You can’t cry now.

“Shh…” He coos as he hears you sniffle and feels you twitch. It makes his heart ache like it did all those years ago when he left.

“I - I…” You cry. “I don’t want you to go. I don’t want to go.”

He pulls you into his arms, crushing you in an embrace. Your eyes are closed but you feel the tears fall from his face, he’s crying too.

“I know… but what else can we do?”

There was nothing left to do, other than fuck the days away, crying, holding each other until it hurt. It was a horrible, horrible thing to have fallen in love with Christopher Bang this final summer.

You didn’t go with him to the airport. You didn’t want to say goodbye, you didn’t want to see where he was going.

But he did slip into your room that final night. You made love quietly, he kissed you as you cried.

He said it was the second time he loved you, and the second time he had to leave you.

It hurt much more this time around. Maybe you shouldn’t have done it, maybe you shouldn’t have gone next door.

Being in your house was unbearable once Chris wasn’t next door.

A week later, you’ve arrived at your new place. It had been a whirlwind and you stayed at a hotel the first couple of nights while your new furniture got brought in, most of your personal belongings only fitting in a couple of bags.

It’s kept you busy. That way you think about him a little less. Crying into pillows that have that certain ‘brand new’ smell isn’t quite as comforting as you’d expect. Everything seems unfamiliar, strange, artificial. Nothing here reminded you of him - it was for the best and you hated it.

The place is nice, bright. It’s on the third floor of a small apartment building, a couple of other doors beside yours in the hall. You go downstairs to grab a few packages that have arrived, carefully treading up the stairs in a kind of balancing act once they’re piled in your arms. It’s a choreography you can dance to with expertise, always denying any help from your neighbors.

However, you do fumble with the lock and handle once you’re at your door, holding the boxes up by pressing them against the door with your body as your hands blindly fumble with the keys, nothing but cardboard in your sight.

Nothing you can’t handle, until they start to slip.

“Woah, let me help you with that!” someone says behind you, and in your complicated state it’s a bit difficult to process what happens but the boxes are soon out of the way, said someone pulling them from you and freeing you.

And then you see him.

Him.

Your him.

He says your name and you’re too stunned to react. He’s in awe too. He drops your packages, and you’re certain some of them contain some makeup palettes but you don’t give a damn at the moment.

“What are you doing here?” You finally ask, frozen in place.

“I… live in 304.” He says.

“You live in 304?” He nods. “You? You’re serious?” He nods again, eyes still wide.

You both stand there, processing it all. This can’t be real.

“I live in 302.” you manage to say, after some time. Your voice is weak, all the air has left your lungs. You shake.

“You do?” He asks. Now you nod.

This can’t be.

But he cups your face, holds it like you’re precious and delicate, he kisses you. It is real. You kiss him back, harder. Eventually you’re both clinging to one another, gripping each other’s clothes desperately.

“You live here.” He says, little tears sparkling in the corner of his eyes. You nod, the same tears coming to you.

“I do. Mm-hmm.” The sniffles you let out seem so sweet to him, he swoons with how happy you are to see him. Knowing you feel the same joy he does - it makes him feel complete.

“I live here too!” He cries, laughing, smiling, beautifully.

One more kiss, just to make sure it’s real. You pull him in and kiss him one more time.

It’s real.

#bang chan smut #stray kids smut #skz chan smut #skz smut #bangchan smut

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aminiatureworld · 4 years ago

Text

Injury II

Characters: Kaeya, Ningguang, Xiao, Zhongli, gn!reader

Word Count: 5,650

Warnings: Various injuries, blood, burns, minor villain death

Premise: Sometimes the pain of others can hurt even more than one’s own. In which the reader is injured.

Author’s Note: Okay so after the mind numbing fear of my computer almost dying and now maybe emitting a weird smell I’m five seconds away from pure panic. But the show much go on! Even if my word document keeps blacking out.

This is my first time writing for Ningguang! I hope I do my girl justice, she’s voiced by my fav VA, she’s a total powerhouse, I love her so much.

I tried to make all of the injuries personal to each character in some way. Funny enough Zhongli’s was the hardest to figure out. I eventually settled upon the act of you being injured causing Zhongli’s personal angst, rather than the cause of the injury. I hope it came out well!

Kaeya

Kaeya didn’t often let himself fall into fear. Not since he’d been young did he feel that he could indulge in such a sentiment. True to his vision he’d frozen that part of himself, and now when panic seized him he could feel nothing but stone cold determination, and the need to continue forward without hesitation. Fear was hardly alien to him, he could conjure up the emotion all too well, but it had been dulled and replaced by cynicism and coldness. And occasionally guilt.

Looking back on it Kaeya wasn’t even sure why the two of you had strayed so close to Dragonspine, so close snowflakes were congregating in your hair.

You’d called him a winter fairy in jest at the time, wondering if he wasn’t truly the ruler of that mountain of frost. He’d laughed then, before threatening to take you away to his fairy court. “That would be quite an easy task.” You’d replied. “You’ve already captured my heart after all.”

The two of you were strolling on the rocks that lined the river which separated Dragonspine from the greater Monstadt area. Although adventurers usually roamed the area in the daytime it was now evening, and the lack of people certainly made up for the cold in Kaeya’s mind. He could only be his true self around you after all. Otherwise it was the charming and slick Cavalry Captain, a man who always knew what to say and never harbored any doubts in his mind. Not that he wasn’t still charming around you, he loved seeing you blush from his effusive praise, loved the way you buried your head in his shoulder if the flirting and the teasing ramped up enough. But there was a sincerity to his words that one couldn’t find normally in Kaeya, and he loved to show you bits and pieces of his soul, relieved to finally have someone to talk to.

“Watch your step.” You warned, grabbing onto Kaeya’s hand as he slid a little ways along a rock.

“Thank you darling, although I daresay I’m more worried about you. After all who’s the snow fairy here and who’s the wind sprite, liable to blow away at any moment?”

“So cheesy.” You mumbled, shaking your head, though Kaeya could’ve sworn your cheeks were slightly redder than they were a few moments ago. Laughing he wrapped his arm around your waist. You snuggled into his fur lined coat. “Cold.” You murmured, though you made no move to disconnect yourself. Kaeya smiled and brought his other hand around you in a soft embrace.

“Sorry my dearest, but you’re in love with an icicle.”

“Only terms of magic.” You shot back. “Otherwise you’re a nice warm fire. And don’t you forget that.”

The two of you headed a little ways down, closer to the river. A small group of frost flowers had made it to this side of the banks, and you were adamant on picking some. “They’re so beautiful!” You explained to Kaeya. “And incredibly strong, I can’t believe they managed to grow in that permafrost. They’re simply lovely.”

“Just be careful.” Kaeya commented, standing a little ways back. He didn’t like getting near the river, a river so cold it was always at nearly freezing at the bottom. Cold water and a vision of Cryo didn’t mix well.

“I’ll be fine.” You hopped to your feet, a bouquet of pale blue in your hand. You were smiling from your victory, face full of light and happiness.

It was an expression that changed swiftly as you lost your balance and plummeted into the freezing waters.

Immediately Kaeya leapt down from the rocks he was standing on, kneeling near where you were standing a moment ago. The river wasn’t very fast, bogged down by its width and how far it was away from the waterfalls in the warmer parts of Monstadt. Still it cut off very quickly, having barely the semblance of a beach before opening into a deep chasm, and anyone who fell in it would quickly fall into cold shock. Already your limbs had started seizing, and you were hyperventilating hard. Your arms felt like dead weight, and every second that passed your head dipped lower into the freezing water.

Kaeya gingerly put his hand out to make a platform of ice for him to stand on. Whatever happened he couldn’t fall in as well, it would mean the death of you two. Fear had reared its ugly head again and Kaeya twisted those feelings into action. No matter what he had to act fast and sure. Hesitation was fatal.

Plunging his hand into the water, sucking in a deep breath as the ice that still coated his palms and fingers made contact with the freezing river Kaeya hauled you up onto the icy platform. Taking off his coat he wrapped you up. Removing your gloves so the frozen water wouldn’t be in contact with your already freezing skin Kaeya cursed as he ran towards Springvale, the nearest place he could think of. He’d lugged you onto his back, and could feel the freezing water through his shirt. As he ran he kept up a stream of slightly shaky conversation, rattling off what little he knew of hypothermia.

“It’ll be alright darling, I promise it’ll be alright. You’re just going through shock right now, okay? You’ll be alright, I promise. Just stay awake a little while longer. I know you must be tired from all that excitement, but just stay awake a little longer, just a little longer and then you’ll be nice and warm, just stay awake right now okay?” His voice became more and more desperate as his fear started to tumble out of his grasp, but he kept moving. He wouldn’t lose control of himself now, not until you were safe.

Finally he arrived at Springvale and you’d been rushed to the village doctor. Kaeya was told to go and wait somewhere else, and preferably change out of his freezing cold shirt, but you’d grabbed his hand as he turned to leave and after that he refused to budge, instead borrowing a shirt from the village. He’d reimburse the people who let you two borrow their clothes later.

The entire process was a terrifying one, as you were slowly brought back to warmth. Kaeya took the opportunity to learn as much as he could, noting that you shouldn’t massage limbs back to warmth for fear of heart attack and – much to his chagrin he later joked when the situation was far enough in the past – alcohol was too much of a depressant on your system and could lead to death. All throughout he kept talking to you, even though there were times you didn’t seem to hear, times when he thought his heart would split in two.

Still it was evident you were going to survive and when you’d finally finished being warmed up Kaeya thought he could cry in relief, if only he’d been numbed from such an act for so many years. You’d run into some sort of rock in the water, and the long gash down the side of your leg was later determined by the doctor to reveal torn muscle. It’d take about a month and a half for you to recover. Kaeya thought he should’ve felt worse about it, but in the moment he felt nothing but relief, utter relief in the knowledge you were going to be fine. Utter relief that came with having almost lost you.

Kaeya had carried you back to Monstadt, much to your consternation. All the ways back you mumbled about how his penchant for drama seemed to have increased tenfold. Kaeya simply shook his head, not bothering to ask how you would’ve gotten back otherwise with your leg in the shape it was. Still it was a relief to both of you to see the city walls. Even more of a relief when you finally arrived home, safe and sound.

“I’m so glad you were there.” You confessed as Kaeya sat you down on the couch, propping up your leg and pulling a chair up next to you. “I don’t know what I would’ve done had I fallen and you weren’t there.”

“You probably wouldn’t have been there in the first place.” Kaeya remarked, unable to keep the bitterness out of his voice. You brought your hand up to his cheek and he leaned into it slightly, grateful for the contact between you two. It’d been hours but the panic that he’d felt still tugged at his consciousness, as if any moment you might slip away again and leave him panicked and alone.

“Were you afraid?” You asked.

“Of course I was afraid.” Kaeya’s reply came swift and sure. “I was terrified, terrified in a way that I haven’t been in years.” Kaeya’s eyes clouded over, as if reaching deep into his memories. He brought your hand up to his lips, kissing your knuckles and then your palm. “I thought that you might die, and in that moment I was ready to curse the world all over again.”

“But I didn’t die.” You said solemnly.

“No, you didn’t.”

“And that’s because of you. Because you reacted quickly, because you had the magic with which to do so, and most of all because you never hesitated. And because of that I’m alive and well now. Injuries aside I’ll be fine. I promise.”

Kaeya knew you were right. You were alive. You weren’t going to go where he couldn’t follow. The fear coiling in his stomach began to subside. He’d been so afraid, yes, and in that fear he’d managed to find the strength and determination to save you. But now you were safe and he no longer needed to rely on that strength; he could give into his relief. Realizing this, realizing how frightened he’d been and how that was now part of a past he could move forward from, could truly forget, Kaeya could only marvel at his relief. Only then did the tears begin to fall.

Ningguang

If there was one thing Ningguang wasn’t expecting out of today it was your leg collapsing and her winding up in the waiting room of the Liyue hospital, mind replaying the last week or so, wondering where she might’ve realized something was wrong.

It seemed like the kind of thing Keqing would make a joke about. Here Ningguang was, the Tianquan of the Liyue Qixing, the most powerful woman in the trade capital of Liyue; here she was, her world completely gone awry, completely shattered by your injury.

A stress fracture, the doctor had said. It was the kind of injury that developed slowly and came about after weeks instead of in moments. The initial strain was usually something mundane, a sprain, a bruise, maybe you’d walked on your foot for too long. But after sometimes weeks of ignoring pain and swelling your body couldn’t take it any longer. Ten weeks, that’s how long you would be laid up. And Ningguang couldn’t help but feel every one of those ten weeks was her fault.

She should’ve noticed it. That train of thought continued all throughout the process of you being treated at, and eventually discharged from, the hospital. You weren’t just one of the people she worked with daily, weren’t just her closest colleague. You were the person that Ningguang loved more than anything in this world. How could she possibly not have noticed the signs?

Ningguang found herself obsessively trying to connect the warning signs that must’ve been there. She knew that your foot had been aching for some time, but though she’d been vaguely concerned she’d said nothing other than a simple “be careful”. She’d never thought to check after you later, sure that it was nothing. Now she felt nothing but shame, both that of a personal and of a greater kind. How could she manage looking after all of Liyue if she couldn’t even look after you?

You noticed Ningguang’s silence as you two made your way out of the hospital and towards the apartment you shared. Although Ningguang was perhaps seen as a reticent individual you’d found her surprisingly open, always ready to discuss things that were of interest either to you or to her. She wasn’t the kind of person to walk along in silence; not when she was around those that she cared for, not unless she was thinking about something important, not unless…

Finally you two arrived home. You collapsed on the couch, tired and ready to either read or nap. Ningguang was preparing some tea and a various array of fruit, not that there was much food in the lavish apartment you two shared. Considering the workload between the both of you it was perhaps unsurprising that there was nothing much to eat. That would have to change, Ningguang noted; she’d make sure that you were recovering in the most comfortable way possible. It was the least she could do.

“Are you feeling well?” Ningguang asked, placing the food and tea on the table in your room. You nodded.

“I feel fine, although I’m not looking forward to the walk to the Qixing headquarters. I have to admit dear this might be the only time I’m a bit glad that I don’t have to make my way to the Jade Chamber every day.” Ningguang smiled at that, but it didn’t reach her eyes. She sat silently, sipping her tea slowly. Your expression clouded over. “Hey, can you tell me what’s wrong?”

“Oh it’s nothing my love.” Ningguang spoke up quickly, leaning over and kissing you on the cheek. “I’m just sorry to see you like this.”

“Well you can’t blame yourself. You know that, right?”

Ningguang found she couldn’t bring herself to lie to you. Your gaze, though soft, seemed to pierce right through all her excuses and all her bluffing. She sighed softly. Maybe it would be better to be upfront about it, clear and concise, how one should always be. At least then she could apologize properly.

“In truth I do blame myself. I can’t believe I was so neglectful of your health, so blind to your pain.” She shook her head, staring at the hand that was holding yours. A disconnected part of her thought of how well the two fit together, fingers intertwined softly, your palm warm and comforting.

“If you were blind to this then so was I.” You spoke softly but firmly, refusing to sugar coat your words. Ningguang admired you for it, even if she didn’t believe you, something painfully clear in the expression on her face. “You cannot blame yourself.” You continued, “I won’t let you. I don’t want you beating yourself up for something that neither of us predicted. If you feel the need to blame yourself for this you must also blame me; I was the one walking on the injury without paying enough attention.”

“But – ” Ningguang paused, realizing the truth behind your words, slouching slightly she sat in deep thought. “I… I realize there’s not a lot of logic behind my thinking.”

“Well feelings are hardly logical.” You pointed out, squeezing her hand. “And because they’re illogical they don’t go away quickly. But I at least want you to try and combat your guilt with what I’ve told you. Because just like you hate seeing me in this cast I hate seeing you in pain.”

Ningguang nodded, heart filled with a deep sense of love and tenderness. Leaning over to give you a kiss she smiled softly. You did too. For a moment you two basked in each other’s presence and happiness, before you smile turned mischievous.

“Although… I won’t object to a little pampering.” Ningguang chuckled, shaking her head. But her smile was real this time, and you wouldn’t ask for anything more.

“You’re lucky I love you so much.”

“I know I am.” You replied. “And you’re lucky I adore you.”

“I am.” Ningguang’s reply was just as sure, was full of quiet but strong emotion. She was lucky. And she would never take you or your love for granted. No matter what.

Xiao

By the time he’d met you Xiao had long come to the conclusion that he’d never find it in him to like humans.

Humans were dirty, they were untrustworthy and full of darkness, they broke things without thinking about it, mangled their own people, their own families and friends and countrymen. Humans slaughtered one another without thinking of how it might stain them, and when they weren’t killing they were stealing and lying and ruining the land around them. How could he, a being designed solely to destroy the darkness in the world, ever find in himself the will or the ability to look past all that?

When he’d met you and had fallen in love in earnest this view had still changed ultimately very little. But even if you’d admitted that what he said was mostly true, you’d found that you still wanted him to learn to care at least a little bit about humanity. I mean you were ultimately one of them at your core. It didn’t feel right to prop yourself up as the one great exception, not when there were other people who were certainly like you in mind and in morality. Xiao silently disagreed with this analysis; to him there never was and never would be someone like you, in all of Teyvat. Still, he felt compelled to try, though more for your sake than for his, and as the weeks had gone on he’d begun to look at humanity not with any sort of respect or hope but with a sort of begrudging curiosity, and an admittance that maybe, just maybe, there was a bit of that light you saw in it.

What a fool he’d been.

Although Xiao was aware of the growing threat of treasure hoarders across Liyue – so widespread that they’d even managed to eat away at the tranquil lands surrounding Jueyen Karst – he’d never considered them a serious threat. So when the two of you accidentally ran into a group of them while exploring some of the older Liyue ruins Xiao didn’t bother to do much more than wrap an arm around your waist, sure that even the most idiotic of treasure hoarders wouldn’t be so foolish as to pick a fight with either an adeptus or their beloved. You seemed unfazed at any rate, explaining that the two of you were simply passing by and had no desire to pick a fight; if they’d be so kind the two of you would be on your way.

Perhaps the treasure hoarders were well aware of the fact that you could report them to the Liyue Qixing. Perhaps they were simply in a bad mood. Either way your words apparently did nothing. Xiao was becoming tenser and tenser, feeling as if something catastrophic was about to happen. That moment came to pass when one of the treasure hoarders pulled out a knife and threw it, lodging itself with deadly accuracy into your torso.

At that point Xiao felt himself overcome with a supernatural sort of calm, a calm which raced to cover up the anguish and rage that was coursing through him, threatening to burn him from the inside out. He only paused to make sure you didn’t hit the ground hard, before summoning his spear. Ignoring the cries of the treasure hoarders he made quick work of disposing of them, for what was a measly human, a piece of trash, when compared to that which had slayed countless demons? A small part of him cried out against the act, pointing out the fact that every time he wielded his polearm to kill it might bring him closer to the precipice, the fact that you were hurt mattered more than revenge, the fact that he was going to regret killing in front of you. He ignored it. At that moment there was nothing in his mind, it was as empty and staid as a clear pool of water. The only ripple in it was the way you’d jolted back in surprised, and the way you’d let out a cry before crumpling.

Xiao didn’t look back to see the havoc he’d wreaked. Instead he ran to your side. Peeling off his gloves, worried that they might bring infection, he pressed his bare hands to your wound, desperately trying to staunch the blood that was spilling out, ignoring the shocks that jolted through his hands, the result of the dagger somehow being infused with electro. The feeling of blood, your blood, beneath his fingers was nauseating, and for a moment Xiao felt his head filling with static as the pure panic that he’d felt began to overcome the initial rush of adrenaline. Snapping out of it when you let out a groan of pain Xiao looked into your eyes. They were clouded, and for a moment the adeptus was afraid you might be on the verge of passing out – had you really lost so much blood? Holding you tightly, one hand never leaving your wound, Xiao summoned a burst of air. His thoughts were still too chaotic to be processed, there was only one thing connecting them all. Let them live. If there’s any justice in this world, please let them live.

Verr Goldet had grasped the situation as soon as she saw Xiao appear on the balcony, face contorted in fear. Taking you to her room, she’d instructed Xiao to get one of the doctors from Liyue while she and the resident apothecary took care of you. Xiao did the task without thinking, and once he’d arrived with the doctor he refused to leave your side. Xiao knew death better than most adepti, certainly more than most humans. It was cold and unfeeling, and had a nasty habit of leaping onto people when they least expected it. It didn’t matter to him that all three, Goldet, the apothecary, and the doctor, said that you would be fine; Xiao was going to be there the entire time.

Eventually you managed to rouse yourself from the pain induced stupor, and when you did you saw Xiao first, eyes wide with fear and relief, tears threatening to spill down his face.

In the end you’d been lucky. Although the dagger had ruptured your spleen Xiao had acted quickly enough to avert catastrophe. You were going to survive, though it’d be 12 weeks most likely until you were completely recovered. The moment of crisis having passed the two of you were finally given a moment alone.

“Are you alright?” Xiao immediately asked. You didn’t make a move to answer, instead cupping Xiao’s cheek before moving to take his hand. At that moment how Xiao remembered. Oh; the blood. Quickly moving away he ran to the nearest basin of water, scrubbing furiously. As the water turned red a faint smell of iron filled the air; it was the most disgusting thing Xiao had ever smelt, and he scrubbed even harder. You waited silently as he finished cleaning his hands and disposing of the water. Finally he came back to sit next to you, still hesitating a moment before placing his palm in yours.

“I… I don’t understand how you could ever like humans.” That was the first thing Xiao could think of. “They betrayed you. Without even blinking. That man, all those men and women, they would’ve ended your life without even thinking about it. They would’ve killed you and lived without ever having such a thing weigh on their conscience. Humans never think about the weight of their sins. They just keep committing atrocities.”

“And what about you, Xiao. Will their deaths weigh on you?”

“As much as all the others.” Xiao wished he could be matter of fact about it, but he found that trait of his had somehow disappeared. Instead an emotion washed over him, so unfamiliar and unexplainable it seemed to choke him. “Perhaps more.” He managed to get out, before beginning to cry in earnest.

You would’ve died. If he hadn’t been there you would’ve died. For you he gladly shouldered the weight of human life, would do so again and again if only to ensure your safety. And yet it was such a heavy weight, and no matter how many Xiao killed it wouldn’t heal you.

“I’m sorry.” He choked out. You shook your head.

“Xiao I always knew that you weren’t going to be able to see humans as I see them immediately. And I know that you have a relationship with death and killing that most humans, most beings, will never have. I’m not going to blame you, nor will I turn on you. I cannot pretend that what happened didn’t make me angry. In retrospect it made me incredibly angry. It’s also true that – had you not been there – I would’ve raised my own weapon in self-defense. But now I’m going to ask you for one thing, and one thing only.”

“What?”

“Help me recover. Help me recover and let me help you recover. If there’s one thing I don’t want to happen now it’s for you to turn away from me and from everyone else, to let yourself be consumed. I want you to have somewhere you can let your feelings exist, and I want somewhere I can feel happy and comfortable as myself. You make me feel that way, so even if it’s selfish I don’t want you to turn away. And I don’t want you to grieve for me. Injured as I may be I’m not dead.” There was a pause as you let yourself catch your breath, having gotten more and more excited as you went on. “I realize that’s more than one thing.” You concluded, a bit sheepish.

Xiao said nothing for a while before leaning towards you. “May I?” He whispered. You nodded and Xiao pressed his lips to yours. The kiss wasn’t one of fire or passion. It was different, defined within the parameters of fear and relief, there seemed to be a sort of desperation in it, yet it was surprisingly sedate. Pulling away Xiao buried his face in your neck, careful to make sure he wasn’t touching where you’d been stabbed.

“I will. I promise.” He whispered. You nodded, smiling softly. But Xiao couldn’t bring himself to smile, not just yet.

Xiao couldn’t understand humans. They were dirty and cruel and lived without fear of consequences. Their actions haunted him and he found them easier to hate than to understand. But for you he’d try, because to him there was one thing strong than all, strong than fear, stronger than mistrust, stronger than hatred.

And that was the love he held for you.

Zhongli

If there was one thing Zhongli hadn’t been prepared for when it came to falling in love with humans it was their combination of fragility and utter ignorance to said fragility.

One of Zhongli’s favorite things to do was to simply sit and listen to you talk about your life. Humans fascinated Zhongli, it was one of the reasons he’d ultimately given up his place as Rex Lapis; inside him lived a desire to interact with humanity in a more intimate way, to know what made people behave as they did and to perhaps grow closer to them in the process.

But despite all that he still wasn’t ready for the utter fear he felt when listening to the stories of you getting hurt. You’d laughed off scrapes and bruises and fractures. The time you’d accidentally ripped off your nail was a painful yet funny anecdote, and the fact that you’d fractured your kneecap as a child was something you now looked back on with an odd sense of nostalgia.

Zhongli didn’t understand why these stories frightened him on such a visceral level. Such injuries were nothing to gods and adepti. Although the idea of a broken bone was certainly an irritation there was nothing more in it, and the kind of injuries that could easily kill humans would to Zhongli be the kind of thing that would be unpleasant for its novelty, not for its potential fatality.

He didn’t bring up these thoughts to you, feeling as if they’d somehow place an undue burden on you, or perhaps he was afraid you’d stop telling him about yourself. Still it lurked at the back of his mind, the fear of what might happen to you.

The fears that Zhongli harbored were proven in the most mundane, and thus most poignant, way. The two of you had been preparing a meal when suddenly you’d stumbled on an uneven part of the floor. Reaching your hands out to steady yourself your arm had landed flat on the hot stove, the stove which had been heating up for the past fifteen or so minutes. The scream that you let out sent a shock through Zhongli which shook him to his core. It rang through his ears incessantly, a terrifying reminder of how breakable humans were.

You’d immediately yanked your arm off from the stove but the sight that met both his and your eyes was a ghastly one. The skin on your arm was charred various colors, white blisters mixed with black flaky skin, all outlined in a terrible circle of red. You were shaking, and you face had turned a frightful ashen color. Springing into action Zhongli wracked his brain for all he could remember about burns. If the burn is serious enough go to the hospital. Never try to treat intense burns yourself as the burning has gone deeper than the initial layer of skin, raise your burn above your heart. Go to the hospital. Slinging your arm around his shoulder so that it was raised, whisper soft words of reassurance as you let out a shriek of pain, Zhongli half walked half carried you to the hospital, all while the same thought was running through his head.

How fragile humans are.

The doctors had insisted you stay overnight. Apparently the burn was bad enough to require surgery. Zhongli’s stomach had dropped as he was told that, but he managed to nod in response. Walking back home Zhongli felt all in a daze. He barely made it in the door before he collapsed, fear having seeped the energy out of him. The world pressed down on him, heavier than it’d ever been before. At least you’d be okay, he reminded himself. If he had anything to cling to at least he had that.

Zhongli was the first visitor to arrive at the hospital, having given Hu Tao the run of the funeral home as he spent as much time as possible with you. You were well enough, although a bit bogged down from the painkillers you’d been given. You’d once offhandedly commented that although magic infused medicine tended to be safer for the patient – more successful and less addictive – it was also more powerful; now Zhongli could see you weren’t kidding.

Your burn was wrapped up carefully, the doctors had managed to take the charred skin of, you’d explain, but now the burn had to be treated with the utmost care until the surgery later in the afternoon, infection was no joke.

“Well this’ll certainly be an interesting anecdote.” You let out half a laugh. “Not that I’m happy this happened, but at least this will shut up the next person who complains about how cardio was the most painful thing they’ve experienced.”

“I don’t know how you can be so cavalier about it.” Zhongli replied, tone soft and introspective. “It seems to terrifying to me, how easily humans are hurt.”

“Hey, I’ll be fine.” You assured him, voice soft but firm. “I understand how to adepti and archons and gods this might be terrifying. I’d be the first to admit we can’t really keep up with you in terms of pure healing and resistance to injury. But we’ve continued on this far haven’t we?” You smiled softly. “I promise I’m not about to die from something like a kitchen accident.”

“But what if next time it’s not your arm?” Zhongli replied. “What if it’s your neck or your chest? What if you cut yourself too deeply, what if your cut becomes infected. There are so many things I haven’t thought about until now, so many things that could hurt you. It frightens me terribly.”

“I’m very grateful that you’re worrying for me like this. But Zhongli?” You waited for his eyes to meet yours, smiling once more when he faced you. “You cannot be consumed by your anxiety. Believe me humans worry about these kinds of things. What if I tripped and fell and broke my neck, what if I scratched myself and developed and infection, what if I choked on an apple? These fears live with us, sometimes constantly, but we cannot let them consume us. As much as I’m flattered and glad you care for my wellbeing so much, I also don’t want you consumed by it, nor do I want to be treated like glass.”

“I cannot understand how you’re so resilient.” Zhongli replied after a short pause. You shrugged.

“We are because we must be.”

Zhongli knew in his heart that these fears he harbored weren’t going to go away. He knew that they were going to become more and more apparent through the month of your initial recovery, and through the longer period too as scar tissue formed and subsided.

Humans were indeed fragile. But if there was one thing stronger than said fragility it was their even greater determination to supersede it. Humans may be fragile in body, but they were stronger in spirit even than the gods.

That was something Zhongli wasn’t going to forget. Not for a very long time.

#my computer's about to die but this was totally worth it #also I never want to learn that much about burns again oof #tonight was wild #also I love ningguang so much aaa #kaeya #ningguang #xiao #zhongli #kaeya x reader #ningguang x reader #xiao x reader #zhongli x reader #genshin impact #genshin impact fanfiction #scenarios #my writing

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dodo-begone · 3 years ago

Text

Now Listen Here Sad Bitches - Stop Being Sad

Pairing: Yan!Xisuma x Reader (idk if it's rlly yan tbh)

Request: If you’re up to it can I get yandere nHo hcs? Bc I’m desperate for nHo content, But if you don’t know enough about the nHo boys can you do a continuation of your yandere xisuma fic? bc it was really good👀

Word count: 5k words

Warning: Falling, Depression, Death, Yandere (?)(just a bit posessive/protective at the end), Bit of confusion/memory loss, Mention of Running Away

This is a Part 2 to Ugly Fuckling

If this EVER looks funky or glitched, here's a link to it on Ao3.

_______________________________________________________

A methodical ticking echoes around the room, the only indicator that time was passing. The room was nearly a blinding black, yet a ray of moonlight made its way into the room. From that, you were able to see Xisuma. Without his helmet covering his face, he looked much more welcoming and soft. It wasn’t like he wasn’t soft and welcoming anyways, he just looked so much softer and approachable. A real person - man what were you even thinking?

Mentally shaking off that train of thought, you let your mind wander onto a different topic. Since Xisuma stopped you from following through with your impulsive decision to leave, he hadn’t exactly let you out of his sight. A few of your activities were free from his supervision, but otherwise you were with him.

At first you felt like an absolute bother to him, but his insistence that it was all fine made things better. Minimally better, if you were to speak honestly. It didn’t alleviate your feelings at all. He was being so nice and attentive to you and your needs. And what were you doing with that? You were being the little debbie downer that you are and not getting better. Come on, this was all for you. That meant you had to get better for him since he was putting so much effort into making you get better.

He made you all of your favorite foods, cuddled you any time even a tear fell from your eyes, asked about what was worrying or saddening you and trying to talk you through it to feel better, and so much more. All around it was everything you needed, really it was. Everything was getting better, yet you weren’t.

This had been going on for days, and you were still thinking of leaving. Though technically you did. Maybe the entire server moved with you. Maybe that fact could be ignored. Maybe. Everyone gathered up and went to a new server not too long after your most recent “escape” attempt. You weren’t sure if it was the unsaid yearly move to a new season or what, but it seemed a little too convenient if you thought about it. But thinking was a laborious and bothersome task. So no thoughts - only depression. Yea, that’s how things rolled for you.

The thought of leaving was far from leaving your mind. It was always on the backburner, but became a prominent thought whenever you weren’t with anybody. Especially Xisuma. Voices whispered to feed your insecurities, giving a source for your depression to grow off of. And boy was it growing. Adding in this new move made you question a bit more.

You knew you wanted to leave the server because of how icky, disgusting and disappointing you were, but now you were truly realizing where the issue lay. Wel, you knew before, but it just became more evident. It wasn’t the server itself. The issue lay between you and the hermits. So that feeling of not belonging? Still rather prominent. Even with their fresh new start where everyone had the same resources, said “resources” were nonexistent since everyone started with nothing, it was rather evident you still didn’t belong.

Grian was the only one who didn’t build a “starter house” immediately. That made two hermits you knew who didn’t make a starter house. The two hermits being you and Grian, so that made you feel better. Until you found out the reason he didn’t make a house was because he went to defeat the Ender Dragon and get loot from end cities. Yea that really didn’t make you feel better. And these “starter” builds the others made were no joke. They weren’t even starters, in your opinion. These were whole builds in and of themselves. Like things you’d be building late game, if you even got around to making anything that could compare.

Once again, your mind cemented that you were very alien to this group. Alongside the “new fodder” that you had, which was really recycled thoughts, memories, or insecurities, you started to cry. Stifling your sobs without being able to cover your mouth with your hands is a very hard task. All remaining strength you had went into calming your breath and being as silent as possible. You still allowed the tears to continue their route down your cheeks with no intent to stop them. If you only allow tears to flow with no noise, you can get your emotions out while not bothering Xisuma. A win-win.

Time was illusive, slipping through your hands like sand. One moment you were crying next to Xisuma in bed then a blink later you were waking up in an empty bed. The ever annoying sun was flaunting its energy and jovial beams into the room and blinding you with it. Man, how you envied the sun. It was able to get up every day and do its duty. And not even the duty it was exactly made for. One that it conveniently worked with. A necessity to life.

Still, you layed in bed. Too lethargic to move on your own; there was no will or energy to move. Well, there was one reason; you wanted to search for Xisuma. Where could he have gone off to? He wasn’t in the bed. Somewhere else in the house? Out on a project? Who knows. The likelihood of him being gone was high and that, along with the thoughts, kept you in the bed.

The day passed. Maybe you slept. You were still very tired and very sad, so it really made no difference in the end if you did actually sleep sometime that day since nothing changed. Snuggling into the blankets for warmth and comfort, you awaited for Xisuma’s return. Though you don’t remember him saying that he was going anywhere in particular yesterday. Did he? Memories blurred together and multiple days became one mushed memory. Many memories of him mentioning future projects to you or other things came to mind. How recent were those? Mulling over your memories, you tried to pinpoint when they happened based on some other memories. You referred to them as your “time reference memories”... They had a different name, but the name eludes you. But that was their purpose, so that name shall stay.

Soon a plethora of other memories came to mind as you quickly sorted through them. So they obviously didn’t take place in the same time area-frame thingy as when you joined the Hermitcraft server. That was months ago- clearly off the table. Then did they happen around the time you were building the trash on the server? Also a big no- that’s way too early. Oh dear- all the memories that were popping up were far too early. Crap- think. Think, think, think. Come on, more recent. What about when you tried to leave? Well it happened after that, but much closer.

A flash of memories pass behind your eyes yet you can’t decipher all of them. It was obviously some memories and you could faintly see some things, but it was all a blur of colors. You didn’t have the time for this right now. After you figure this out, you could reminisce on them. Now you had to figure out which memory out of the blob you had was most recent-

Staring at the ceiling did nothing to help. No new spark of memories came up, even with your mind scrambling for any scrap it could get its little grubby hands on. Great- now you were stuck going off of his appearance and what the house looked like during those times. Now the dilemma was “which came first”. Almost every memory took place in the house.

Wait! He didn’t have the diamond armor in all of them! Only two of them had diamond armor involved. Specifically on Xisuma. You didn’t have anything on this new server. Well, compared to him or any other hermit, anyways. To say you were behind or “lagging” was an understatement. Having iron armour isn’t really a flex. Especially when it goes missing. Like who just up and loses armor like that? You do, apparently.

That isn’t the point. Stay focused! So he had armor, what did the house look like? Or anything outside the window?

Finally a lightbulb went off in your mind. Of course! He talked about a fire last time. Yes, you were sure of you. Not sure why but you were very sure of that fact. He mentioned that some gravel on a mountain was on fire and he wasn’t sure why. Then he talked about a building in the next memory… Everything was starting to add up! Oh you felt so smart right now. So good.

So what mountain did he say he was going to? It was a villager hall, right? Or was it the future place for a build… No, villager hall because he mentioned villagers and trading. Obviously not another build. But what if it was? Now you were conflicted because you were so sure but at the same time doubt pranced around your mind obnoxiously. Your anxiety was getting ticked off more.

First the disappearance of Xisuma and now your worries are getting to you? Really, it was the opposite order. More of an Oreo, but that wasn’t important.

Taking a deep breath, you try to get your thoughts under control again. Regain you cool. Alright. If you find Xisuma then you can calm everything else down. That was your biggest worry right now. The longer you didn’t know Xisuma’s location and condition, the worse your mental state became. From there, it was obvious how everything would decline.

All you had to do was go to Xisuma. Right. Go to Xisuma. Who is outside. Out of the bed. Debating on whether or not to leave the comforting confines of the blankets or search for Xisuama was definitely something. It was hard but also wasn’t all at the same time. Because yes, staying in bed and being warm would be amazing. The preferred option. But you were worried about the lack of Xisuma’s presence. That took precedence over comfort.

Grumbling, you slowly start to drag yourself out of bed. More accurately rolling out and only turning to properly get out of bed and onto your feet. Same end result really. Slowly, as to not cause a dizzy spell, you get up and walk toward the door. Said dizzy spell still hits you like a baseball gets hit by a bat, but there was an attempt. Black overtakes your vision for a second before everything goes back to normal. Boy you didn’t miss those pounding headaches with dizzy spells. Damn vertigo.

Shaking your head, you steady yourself for the journey to the outside. It was going to be perilous. Well not really, but your mind tried to come up with the worse case scenarios. Like some Dream SMP members coming for you to drag you back. Or pillagers near or at the front door. Or some other nasty mob. Oh the possibilities were nearly endless. But you had to do this.

Hyping yourself up, you mentally prepare for what you could think of. Aka prepare for something bad like pain. To be fair, pain would be better than a Dream SMP member but pain still hurts.

A noise of annoyance leaves your lips as you once again try to get yourself back on track. You hated how easily distracted you got sometimes. Though it did help in some situations. Admitting to that wouldn’t be too helpful in any regard so back to ignoring it you go.

Soon you’re back on track and continuing your journey. The only thing standing between you and the outside world stared at you. The front door. It wouldn’t be for long. All you had to do was open it and then start the other leg of your journey and- wait.

The door greeted your face with a nice hearty slam as you walked right into it. Confusion was just written all over your face. You grabbed the knob, did you not? Taking a step back, you peer down. Low and behold, you were holding the door knob. Your brows furrowed as you twisted the knob. Nothing happened. Trying with more strength and vigor or whatever might do something? Maybe it’s just stuck. Unlikely but hey! Delusions are much sweeter and easier to swallow. Plus being more violent with an inanimate object makes it work! Usually, anyways. Beat a banana and you get mush so not always. That’s besides the point because the darn door still refused to open. Huffing, you try being a little harder with the door. Though that leads to nothing but you fearing it breaking. One creak escapes the poor door and you’re off of it like a puppy squealed rather than a door.

Anxiety started to bloom in your chest for the uptenth time or whatever. It’s happened a lot and that’s all that matters. Deep breaths. In and out. In and out. It’s just a door. If it breaks it can be replaced. Also it’s a door. It’s probably fine. Though you didn’t exactly want to test that. Who knows when the door is going to just say “nope! I’m done” and just break?

Leaning against the door, you slide to the floor as you think of another plan to leave. The door was locked, right? This is a brand new door we’re talking about. Rust couldn’t have shut it already, right? You were by the sea though so who knew what the salt and water was doing to it. That ruins doors, wood, and mentals, right? If only you were a builder or someone more fluent with stuff like this. Someone who knew how stuff like that worked. Because wow, you were beyond dumb on that subject.

You curl up in defeat. Bringing your knees to your face, you wrap your arms around them to secure them. To feel safer and smaller. Block out the world. All you wanted to do was stay there, just like that. Not that exact position, but you want to feel comforted and safe. A craving for belonging and love. Although something you craved, whenever it was just handed to you or offered, you turned it down. Nobody actually likes you. They just want to use you.

Everyone has used you in the past for something.

Tears started to form in your eyes. As you lift your head from the curl, you take a deep breath. This is annoying, tiring. Crying is useless right now. Nothing is going to be fixed this way.

As you subdued the tears, you looked around the house again. There had to be another exit, right? Maybe. Half of the houses you’ve lived in only had one entrance or exit. The other half either had a secret exit or another doorway. This wasn’t one of the latter, though. It was one of the former; you were only informed of one way to exit or enter the house. Xisuma didn’t mention any emergency escape. Well there weren’t any holes in the house besides that- OH WAIT!

Smacking your forehead, you scramble to your feet and look directly at the closest window. If it had the ability to, it’d probably be sweating out of fear or anxiety. Either or, that window wasn’t going to have a good time. Fortunately for you, though, the window couldn’t judge you. And the window is very easy to climb out of.

Walking closer for inspection, it didn’t seem like it’d be too hard to open. Just flick a latch or two and just lift the bottom. You’re home free after that. The latches weren’t an issue. Grabbing the bottom of the glass, you silently pray that it won’t be as stubborn as the door.

Some deity was feeling nice today because the window opened without much trouble. A little elbow grease but that was a small price to pay. Now started the awkward maneuvering to get outside. This was one thing you didn’t miss from your past.

First a leg, then the other, and slide later, you land ungraceful into the outside world. Either you were going to land on your face or bum and you didn’t want any of that. So instead you did a nice little dance.

Okay so dance would be the fun way of stating it. What happened was you stumbled around for a bit, waving your arms around in a desperate attempt to regain balance. But you get to stay on your feet, so the trade off of your dignity was well worth it. Plus nobody was around to see it.

Once balanced, you were in awe of the builds that were just a wall away. How much has changed since you last came out? How long were you inside? You only remember the comically tall portal and the partial build of the portal tower being around when you came. Besides the starting house and a few other small things, of course. But now there were two completed towers. The dark one was obviously the portal tower because of the color scheme. What was the other than? It was colored like a lighthouse with the red and white bands encompassing it, but you didn’t want to say anything definitely. After all, it was somewhat hard to tell.

The coloration indicated a lighthouse, along with the silhouette, but it looked a bit too artistically done. And when something is artistically done, it could be anything. So you’ll call it tower two! Tower two was rather pretty!

Xisuma wasn’t around though. Right. The mountain wasn't around here, was it? Where was it, anyways? It must’ve been pretty far away.

With the prospects of a long walk ahead of you, your shoulders slump. Dear lord, this was more work than you wanted to go through. Who knows how far it is! But it wasn’t just some walking for fun, it had a purpose.

Gathering your remaining energy and grit, you start the laborious, long, and treacherous journey through the continent for Xisuma. Hiking wasn’t your strong suit and keeping an eye out for Xisuma too? This makes everything so much harder.

You were only able to get off the island and back onto the mainland, where you started to scale the mountain before you heard a ruckus. Progressively, it got louder and more discernible. Yelling. Sounded like words. Gibberish, but it slowly grew clearer.

“Oh my gosh,” danced with the wind by your ears. “Oh no.” A cry of your name, or something really similar. Were those words? Those couldn’t be words, right? Whipping your head around, you see Xisuma running your way frantically. Okay, so those were most definitely words if the scene before you proved anything.

Excited, you start your descent back to the ground. Step by step. Is it step by step when you’re climbing? Your focus is on Xisuma. Pretty much entirely. It really shouldn’t have as you misjudge the next step. In the blink of an eye you went from viewing rock to viewing sky and a scary feeling building in your chest. The feeling grew exponentially and it didn’t take a genius to know what was going on.

A scream ripped its way from your chest as it tightened more. Said scream doesn’t last long for it ended as quickly as it came. No air could move, no noise could come out any more. Air was stuck in your throat, unable to reach your lungs. Fear paralyzed your muscles, eyes shut for there was no difference in the view. Everything was blurred and the black was more welcoming and comforting.

Too fast. Time wasn’t even a consideration. A social construct thrown out the window as soon as your fingers lose contact with the rocks.

The ground had to be near by now. It felt like hours passed now, but at the same time everything seemed to be zipping by.

Contact is made, and you expect it to be the end. You grunt as all remaining air is forced from your body. Another noise came from beneath you. Gasping for air, panic made you feel so cold. Is this what death felt like? No air was coming in and you definitely hit the ground. Were you going to die because you slipped up?

Black was encompassing your vision once again. Frantic attempts to regain air were barely rewarded for your lungs remained mostly empty. Everything still felt paralized, but now your chest felt worse. It hurt so much.

Something was moving beneath you. Pink entered your failing vision. It shifted you around, moving your head and body. More accurately, it moved. Your head was placed on a soft surface while your body was on something else.

Slowly your vision ebbed back to reality. Or you did. Everything still felt wonky. But an axolotl helmet came to greet you. That was a nice thing about your vision clearing, you guessed. Pretty pink axolotl.

“Are you okay,” the axolotl shakily asks. It’s hands were shaking and it sounded masculine.

“Yea,” your voice felt and sounded weird. Very airy, frail, and kinda delirious. You know, the “I don't feel right” type of delirious. Is that delirious? Oh wait you were talking! “Yea i’m good.”

“Are you sure,” the axolotl keeps persisting. It seemed to be looking over you for any injuries. How nice of it! “Double sure? Triple sure? No scrapes? Nothing hurts?”

“I’m absolutely sure,” you assure. Man this was a comfy place and you wanted to stay here longer, but you need to get standing. With shaky arms and legs, you unsteadily get up, stumbling or leaning a bit too much at times. The axolotl panics and helps you to your feet, never letting go afterwards. You thank it for its help and try to walk away, back to Xisuma’s house. Though it assists you, staying by your side as if it were attached with cement.

“You need to stop doing stuff like this,” it begs, leading you by the elbow. “It’s like everytime i’m gone, you purposely go get yourself into trouble, get hurt, or try to leave. I don’t get it. Why do you keep doing it?”

To say you were confused would be an understatement. What’s it even talking about?

Suddenly a thought hits you like lighting and everything starts to line up. This is literally Xisuma. How did you forget that? He changes skins with every new season. Wow you either hit your head, panicked and forgot every important detail ever, or you really needed the oxygen for those brain cells because they finally got what they needed to function.

“Sorry,” you really are sorry. For half of those things, if not almost all of them. If you were simply allowed to go back to the Dream smp in peace, you would be completely fine. Not a bother to the hermits, not a walking hazard to society, and you wouldn’t feel inadequate anymore… Actually that wouldn’t go away no matter where you went or what you did. “I didn’t mean for any of that to happen.”

Xisuma doesn’t reply to your words and you start to panic again. “You weren’t in the house and I got really anxious, okay? I didn’t remember where you said you were going and I just… I needed a hug. I know that sounds stupid or childish, but i wasn’t feeling good. And you said that if I needed something, I'd just have to go to you. Oh who am i kidding, this was the dumbest thing ever. I’m so so sorry for bothering you-” Tears started to well up in your eyes, blurring your vision entirely. You were thankful that you weren’t walking alone while like this. Who knew what else you’d get yourself hurt on.

Not only were your words stopped, but your whole body was too. Jerked back by Xisuma, your teary eyes look directly at his visor which only reflects back your pitiful face. Though you don’t see it for long as you’re pulled into a hug by Xisuma. This only causes you to cry harder.

“Hey hey hey,” Xisuma’s voice is a low murmur, a comforting rumble from his chest. “It’s okay. It’s alright. Did I not tell you where I was going before I left?”

Shaking your head, a tiny “no” escapes you between sobs. Xisuma just hugs you tighter and you snuggle closer. That’s if you can, but you still try.

“Oh i’m so sorry,” he starts to pat and rub your back in a comforting manner, repeatedly apologizing for forgetting to tell you. And other things. Though you can’t exactly tell what they are through your sobbing.

It takes ages for you to calm down. You don’t really have much to go off of, besides the sun. What was once a noon sun glaring down on you was a peaceful sunset over the ocean. When you finish crying, only shaky breaths and tear stains remain to show off the previous crying fit. That and the red eyes.

The sunset is pretty, so you focus on that. Positioning your face to not have it smooshed into Xisuma’s chestplate was a struggle since he was holding you so tightly. But you managed. Soon your face wasn’t full on smooshed into his chest plate, only the side. Your cheek was definitely doing that pancake thing which smooshes out like a flat tire.

Everything’s so peaceful and quiet. Only the waves and sea life disturb it, but it made a great background noise. Xisuma soon adds to everything with some light humming. Rumbling from the chest is so comforting. Why was it such a forgettable yet amazing thing? It felt so nice.

With the humming came some rocking. Going side to side, humming a nonsensical tune. Not long after, you join in as well. Yours was definitely less consistently though, for it was broken up but little giggles. The longer you two went on, the more you giggled.

His arms unwrap themselves and you feel disappointed and saddened by the loss. You needn’t wait for long though, as on both sides of your body, you suddenly feel a tingly sensation. Bursting out into laughter, you try to struggle away from the tickle attack Xisuma has launched on you. But he’s relentless, keeping up with your retreat. It’s only when you’re out of breath, on the ground, and playfully yelling your surrender at him, that he stops.

You two start to calm down again. Laughter slowly ebbed away to chuckles or silence. Not an uncomfortable or awkward silence by any means. A safe and comforting one.

“Come on,” Xisuma prompts, getting up from the crouched position he had to be in for his attack, giving out his hand when he was properly on his feet. “Let’s get home before mobs start to spawn.” You’re more than happy to take his hands. With a pull, you’re brought back to your feet. But you two don’t let go of each other’s hands.

Together you two finish the trek home, and rather quickly too. With the sun setting, it was just a matter of minutes before danger would appear. Luckily you two made it to safety without any issues. The beginning area Xisuma had set up was well lit, safe from the dark and the dangers it harbors.

Being back in the base area made you feel more at peace, calmer, less endangered. Whatever you wanted to say, but you felt safer. And everything looked so pretty at night! You really need to come out more with Xisuma. Staring in awe at the builds in a different light, you and Xisuma dawdle on home.

Everything was perfect again. Just like before. You were happy, Xisuma was happy, what else could you need.

Xisuma walks ahead of you to unlock the front door, to which you say a little “thank you” out of habit and slip on by him and into the house. You do mean it, but still, it’s a habit drilled into you.

After getting back into the house, with some idle chit-chat, you start to get things fixed up in the house. Some dinner was in order for the two of you. After all, you just tried to climb a mountain to find Xisuma and who knows if Xisuma actually ate today. Plus you haven't had anything to eat yet. Whoops.

Leaving Xisuma to his own devices, you continue your conversation as you prepare a meal.

You don’t notice him locking the door and windows, or the dark look he has when he sees the window open, or him putting the keys in his pocket after locking all of the other windows. When he doesn’t reply immediately, though, you turn toward the last direction you heard him from, only to reveal an empty house. Perplexed, you look around a bit, but are stopped by a tap on your shoulder.

Jumping, you whirl around to see Xisuma without his helmet on, chuckling at your reaction. Laughing along with him, you give him a nudge with your hip. He returns it, laughing harder when you’re bumped away from him. This goes on for a while as you cook dinner, with Xisuma helping you.

The night goes on like this. Full of gentle, playful antics and a loving atmosphere. The love you felt was immense. You hadn’t felt happier in months.

Xisuma hasn’t been so scared in months either.

He should’ve secured the house better. Made sure you were fine before he left. Locked the windows before he left.

Now he knows to lock windows. You’d try to use them in the future. Better a situation where you went looking for him than you leaving him. But now he knew.

And all was good again.

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nincompoopydoo · 3 years ago

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PAIRING, BAGELS, REPEAT

— US AGAINST THE WORLD ; PART 4 / ?

( credits to @animusrox for this gif )

PAIRING: Bruce Wayne x reader

WORD COUNT: 2247 hot diggy dog

SUMMARY: You have a heart-to-heart conversation with one of your students before the play and you're hit with the realization that your love for Bruce may be more than meets the eye. hence, you’re starting to wonder if it was a mistake you can never fix.

A/N: This one’s long and kinda depressing. I’m in an angsty mood now whoops. Nevertheless, thank you for reading this series, the bagels will make its appearance and enjoy this one folks.

WARNINGS: Anxiety, depressing thoughts.

MASTERLIST ; MASTERPOST

The night of the show arrived quicker than you anticipated. The flurry of theatre kids rushing about backstage is quite the sight, feeling the incredible sense of pride of a mother for her children. Yet in prayer, you ask Mrs. Wilson for the gift of strength and ability to manage a bunch of highly-strung teenagers. It’s only Shakespeare after all but you knew that wasn’t the genuine nature behind their stage jitters. With all tickets sold out within a week, it has easily become the biggest event of the year aside from homecoming. It may be a little pretentious for a high school production of an over-performed Shakspeare play to emerge as the highlight of the year, but you know it will help with some of the students’ portfolios for acting school.

The clock ticks—thirty minutes before showtime and panic starts to creep.

Your fingertips dance along the selvage of the extensive drapery of the stage as lighting queues are being run through for the last time. The urge of curiosity lets you crack open the curtain as you peeked at the rest of the theatre. The bustling crowd made up of mostly teenagers with seats rapidly being filled, it’s certainly a sight for sore eyes. Amongst the settling audience, you spot Bruce, seated between Mr. Walken, the principal, and Mr. Huckleberry, the vice-principal, likely being shamelessly asked for donations. He looks engaged, but his posture and the gaze of his eyes tell a very different story—Bruce is barely listening to a word they’re saying.

He then turns in the direction of your hiding spot and despite the distance, he catches your eye, immediately recognizing it’s you spying from behind the curtains. You watch the curve of his lips turn up into more of a smirk, swiftly sending a wink your way. You instantly disappear behind the curtains, cheeks burning.

You sometimes find it hard to believe you’re sleeping with the man with no strings attached because you’re incredibly attracted to him.

Someday, you’ll burst out into an exaggerated love confession, and you know it’s going to be ugly. It’s a reality check and right now, it’s the last thing you want. Running away from your problems is more of a habit than a choice as you would rather live in the world your mind has created, where miracles are made and defects cease to exist. Anyone would trade the cruelties of reality for a perfect one yet getting too caught up in a daydream will eventually evolve into toxicity. Bruce orbits the very core of your problems and daydreams. You want to run away from him and allow yourself to be engulfed by his presence at the same time.

You just need...to breathe. Hence, the second dressing room has a weird stench to it. It’s a mess but it’s empty. Yet, it seems you aren’t the only one in need of space, away from everyone else. Shaniqua is seated at the far corner of the room on a crooked metal chair, dressed in a somewhat modernized version of an Elizabethan era dress. Very elaborate and theatrical. Despite her introverted character, she was constantly bright-eyed and keen during your classes. She had a drive like no other. Hell, she miraculously memorized all her lines in two days.

You’ve never seen a furrow of the girl’s brows, until now, and it worries you. Even her glitter-covered eyes could not conceal the dismay they portray with prominence. Gingerly, you made your way to her as she stared at her fidgeting hands. It was only when you settled on the opposite dusty old chair when she finally noticed your presence.

“Stage fright, huh?” you casually asked, resting your arm on the dressing table. She mirrors your posture, heaving a deep sigh, and shakes her head. “No, it’s just,” A pause, her gaze finds yours. You nod, flashing her a smile. It’s a simple gesture that you’re here to listen. “It’s about Oscar...” You catch a hint of a smile as she trailed off and in an instant, your brow raises with curiosity. Oh? Another beat of silence, her eyes dart around the room. You sit quietly with patience because you knew she had more to say.

“It’s just that doing this play has got me thinking a lot about my feelings. I mean, if Romeo and Juliet could be lovers, despite their feuding families, then it must be easy enough for me to admit that I like Oscar.”

“You have a point.” You chuckle, eyes crinkling with amusement. Sometimes she thinks too much for her own good. She reminds you of Bruce. Shaniqua flashes you a faint smile, lips pressed with doubt. “But why am I finding it so hard to just tell him that?”

You stayed silent for a moment or two, mind deep in thought. The chair creaks as you shift in your seat. “Well, could it be that you aren’t sure if he likes you back?”

A hum in response, shrugging coyly as she mumbled a ‘maybe’. Although it was clear as day to you that Oscar liked her back, you wondered if her doubts emerged due to their differences in character. The familiarity of the situation is beginning to feel a lot like deja vu.

“How do you know that someone is the one?” Her sudden question catches you off guard because, in all honesty, you aren’t confident if you knew the answer. A straightforward question, commonly seen in the pages of teenage magazines, written for innocent eyes. You knew its true nature and it terrifies you. The image of Bruce charges through your thoughts like rushing water, memories of times when the two of you were younger clouding your mind. You forcefully push back your university days, buried back deep into your conscience.

“I don’t exactly know the answer to that but in my opinion, it’s—it’s the feeling of completeness when you love them and know they love you. They may be different from you, but it doesn’t make you love them any less. There’s no conflict or strife; it’s just the two of you against the world.”

Those words were raw and genuine, carefully crafted directly from the heart. You weren’t surprised by your words because you’ve thought about it a lot, especially on nights you slept on Bruce’s bed. Maybe, you do love him, and that's a huge ass problem. It’s amazing how unexpected situations tend to encourage apprehension on large issues you never knew existed in the first place. Perhaps it was your astonishing lack of discernment when it came to matters that could potentially alter your life.

Tonight, a sixteen-year-old girl did just that.

Amid your growing anxiety, you manage to catch sight of the wall clock, hung on the other side of the room. It’s now eight minutes until showtime. Your eyes are now wide as you sprung up from your seat in the sudden realization that everyone should be at their respective positions two minutes ago. “Oh God, we’re running late. Shaniqua, word of advice—don’t end up regretting something you didn’t do,” You shoot her a pointed look, index finger stretching towards her. “Now, you really need to go, or we’ll have to delay and you know Mr. Walken hates waiting.”

It’s a quarter to nine, and the theatre is empty. Outside, the foyer and the hallways are buzzing with the remaining audience, lingering and sharing inane conversations as others wait for a car to take them home. You had only just finished rearranging the costumes in the wardrobe of the dressing room. You tried to sweep the scatter of glitter all over the floor but it deemed a task as impossible; you’ll deal with it next week.

You’re sitting in the seat at the front row, nearest to the aisle with a large box filled with props on your lap. Alone in transcendental silence, feeling as empty as the theatre itself. It was partly the conversation you had with Shaniqua that hit you with the reminder of all the mistakes you made that have led you to this unchanging world of a blur that takes the blame for the wretched feeling in your chest. Yet, as the show progressed, hearing the words of affection from two lovers had sent your mind reeling. You were desperate to head home, crawl into bed and potentially cry yourself to sleep but the growing anxiety forbids it, you don’t even think you could drive home.

So, you stillness of the theatre reminds you of Edward Hopper’s painting, Solitary Figure in a Theater. With eyes shut, you pretend you are the figure in the painting, sheathed in black, sitting alone in the cavernous dark.

You hear the door of the theatre squeak, swinging open followed by the shuffling of feet. You don’t look at first, too tired anyway. You’d assume someone had either forgotten something or it was the janitor that you’re sure is going to be upset over the glitter massacre in the dressing room. It looked like a crime scene, except it was the murder of a literal unicorn. You made a mental note to send an apology sandwich of some sorts next week.

It was the familiarity in the whiff of cologne that made you snap your eyes wide open, looking over your shoulder to meet with the sight of Bruce, ambling down the aisle towards you. He smiles, and you mirror him, shifting in your seat and nearly toppling the box to the ground. “What are you still doing here?” He smiles, and you mirror him, shifting in your seat and nearly toppling the box to the ground. “I could ask you the same question.” He settles in the seat next to you, elbow brushing against yours. Your head tilts, gesturing to the box. Bruce merely hums and nods thoughtfully.

“So, how was the play? Does it get a Wayne seal of approval?” There’s a hint of teasing in the curve of your lips as his eyes drift to the stage. “I liked it. The kids have talent.” Your eyes glint with amusement, your smile growing wider. “I never knew you were a fan of romance.” His laugh comes out more like a huff of air, crinkled eyes meeting yours, and nudges you lightly. “Well, now you know.”

He recognizes the way your smile doesn’t quite reach your eyes and the way you’re fussing with the edges of the box on your lap. Something is bothering you and he knows it. He nudges you once more. “Penny for your thoughts?”

You blink once. Then twice, face wincing instinctively. You keep forgetting how well Bruce can read people, especially you. You exhale slowly as he watches you struggle to pick the right words.

“It’s really nothing. It’s just-” you say after a long minute, cutting yourself short. Then, you turn to Bruce. “I’m growing older, and I’ve spent my entire life in a fog with so much fear for reality, I’m afraid it’s too late to fix all my mistakes and regrets.” Your voice dwindles with every word that escaped your lips. You were young, naïve with the notion that time was extensive to make decisions without thinking it through. To know that you could never take back the things you did. Saturn’s rising, it’s a wake-up call now that you’re older and the fear that you would never change creeps onto you with every passing birthday.

Bruce defines the epitome of the sinking feeling in your chest whenever you lay in bed at night and let your mind reel about your existence. Yet, it isn’t as simple as you want it to be. The boy you met at university has grown into a far more complex and entangled mess of the grief of his parents, the responsibility he held over this city and the drive to just...keep moving on. For the longest time, it was him against the world, and a part of you wants to believe that it doesn’t have to be that way. That maybe, you could be enough for him.

He glanced away from you, trying to hide the despondency in his eyes. He holds back a sigh as he speaks, “Do you regret us doing this?” As vague as his question is, you know what he exactly means. He remembers the time the two of you used to exchange senseless conversations and laughter so vividly that it scares him. Juvenile friends, lacking the knowledge to know what love really was. Hence, the agreement—it was just two friends, messing around. Nothing could go wrong. Now, the hole has been dug in too deep, with no way of getting out.

“I don’t,” you reply and with just two simple words, his chest feels like fire. It was the way you had said it, with so much confidence and assurance, despite the intricacy of this relationship. For the first time in a long time, you were extremely sure about an answer. You could never regret Bruce. Never.

It’s almost hesitant in the way his hand finds yours, but it represents his care for you, even if you may not know it. The warmth of his hand feels like fire. Hell, your chest feels like it’s on fire, heart burning for the man beside you. “I’ll drive you home,” he whispers with a squeeze of your hand. You flash him a grateful smile as the two of you drift into a comfortable silence. Silence so eloquent that you don’t feel so empty anymore. No longer a solitary figure trapped in a painting but now two, hand in hand, against the world.

TAGLIST

@raineeace

#bruce wayne x reader #bruce wayne #batman #batman x reader #justice league #batman imagine #bruce wayne imagine #pining bagels repeat

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inlovewithhisblueeyes · 4 years ago

Text

Stuck in Your Head

Pairing: Henry Cavill x Reader

Word Count: ~2.7K

Warnings: Descriptive Depressive Episode and Discussions about Prescription Medications (specifically missing doses and having side effects)

A/N: This is my first time writing RPF so I decided to stick with something I know well. I substituted my own best friend’s name in so I didn’t have to deal with the pesky acronyms cluttering the story.

Buried underneath the covers, you were safe even though sleep continued to elude you. The chill of the morning was unable to pierce the walls of your blanket fortress. While the soft pitter-pattering of rain on your window would normally be able to lull you to dreamland, you were left to watch the rise and fall of the fabric.

Early daylight had danced its way across the room a millennia ago. No matter how deep you burrowed into your little nest, the light would seep through. So you tucked your head underneath your pillow and fought the urge to continuously check your phone. Watching time tick past would only make these growing frustrations and anxieties worse.

You remained curled up with your knees close to your chest, willing your hands to stop their shaking. All those exercises you had been taught in therapy seemed fruitless. Nothing could alleviate this numbness that had settled in your bones. Time continued to pass as you laid there, only daring to leave your bed’s warm embrace when your bladder was screaming in agony.

The spot where you laid never had to the time to cool. You were always sucked right back to it in record time like every episode before. Brain fog would cause the same thing every time. The days would seem to just blend into one another, a cycle of light and shadows that would chase each other around the ceiling. You would have no idea if you took your meds, what day it was, or even the last time you ate. Time would be nonexistent in your little blanketed world.

A soft vzzzzt came from outside your safe zone. Moving your hand slightly, you could just barely feel the vibrations of your phone. You paused as you tried to decide if you had enough energy to answer. It was most likely unimportant, another robocall about some silly matter. Sighing heavily, you drew your hand back to its previous position.

Silence fell over the room once more and you breathed a sigh of relief. You forced your eyes shut in hopes that you could finally sleep. Not more than a few moments passed before the quiet was broken yet again. The soft vzzzzt returned, requiring you to begrudgingly open your eyes. You hissed as you slowly rolled over, just enough to reach over and drag your phone under the covers with you.

You flipped your phone over as your best friend’s face filled up the screen. You know you should answer it, but you didn’t want to worry her. Ariel has enough going on without you dragging her into your shit. You quickly shot off one of those automated responses saying you’re busy and you’ll call back later before declining the call.

Carefully shoving your phone back out from under your blanket pile, you tried once more to adjust and get comfy. Finally, it seemed that the sleep you craved is upon you. You yawned before nestling your head deeper into your pillow and letting your eyes fall shut.

You woke up sometime later and noticed that the bedroom is almost completely dark. You dare to glance at your phone and it’s only 6 pm. Stiff limbs quickly made themselves known as you tried to stretch. They crack and pop as you finally moved them, each crying out desperately for motion.

Slowly you sit up and allow yourself to slip out from your burrito. Every movement feels as if you’re wading through an endless pool of molasses. You rise to feet carefully and your knees buckle as they wake up to support you. Ambling towards the kitchen, you tried to scrounge up the desire for anything other than a few mints.

Your pickings are rather slim. Even then everything would take longer than you know you have the energy to stand for. Huffing as you grabbed handful of mints before you make your back to bed. You crawled back into bed, grabbing your laptop in hopes you can find someway to pass the next round of sleepless.

Popping a mint in your mouth and scrolling through the various entertainment options, you happened across a show you know very well. Another time you might have smiled at your luck. Of course it recommends something that he was in. Rolling over to grab your phone, you unlock it to check what time it is over there.

2 am the clock answered. You swallowed the lump in your throat, remembering what he said last time.

“I don’t care what time it is. If you need me, call. I’d do anything for you. “

You glance at the clock once more and you lose your nerve.

“He’s halfway across the world right now and under enough stress. You’ll talk to him again when Friday comes around” you rationalize internally, “That’s more than 3 days away. You’ll be back to your usual by then. You always are.”

You shake your head and push the phone off the bed. Tucking an arm under your head and curling your knees to your chest, placing your laptop on top of them. You settle in with Forensic Files, hoping that Peter Thomas’s voice will eventually get you more sleep.

Sleep doesn’t come. You’ve lost count of how many episodes of Forensic Files that you’ve watched. All of them have blurred together. Once again the sun’s rays slowly painted your room in an array of reds, oranges, and finally yellows. Two more rounds of soft vzzzzt that go unanswered cause you to retreat back under the blankets once more.

For how long you remain there is unknown. All you known is that you’re forced to get up by your throbbing bladder. Then you’re back in your bed, curled up around a pillow and begging for sleep to come. Your body is sore, your mind is all fogged up, and by the time you do feel sleepy, the sun must be high in the sky.

Here's to another day of waking up after the sun has set. Daylight Savings Time is a bitch. There’s no use in checking your phone. You stretched and tried to sum up the strength to move your feet, knowing you need to at least try to make your way to the kitchen. Each step causes a shooting pain in your underused appendages.

Leaning against the counter, you grabbed a package of Cup Ramen from the cabinet. Not the healthiest choice, but the one that will take the shortest amount of time to cook. Adding the water and setting it in the microwave is the easiest part; having the strength to wait the 3 minutes to cook is the hardest.

Anxiety seeps in as you watched the timer go down. Tapping your fingers against your thigh, you tried to pass the time without throwing yourself into an anxiety attack. Finally, the microwave beeps and you let out a breath you hadn’t realized you’d been holding. You opened the microwave and quickly stirred the contents of the cup together.

You make the trip back to the bed that’s been calling your name since you left. Although you’re not hungry, you have to try to eat. You ate earlier right?....Your stomach hadn’t give any indication of hunger. You ate as much as you could stomach before leaving the unfinished meal beside your bed.

Grabbing your laptop, you scrolled through for something, anything to distract you. In a moment of clarity, you remembered that last time he mentioned a nature documentary which he said you should watch. You found it easily and turned it on, curling your body around your laptop. In your bones, the numbness reared it’s ugly head once more.

The animals in documentary didn’t cause you to laugh at their antics like they usually would. You had to pause it. You felt like you were drowning in this void. What once might have been enough to drag you out of the darkness, no longer could do so. You had been doing so well; going to your appointments and working on coping with your trauma only for the empty pit to gobble you up once more.

Screwing your eyes shut as you take in one shaky breath after the other. Whatever strength that was left in your tired limbs, you willed to help get you through. You needed to be fine, he needed you to be fine. Every inch of you shook with hurt and sorrow as sleep waded in and out of your mind. It took forever to succumb.

A gentle chime woke you from your fitful sleep. You laid underneath your mountain of blankets and watched the gentle rise and fall that came with every breath you took. You blinked a few times as you attempted to stretch out your body. The chime had stopped by the time you were finally able to peak your head from where it was tangled in your cocoon.

The noise had emanated from your laptop. You inwardly curses yourself because you only know what that means. You left yourself logged into Skype and you reached a hand over to check who called. However, as soon as you did, the chime started up again, his name flashed on your screen.

A sob threatened to break loose from your lips. It couldn’t have been Friday already. Skype dates only happened on Friday and Saturdays, that was your routine. You glanced around your room and contemplated slamming your laptop closed. Based on the colors of the sun that painted your bedroom’s walls, it was early, much too early for his call.

Deep down you knew he would keep calling until you responded and as much as it pained you to do so, you had to give into him. You moved the cursor to hover over the accept button. With a deep breath, you clicked accept. You waited for the swoosh that always came before his face filled the screen.

You couldn’t face him like this. He didn’t deserve this. Your stomach was already upset, it didn’t need your anxiety making it worse. Burying your face in your hands, you heard the tell-tale noise that the call connected.

“Darling, there you are,” he exclaimed.

You had no choice but to peek between your fingers to see his smiling face. He looked so happy and full of light. You couldn’t dare to bring him down from his high. He was worthy of so much more, someone who wasn’t empty. Surely he could see that.

“As much as I’d love to talk your lovely hands, I’d rather talk to that face of yours.”

“Hen-“ Your voice cracked from not being used in so long.

“Please,” He begged.

Every inch of your body quaked, the inevitable was here. He would see you, see how broken and lost you were, and wouldn’t be able to take it. The expiration date for your time together was today.

“Please, sweetheart.” He tried again, his voice no louder than a whisper.

You shook your head in silent agreement to his plea. Trembling, your hands pealed away from your face and finally you saw your boyfriend’s face fully. Messy curls were strewn across his forehead and there was an inkling of stubble making an appearance on his face. His eyes were bright and warm as always. You could just barely make out the brown amongst the blue at the top of his left eye.

“There you are,” Henry murmured, his voice dropping an octave.

“Hen-“

“Shhhh... I know it’s not Friday but I wanted to see you. Ariel was worried. I was worried.”

“I’m so sorry-” You started as you felt tears beginning to form in the corners of your eyes.

“There’s nothing to be sorry about, love. I’m happy to see your face. I would ask how you are, but I think I know. Have you been taking your meds?”

“I don’t remember. All I know my stomach is a bit upset,” you whispered as the first hot tears rolled down your cheeks.

“I’d reckon it’s been a few days then,” Henry sighed, ”Do you think could get up and make some green tea? That’s always helped in the past.”

You groaned, flopping backwards onto your bed. A few moments pass by in silence as you weighed your options.

“I can try.”

“That’s all I’m asking for, sweetheart,” admitted the blue eyed man,” How about you bring me with you?”

You nodded slowly. Henry was always good at reading you. It seemed that regardless of the distance between the two of you and the blurriness of the camera, his skill hadn’t waned. He knew you so well and right now you were thankful for that. There was so much you couldn’t say right now, you didn’t have the energy nor the clarity to do so.

Stretching your arms above your head, you winced at the stiffness in them. You had to do this, you had to fight that little voice in your head. You carefully moved yourself to the edge the bed. Taking a much needed deep breath, you forced your aching body to sit up. Gently, after a few moments, you maneuvered yourself to stand on your feet.

You glanced over at your computer screen and saw nothing but pride and encouragement in his blue eyes. It gave you the required push to grab your laptop and make your way towards the kitchen, tired body be damned. Normally, you feel safe and content in the silence with him. The freezing emptiness that had made it’s home amongst your bones and mortal flesh flourished in it.

“How’s filming going?” You croaked.

Henry was quick to fill the crushing silence “Remember that scene I mentioned to you last time…” His hearty timbre warming the outermost parts of your mind. Puttering around the kitchen, you put the kettle on and grabbed your favorite mug while listening. He could be speaking about blue-footed boobies and you would still be rapt.

Sooner than you would of liked, the kettle sung it’s annoying little tune. Carefully, you snatched it off the stove and poured into the waiting mug. You dropped the teabag in and leaned up against the counter. Glancing over at the computer, you saw Henry watching you with a smile on his face.

“Good job, sweetheart,” Henry beamed.

You tried to blink away the tears that remained in your eyes. “I boiled water. Nothing too special about that.”

“You know what I mean.”

Shakily setting the down the mug, you forced yourself to take some deep breaths, but it does nothing to stop the onslaught of tears. They blazed in hot trails down your cheeks.

“My brain doesn’t work, Hen. The fog sets in and it’s like I can’t do the simplest tasks. I can’t even just go through the motions,” You sobbed

“Oh, darling,” his voice barely a whisper and your gaze remained on the floor, arms wrapped around your quaking form.

“Nothing’s working…. I’m so tired of feeling like this. I don’t even feel alive anymore. Just empty and cold all the time.”

Silence fell over the two of you once again; only being pierced by your shuddering breaths as you tried regain control. It took a few moments to calm yourself. You brushed away the remaining tears and finally glance up at him.

“I’m sorry,” You murmured.

“Sweetheart, you don’t need to apologize. I know you’re struggling. I’m worried about you being all alone right now with everything that’s going on,” Henry admitted,” How about you ask Ariel to come stay with you? Just until I finish filming.”

“I…I can do that.”

“I want you to know you don’t have to stick to our schedule. I know you like the consistency it brings, but I don’t mind if you call other times, love. I’d be happy to hear your voice more often.”

Nodding your head, you grabbed your abandoned tea and took a sip. “I love you, Henry.”

“I love you too. We’re in this together, us against the problem.”

Somehow his words seemed to pierce at the remaining chill in your body. He was exactly what you needed, your lighthouse in the storm. No matter how far apart you may be, you’ll always find your way back to his loving embrace.

#henry cavill #henry cavill x reader #real person fiction #celebrity fanfiction #henry cavill x you #henry cavill fanfiction #henry cavill fanfic #rpf

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wolfish-trickster · 4 years ago

Text

Liar

part 5 (hopefully close to the last part to end our suffering)

Loki x female!reader

Word count: 1,2K

Warnings: angst, typos (except for the part where Loki and Thor are in Asgard, mistakes there are intentional), some humor in these tiring times

Tag list:@gaitwae @lucywrites02 @hard-to-be-the-bard @birdgirl90 @laramoonworld @belovedadam @mascaracoffee @serebrum @myworldgoesboomz @lokis-leah @nickkie1129 @getyoutmoon @kozkaboi

"-and then Ollie ran away from Max and chased Rex around this giant oak and me and Max tried to catch them, but they were like two rockets," you chuckled at the memory. Loki asked you how you knew Max and since you were never a fan of awkward silence you talked the whole way back to Tower.

You had a bad feeling ever since you left the park. So you tried to distance the rest of your previous conversation as much as possible by talking about anything and everything in fear of the conversation taking a bad turn. You talked mainly about Ollie and Rex's adventures, even though there weren't many. Besides it was good to think about something else than Loki and the drama you two had between eachother. You were tired of it and wanted it to end already.

Words can't express how glad you were when things started to look good between you two.

But you felt a bit ashamed after your little cry in the park, so you tried to watch either your shoes or your dog chasing around butterflies. Anything besides Loki’s face.

Finally you entered the elevator in the giant building and were on your way up. "So, uuuuh," you begun when you entered your bedroom, "what do you think of my new walking buddy?"

"He seems a bit rude, disturbing us like that," he crossed his arms.

"He's not always like that," you defended him even though you wished he left you alone when he saw you talking to someone. Could've saved you a lot of anxious feelings in your belly.

"Sure."

Silence. Long and awkward one. You hated it.

"Didn't you want to finish what we started in the park?" you asked carefully. He didn't look like he was in a good mood and you sure as hell didn't want to risk another screaming and tears.

"I already told you what I wanted. I'm sorry for saying those things and for making you think I will ever tell them to you and mean them," he said rather dryly.

"Why are you like this?" you asked.

"Like what?"

"All... I don't know, cold? All of a sudden," you thought out loud.

"I am not cold," he said stubornly.

"Yes, you are. Is it because I have friends outside of this place? Is that why you're tetchy?" now tiny anger started to bubbly up inside you at his possesivness. It would be cute, if things between you weren't so tense. You would even blush and think he maybe has a crush on you and is just jealous. But things between you ARE tense. And you view his possesivness in a not so positive light.

"I just wish you had better tastes in friends and found someone with proper manners, that's all," he looked away and crossed his arms over his chest again.

"If I had better tastes in friends I wouldn't be one with you," you muttered under your breath in anger, but instantly covered your mouth with your palm.

Loki's face was expressionless and hard like a stone. He sighed, closed his eyes and rubbed the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger. "Look, I don't wish to argue any more. I apologized and we talked. That's all I wanted," he removed his hand and revealed how dark and empty his usually bright eyes became. "So if you have nothing more to say, I have a work to do," he straightened himself and walked out of your bedroom sooner than you could open your mouth and apologize.

When Thor was depressed he either drank or worked out. That's something he and Loki had in common. And when Thor saw how sad and miserable his brother looked when he told him (after begging for 30+ minutes) he intended to take the pain momentarily away.

And since Midgardian liquor did nothing to either god, he summoned Bifrost and dragged Loki to Asgard. Right now they were both slouched over a giant half empty barrel, each prince had their own, and were shoveling up the alcohol inside with their helmets. If Loki was sober and if he cared he would call himself out over how low he had fallen.

"Why iz the whole Universe against me and Y/N? Huh? Answer me brotha," he lightly kicked Thor to wake him up.

"You agenered- anegerde- ANGERED. THAT'S THE WORD! Yu angered 'im," Thor said with a heavy tongue and dipped his winged helmet into the barrel.

"It's juss... She fucks up som'imes, and I do tu. Bu'," he sniffed. "I lov 'er."

After hearing that Thor spat out the mead and started laughing. "How? All you do this days is a'gue!"

Loki shrugged. "Tru. Bu' I love still 'er. No, wait. I still luv her. I thogh-*hic* I thought ever'thin' will be good. But then that, that, that BASTARD 'n his dog said hi to us. Jus' as she was aboutto say she wants me as 'er frend again!" he waved his horned helmet around spilling wine all over the place.

"And he was ALL she was talkin' about."

"I know, you alredy said it."

"And she defended him. Sum mortal she knew for twoo days at most!"

"I know."

"And she told meh she wudn't be my frend if she 'ad good tastes," he sniffed.

"Ladies, man. One does not simply unerdstand 'em," he mimiced a movie character and took a sip from his silver helmet.

Loki stood up, well, he tried to but failed so he crawled on all four instead and got to Thor. He sat down beside him and put his head on his shoulder.

"I love ya, y' know? Lika a lot. You're the only bro I'm ever gonna get. Even tho you're dumb," Loki chuckled.

"Aaaw, luv you too Kiki. Bu' I'm not goin to go onna date with you, if thas what you want."

Loki made a disgusted face. "You're too ugly fo' me," he pat Thor's cheek.

Thor fell into a long laugh and Loki followed soon after. At least he forgot about his pain for a little while and relived his fun times with Thor.

When they both calmed down Loki started thinking of you again. He knew you didn't mean those words. He was now scared that you won't apologize and put distance between you two so you could feel safe from him, just like you said in the park. Is it what you said, or is his drunk memory playing tricks on him? Either way, he found it ironic how you were the one hurt by his words before, now it's quite the opposite.

He chuckled at that. "Look how turntables," he mumbled.

"Wha?" Thor asked.

"Nuthin'. Listen, I need advice... how to make up with univers so they can stop messin' mine and Y/N's ralationship? Whatever it is at the moment."

"Universe confusing. Women confusing. When making up with women you giv flowers. You shuld giv univers a flowers," Thor mused.

"THAT'S IT! Thor, you're genious when you drink," Loki sloppily kissed his brother on the forhead (something he didn't do since they were in diapers) and dragged both of them on their feet. They had a garden to destroy.

#loki #loki odinson #loki x reader #loki angst #loki x reader angst #drinking #alcohol

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dear-yandere · 4 years ago

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☾ dead sanctuary.

yandere! giorno giovanna. headcanons with an affectionate darling. warnings: isolation, mentions of death, implied starvation.

do not re-upload or use my writing without permission.

art credit: 2315806.

He wants this to be a dream so that this guilt no longer feels real, so that it no longer hurts. His heart is fragile, but only when it comes to you. Every time you look at him with the same eyes he fell in love with — those eyes full of admiration and adoration, for him of all people — he wants his heart to give out right then, to sputter to a weak stop and finally vanish. This is cruel, but he deserves it. He is his own judge, jury, and executioner.

Most would be thrilled knowing that darling loves them unconditionally, loves them like they love darling; it’s a dream come true, after all. But, not for him. He did it for you. Everything he’s done is for you, but that doesn’t excuse how twisted it all is. He expected you to hate him, wants you to hate him, deep down, because that’ll make it bearable. You’re supposed to hate him for taking away everything you’ve ever known, but you don’t, and Giorno doesn’t understand if it’s a blessing or a curse.

As don of Passione, he has the power to take away your freedoms, to change your entire identity — your entire life — with just a few words. He has to tread carefully, be careful not to abuse his power more than he already has to. He hates how he has such control over your life, as if it’s nothing, but it’s something he has to do. He has to keep you far away from civilization, far from any enemies who could learn or and hurt you. You’ll get to see your family and friends every so often, of course, but most of it will be through the internet; and when it is in-person, you’ll be tailed by his most trusted bodyguards. It’s a precaution, of course; even your closest allies can turn on you, and your family and friends are not exempt from his paranoia.

Despite everything he’s done, you’ll kiss him without reservation, and of course he’ll return it in kind; he loves you so much more than you’ll ever know. But his kisses always turn weak and awfully withdrawn. The hands on your hips will loosen and fall back to his sides, almost as if they’re ashamed to have touched you in the first place. He expected you to cry and thrash about, not... not this. This, whatever this is, is far worse than being hated by you; he doesn’t deserve your love. He’d lay his life on the line for you, make himself out to be the villain in your story, but he does not deserve your love.

It’s why he’s largely absent from your little island off the coasts of Italy. You don’t need him, surely, not when you have so much to explore and experience in this little sanctuary he built just for you. He visits when he can — he really, truly tries to clear his schedule and visit you any time he’s free — but he is only one person, a person who happens to be needed everywhere and anywhere at once. Rebuilding Passione from the ground up and taking care of any dissenters or rebellions is tiring, and gods, he doesn’t even want to think of all the paperwork he has to finish nor all the meetings that require his presence. He’d rather come home to you, just lay in your arms and

He’ll tell himself that, anyways. Truthfully, he doesn’t want to deal with the guilt he feels when he so much as thinks of you. The less he sees you, the better. Filling his mind with everything a mafia boss should, rather than with a love he’d stolen away, he can’t give you the time you deserve. He finds it ironic how he can steal you away from everyone and everything you’ve known — as if time had stood still and stolen you away in the standstill — and yet he can’t offer you his own. Hypocrite, it almost reminds him of how little time his mother had for him growing up, leaving him to the wrath of a drunken and abusive father. He’d have the scars, still, if he hadn’t used Gold Experience to hide them away.

He finds solace in the fact that you’re at least safe here. You’re safe, if not alone, on this island where time stands still. He’ll catch his breathing soften and relax when you rush up to him with eyes full of stars and arms soon-full of him. It’s brief, and sometimes, he isn’t hard on himself for it. At least, not when he’s in your presence. It’s... it’s hard to be harsh on himself when you’re uttering such praise and admirations, asking question after question about his day or his plans for his brief stay. You’re insistent about packing his visits full of activities and quality time together, because God knows you see him so briefly.

“Settle down, amore, we have all weekend. Have you been well?” he’ll hum, pleasant like bird song, and sling his arm around your waist. Your waist is thinner than last time -- and it is no doubt his fault. “I’ve been gone for a while, haven’t I?” His eyebrows knit with worry, but you don’t seem to quite match his concern, not when you can hardly contain your excitement. “You’ve been doing well, haven’t you?”

And of course you’re quick to nod ‘yes’, not wanting to worry him more than he already worries for the good of Italy. This back-and-forth has become habit, at this point; he notices how thin you tend to get when he leaves for too long, even with a pantry and kitchen full of your favorites. Loneliness isn’t cured so easily — he realizes better than anyone, left with only Mista and Fugo these days. He brings them over for you when he can; God knows you’re thankful for the company. You're keen on hiding it, but the light in your eyes can only get so bright seeing only one human for months on end, even if it is the man you love.

He takes extra care to visit you as often as possible when he catches you in a slump, but truthfully... he’s scared he’ll return to your corpse rather than you. He can’t risk losing another dear friend, another piece of his family. He’s can’t handle seeing another corpse, planning another funeral, coping for another five or ten years. Not you, of all people. Not when you’re the only person who could love someone like him, someone who hides their fears away and pretends everything is okay.

You’re happy for the extra attention, really. It crosses his mind that you went so far as to fake the unintended weight loss and depression just for another chance at his company. It’s an ugly thought, something he brushes to the back of his mind while he’s with you — because that’s all you want, isn’t it? To be with him, even for a few fleeting moments. He wants that, too.

Ignorance is bliss.

#giorno giovanna x reader #yandere giorno giovanna #jjba giorno x reader #giorno x reader #giorno giovanna #yandere giorno giovanna x reader #jojo's bizarre adventure x reader #jojo's bizare adventure #yandere jojo's bizarre adventure x reader #yandere jojo's bizarre adventure #jjba x reader #yandere jjba x reader #yandere jjba #yandere x reader #yandere x you #yandere #yandere scenario #yandere imagines #*headcanons

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itstittycitybaby · 4 years ago

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Stay Here, Please (platonic! Micheal x reader)

a/n: uhhh this is platonic and i mean for it to be platonic . micheal is my father figure and i need so affection so here we are. also this is kinda like a vent? this is rlly just self indulgance dfjdifdj.

warnings: depression, anxiety, trauma, micheal being a dad friend.

It was troubling, really. This was the good place right? So why was there still a pit of anxiety in your stomach every time you talked to somebody? Why were you still depressed and had trouble doing the bare minimum. Most of all, why did they still haunt you?

The house felt cold this morning. The wooden floor made your feet numb and the air felt crisp. It had been a few days since you saw your friends. Tahani tried dragging you out for a spa, Chidi came by to try and help you with whatever it is you were dealing with. Though, he spent 30 minutes trying to choose a damn mug until you stepped in. Eleanor brought margaritias and the two of you bonded over shitty movies and trauma. Jason well..he always suggested blowing things up.

They all meant well. Janet even came which was a surprise. She seemed a bit concerned that you hadn’t asked for something in a while. It had been only a few days and they were all driving you up the wall. Was being alone and sulking so bad? It’s how you always dealt with your problems. Wallowing in self misery and regretting your life is something you’ve come to known. You appreciated the sentiment, but you just wanted to let it out alone and face this by yourself.

The sheets on your bed felt heavy on your body. It felt suffocating and made it hard to move. Hell, you didn’t even want to move even if you had to. The house Micheal had given you was a hobbit home. It was comfortable and felt like a tight warm hug. Now, it was cold and unforgiving. There were whispers in these walls and their whispers were mean. Their sharp talons sunk into your chest. Your body went rigid with the prickling sensations that vibrated across your body.

You choked on the sob escaped your chest. It was futile to try and prevent it. The tears in your eyes wanted to fall. You curled in yourself under the sheets, hiding. Maybe they wouldn’t find you here. Maybe they wouldn’t be able to mock you anymore. Maybe...just maybe...

It was hopeless. She cut into your skin just with her words. You’d rather have her hurt you with her fists instead. At least it’d provide some relief. Useless. Stupid. Liar. A whore. Unwanted. Unloveable. Ugly. No good for nothing insufferable little-

“(Y/N?)”

Your breath hitched. The world had finally began swallowing you. Micheal. His voice sounded so soft and caring. He wasn’t supposed to see you like this. No one was supposed to see you like this. But Micheal, oh Micheal, was so important to you. He provided the warmth and the love your parents never gave you. And here he was, witnessing your breakdown. The weakness that always resided in you that you tried so hard to hide. And now here he was, watching your perfect image unravel.

“(Y/N)? Are alright?” Maybe if you stayed silent he’d go away. Maybe Micheal would tell the others that you were fine and dandy. Oh, how wrong you were.

You stiffened as you felt the sheets pull back. His hand hovered over you. You cursed yourself as you trembled there, waiting for the inevitable disgust Micheal will have for you. “Oh, (Y/N),” he said softly as his eyed your quivering form.

A whimper left your lips. Your eyes were clenched tightly preparing for the final blow. What you didn’t expect however, was the words that left Micheal’s mouth. “Scoot over.” His voice was gentle like he was afraid you’d break. Were you that weak? Nonetheless, you sluggishly wiggled to give him some room. “Atta girl,” he praised, patting your side gently.

Your teeth sunk into your bottom lip harshly. Cries were threatening to escape but to no avail a muffled sob left your mouth. “Shh shh,” Micheal whispered, pulling your back into his chest. His suit crinkled from your back but he didn’t mind. Micheal was warm and his arm that held you was tight. “What’s got you so upset hm?”

You tried controlling your sniffles and you swallowed the lump in your throat. “I-i’ts fine,” you croaked, voice raspy and eyes hushed with tears. Micheal sighed, resting his chin gently atop your head.

“I can tell that you’re not,” he gently chided. How could you tell him that you felt like you didn’t belong? Micheal would feel so guilty because you felt alone in this amazing neighborhood he created? He worked so hard to make this place an amazing paradise. ‘You’re ungrateful...all you do is nag and complain..stop whining...stop crying.. I’ll give you something to cry about,’ your mother’s voice rang in your ears.

Micheal saw your lip quiver and more tears falling. They were faster and you struggled to breathe. He felt himself panicking. He wasn’t good at this type of stuff! What could he do?

“Breathe,” Micheal instructed. “Breathe with me.” He inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly. You choked on the first couple of breaths but followed greatly. “Good job,” he praised after you calmed down some more. “Look at me.”

You gulped and shifted in his arms. The gray suit he worse was a little crinkled along with the mint undershirt he wore. You couldn’t help but feel guilty that you ruined his suit. Micheal smiled sadly at the puffy red eyes of yours. Your lips had been bitten badly and they were chapped. He couldn’t imagine how much they probably hurt from the dried blood on them.

You shrunk from his intense gaze. Micheal’s brows furrowed into his glasses at the fear in your eyes. “No one’s here to hurt you (Y/N),” he murmured, “You’re safe here.” You nodded slowly but Micheal could still see the anxiety. He knew he couldn’t take the trauma you had and the abuse you endured away. Even in the after life things like that would still follow you.

Micheal kissed the top of your head. “You seem tired, why don’t you get some rest alright?” All you could do was nod. Micheal started to get up. Your eyes widened and without thinking you asked, “Could you stay? Please..?” His brows shot up in surprise. You instantly regretted saying anything. Your arm sunk. You were so fucking stupid.

Micheal had other things to do. He had a neighborhood to run and hundreds of people to look after. He didn’t have time for an ungrateful, selfish brat.

He nodded. “Sure.” Scooting over, you made room. He smiled softly as he pulled you into his arms. Micheal’s hand stroked your back soothingly as you drifted off to sleep. He made sure to stay there when you woke up.

#tgp #tgp michael #the good place #the good place x reader #tgp micheal x reader

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generallybarzy · 4 years ago

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every side of you

mat barzal x reader

summary: every now and then, you shut down into a pit of hopelessness, of anxiety and self-loathing, and you were determined to hide that side of you from Mat, in fear that it would drive him away.

an: alrighty, so this is a shorter fic than usual but it’s really personal and important to me as it hits close to home as something I deal with. It started out as just a blurb I wrote as a sort of “therapy” to comfort myself when this type of thing would happened, but I figured I’d share it here since others probably go through the same thing.

warnings: anxiety attack, self-loathing, depressive episode, etc.

word count: ~3k

Broken.

There wasn’t really a better word to describe what you were feeling- exhausted, hopeless, anxious, unmotivated, finished- but broken might be the easiest way to describe it. In a world full of things that upset, worried and disturbed you, there was nothing you hated more than the hopeless, empty feeling you would get every now and then when something seemed overwhelmingly impossible- no matter if it was a task at work or something as simple as just waking up and getting out of bed in the morning. And because you were too overwhelmed to try or even get out of bed, your own voice nagged away at you in your head, calling you names. Weak, stupid, lazy, everyone’s so sick of you. Why can’t you get your shit together?

It didn’t happen that often, really, especially since you started dating Mathew. There was little room for something to overwhelm you to the point of you crying and closing yourself off from the world when you had such a sweet, caring boyfriend to make sure you’re feeling okay at all times. Not that you’d ever told him or were planning on telling him about these depressive, tired moods you fall into. No, that was a really ugly side of you.

The side of you that stayed up until 4 in the morning working tirelessly just because you were overwhelmed and stressed to the point of not being able to close your eyes. The side of you that didn’t eat properly for days on end because you were too tired to drag yourself to the kitchen. The side of you that would shut down and not contact anyone for days, just because you didn’t want to sound annoying or needy. The side of you that kept telling yourself “You’re a burden, you’re annoying everybody, you’re so fucking weak.” The side of you that would stress out to the point of being physically ill, leaving you to cocoon yourself in blankets with headaches and nausea.

You didn’t need Mat to know about that side of you.

Ever since Mat came around, you had been feeling perfectly fine, so it didn’t seem necessary to admit to him this… problem you used to run into. He had been busy enough, with the hockey season starting soon after you started dating, so you never found the need to tell him.

But now, you hadn’t spoken to him in two days. At least, you think it’s been two days. You didn’t know what day it was. You didn’t know day from night anymore.

It was always a gradual build up before you fell apart, and this time- the first since you started dating Mat, you had nearly forgotten what it was like. It was nearing the end of his western road trip when you started getting bad. Mat was far out west playing hockey and you were getting overwhelmed balancing work and school all alone when something in you just snapped. For two days, everyone’s little comments and snarky words wore away at you; you were stuck in a constant cycle of wake up, work, sleep, repeat, most of the day spent huddled on the couch under the same dirty blankets, with a cup of tea cooling off before you could even drink it. You were stuck in a cycle of tears, nausea, and headaches, crying because your head hurt, your head hurting because of how much you were crying- it was horrible. On the third day, you actually called off of work, too drained and hopeless to even drag yourself out of bed. Mat always found time to text and call you during road trips, and you always loved to hear his voice. But, somewhere along the way, you stopped answering him.

You couldn’t explain exactly why you didn’t answer, but you were too tired to respond the first time, and then each time his name popped up on your phone, asking if you were alright and begging you to answer him, you felt so horrible, so guilty, and something in your mind reasoned that you’d rather stay silent than deal with his questions; rather lose him than reveal to him this side of you. You didn’t want to sound annoying, you didn’t want him to think you were overreacting.

Wow, he’s gonna think you’re such a fucking baby. You can’t even handle work and school? You need someone to hold your hand through life? That must be so annoying to him.

He was getting back from the trip today, you knew he was going to come straight to your apartment from the airport, and he was going to see you like this, and he was gonna leave you because of it. He didn’t have time to deal with someone as screwed up as you.

You’d spent all morning- having called off work- huddled up in your bedroom with the blinds closed, hiding under the blankets, just trying to stop crying. How could you just wake up and already be so overwhelmed? A few hours later, you managed to drag yourself out of the room and make yourself some tea- thinking it would soothe your raw throat- before collapsing on the couch in tears where you stated for the rest of the day, and into the night, apparently. God, you felt so exhausted.

In the midst of your self-loathing, your phone started vibrating on the coffee table and the screen lit up with 'Mat🖤'. You didn’t have the energy or willpower to reach out and grab it, and even if you did, you wouldn’t be able to form the right words for him. What would you say? What could you say? "Hey, sorry for ignoring you for two whole days! I'm having a breakdown so I couldn't even gather the energy to text you back once! I'm mentally unstable! Break up with me!"

It stopped ringing.

And then you heard heavy footsteps speeding down the apartment building hallway and frantic knocking at the door.

“(Y/N)? Are you in there? Please answer me.” Just hearing Mat’s voice on the other side of the door made you choke up and let out a strangled sob. He heard, and the panic in his voice was obvious as he called out again. “Baby? What’s wrong?” You could hear him fumbling around for the spare key you’d given him for emergencies.

Before you could process what exactly was happening, your boyfriend was stepping into the room. After only a few seconds of trying to figure out what was wrong and where his girlfriend was, his eyes landed on your figure on the couch, and you heard his heavy duffel bag drop by the door and his footsteps rush over.

"Holy shit." He knelt down in front of where you lay huddled on the couch, stroking his fingers over your tear-stained cheeks and running his wide eyes over you, trying to figure out what was wrong and if you were physically hurt in any way. "(Y/N), baby, what’s wrong? Please say something."

At the first familiar sight of Mat, his soft dark hair a mess from rushing here from the airport, his pretty hazel eyes worried and searching and, you shook your head, your emotions squeezing your throat shut. Forming words would be a miracle at this point. "Can't." Your voice came out raw, strained, from little use in the past few days, and the tears started flowing as you reached out weakly for him.

So he pulled you- blankets and all- into his arms.

You breathed a sigh that you didn't realize you had been holding since he left, since he last held you, and all your walls crumbled. You sobbed into his dress shirt- he still hadn't changed from the flight- and clung onto his jacket. He smelled so familiar and comforting, like warmth, like home, like Mat, and you weren't planning on moving your face from the crook of his neck any time soon. You had half expected him to yell at you for ignoring him, to break up with you right here, but no. "Shh, shh, I'm here." His hand cupped your head against him, fingers carding through your hair in a way he knew calmed you down. He'd seen you cry before but… nothing like this. "Take your time."

His heart ached, his heart broke watching you break down against his chest. Part of him felt so guilty, though logically he knew that was unnecessary. Should he have tried harder to contact you? Should he have pushed more to try and get in touch? Were you upset with him? Did something happen? He couldn’t deny how much he was panicking inside, but he held it together for you. He could tell you needed something steady right now.

Minutes passed like this- you, wrapped in blankets and pulled into Mat's chest, breathing in his scent and feeling his heartbeat thumping under your ear, Mat holding you tight, arms tucked around you and face pressed against the top of your head- before your sobs calmed into shaky, shallow breaths. "Hey. Breathe with me, babe."

You mimicked the sound of Mat's breathing, your chests expanding in rhythm against each other. "There we go." His hands smoothed over your back and you could feel him physically relaxing with you. His lips trailed against your hairline for a few moments before he leaned back, gently laying you back on the couch with a soft look in his eyes. “Wait here a second, I’ll be right back.” He left for the kitchen, and you could hear him kick his shoes off on the way. When he returned, he held a glass of water up to your lips, instructing you to take small sips and watching carefully as you drank. He sat back on the couch with you, pulling you into his arms delicately. "You wanna tell me what happened?"

“I’m just… “ You swallowed, your throat still feeling dry and raw from crying. “Tired.”

“Babe, I’ve seen tired. This is a lot more.” He prodded gently, his eyes showing nothing but care.

“I just... get like this every now and then."

"Every now and then?” His eyebrows furrowed, his voice taking a tone you’d never heard him use before: delicate, scared, careful. “Does this happen often?"

"Used to."

“Shit… Has it… has it ever happened since we started dating? Or any other time that I could’ve been there to help you?” You shook your head against him and he breathed out a sigh of relief. It felt good to know that at the very least this hasn’t happened before at a time when he could've prevented it. He wasn’t sure what he would’ve done, learning you’d been like this before while he was blissfully unaware of the state you were in. Suffering silently with an ignorant boyfriend. How shitty of a boyfriend was he if he didn't even know you were having a hard time? “Okay. Okay. Do you know what caused it?”

You breathed him in, wiping the tears from your eyes as you gathered your thoughts.

Mat felt you struggling to explain yourself and kissed your forehead. “It’s alright if you can’t explain it.”

"Just... Everything becomes overwhelming. Work, classes, my friends. I feel so… exhausted and alone… I stopped communicating with anyone. It’s too overwhelming to talk to anyone. I’m so anxious and hopeless. I feel like everyone is annoyed with me. I feel like shit. I feel like a fucking burden."

Mat quieted down for a few moments, letting your words sink in. Holy shit. You felt like a burden. He made it his life’s purpose as your boyfriend to make sure you never felt bad about yourself, and here you were so overwhelmed and hopeless you were shutting yourself off from the world. He felt miserable, he felt like he’d failed as a boyfriend. "Fuck.” His mind was racing. Was it something he did? Did he add to your anxiety? Did it happen because of him or in spite of him? How could he fix it? Well, for now he only knew one thing he could do. “Let's get you to bed first, alright? Then we'll talk about this.”

He peeled you out of your cocoon of blankets and lifted you into his arms easily, letting you dry your tears and silence your whimpers on the collar of his shirt, not caring how wet it got. When he finally laid you down in bed and tried to move away to change, you latched onto him, and he had to coo to you softly for your grip to loosen. "Hey, hey, lemme get out of these clothes, then I'll cuddle you, alright?" You weren't sure you'd ever heard his voice get this gentle and soft before, but it made you warm and helped to ease the anxiety inside of you.

"Mhm. Okay."

You watched with wet eyes as he smiled and pushed one strand of your hair aside with a single finger. He stripped out of his dress shirt and pants as quickly as he could before climbing back in beside you, pulling you into his chest and pulling the blankets up around the two of you. He lay a palm across your cheek, his thumb right under your eye to catch any tears, and pulled you in for a delicate kiss. "How do you feel?”

How did you feel? You felt scared Mat was upset with you for ignoring him, guilty for making him worry so much, but overall your anxiety had lessened ever since the moment he pulled you into his arms.

“I’m… better. I’m better now that you’re here.”

“Good.” He smiled against your skin, breathing in your scent. Shit, he had missed seeing you, hearing your voice. “Alright, baby. Obviously you've had a pretty hard time while I was gone. When did you start feeling like this?”

“I- I don’t know. It’s a build up. Maybe the last few days?”

“When you started missing calls?” You nodded, staring at his neck and not wanting to look him in the eyes. You were so humiliated that he was seeing this side of you. The broken side.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, baby. I get it. You said everything was getting overwhelming and you were getting anxious? And that you felt like everyone was annoyed with you? That's why you didn't answer me? You thought I was annoyed?"

You shrugged, taking a breath to steady yourself. "I was stressed and crying, and missed so many calls because I was crying… and then I ignored you because… I guess I thought you’d be angry with me.”

“Absolutely not.” His lips glided across your forehead. “I wasn’t angry, not even for a second. I was worried. You worried me, babe. You should’ve just told me what was happening. I would’ve tried to help.”

“I know, I know, I’m sorry. I just...” You felt the tears start up again and Mat noticed too, and quickly pulled you in to lay kisses across your cheeks. "I overthink things when I’m anxious."

“Hey, no, don't apologize."

You felt his hands rub up and down your back, and that soft display of affection gave you enough confidence to form words. “I didn't know how to explain why I missed all those calls without telling you about…this. I didn't want to let you see this side of me. I thought you would break up with me. So it was easier to just ignore you."

"No, no, no, what?” he shook his head. “Why would I break up with you? Over this?"

"Because I'm… overreacting? Unstable?"

Mat went silent, his arms tightening their grip around you. "...What?"

"You don't deserve someone so broken, who you have to keep putting back together."

"Listen, listen, listen." He tilted your face up to look at him, forcing you to be eye-to-eye with him. When you finally met his pretty, hazel eyes, you found nothing but love. No annoyance, no anger, only love, care, and urgency. "Do you have any idea how scared I was when I didn’t hear from you? When I walked in and saw you crying on the couch? That was like, one of my worst nightmares.” His voice cracked a bit. Not hearing from you had been hard on him. He could barely pay attention to the games, and it had shown in his playing. “Please, please don’t keep things from me because you’re scared of how I’ll react. I love you. You’re not overreacting. You're not unstable. You're not a burden. You're not broken, baby. Even if this side of you isn’t great, it's just another part of you that makes you, you. And I love you, so we'll manage this together, alright?”

“Together?”

“Yeah, together.” He laughed a little, trying to lighten the mood. “I’m your boyfriend, we’re together, so you never have to go through anything alone, ever again. I’m always here. We’ll figure out some way to get through this. I promise.”

He leaned in to press a kiss against your mouth, all the urgency and care for you spilling out from his lips as they moved against yours. You would’ve stayed like that forever, but an aching in your head had you pulling back and burying your face in your boyfriend’s neck.

“We can think about getting a doctor’s opinion, or get some at home activities or something to help keep you calm while I’m gone, or-”

“Tomorrow, Maty? My head hurts. Just hold me.”

"Anything you need, babe.” He readjusted your position in bed gently, careful not to hurt your head even more, and you ended up sprawled out on top of him with your face directly on his chest, his arms around your back. “I'm never going to judge you, so don't try to shut me out. Especially not when you're going through this. I don't want you to feel alone in this relationship, ever."

“I love you so much, Mat. Thank you for helping me calm down.”

"I love you, baby. I love you. Good or bad, I love every side of you."

“Hear you falling and lonely, cry out:

"Will you fix me up? Will you show me hope?

The end of the day, I'm helpless

Can you keep me close? Can you love me most?“

-Someone To Stay, Vancouver Sleep Clinic

#mat barzal #fic #op #nhl writing #i had to include those lyrics cuz i listen to that song a lot when i need to cry

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iwriteforthetincanman · 4 years ago

Text

Mandoctober Day 14: Helmet

A/N: brought to you by angst, depression, a small hot chocolate, the tense feeling in my shoulders as I’m typing this and of course the source of almost all of my writing: the mixture of insomnia and a f**ked up sleep schedule.

p.s. I am trying to take care of myself, October is just a tough time of the year for me and Mandoctober is helping me cope. I refuse to give up any possibly writings/drawings at this point.

Also this is loosely based off of headcannons from @dindjarindiaries blog and this is for @leo-moon ‘s Mandoctober!

TW: mentions of abuse (both descriptive, non-descriptive, mental, emotional and physical but only for a two, three paragraphs) Refusal to eat or sleep (Din refuses to do these things for two seconds and Reader isn’t granted them) minor character death, themes of slavery (NOT RACE SPECIFIED) (not a trigger warning) pronouns of a gender neutral partner and of course, lastly, hurt/comfort and fluff. (Also personally because I wrote this and I can shout it into the void, I’m gender fluid with she/her pronouns so I’d like to imagine reader is too, BUT THAT’S JUST ME SO IMAGINE THIS HOWEVER YOU WANT, once again requests are open for any sexuality/gender, as long as you give me brief description of what you want, nothing NSFW)

Time. Aboard the Razor Crest with no specific moon, sun or stars to guide you, time easily became irrelevant. What you learned very quickly was that with this discovery, you realized Din knew that too.

Or it had gotten to a point where he learnt it a long time ago and just...forgot all about it.

Sometimes he would just sit there in the pilot’s seat, without even doing anything and he would just stare into oblivion. You wondered if his eyesight was okay. Now that you think about it...when was the last time he ate something? Does he ever take that helmet off?

“Din? Are you okay?” For a moment you thought he might be asleep.

“Sorry...did you say something?” Okay, now you knew he at least needed some sleep.

“Come on tin can. You need some brain food and maybe even an ‘extended nap’.” You joked.

“Isn’t that just called sleeping?” You couldn’t tell if he was being serious or not...or if that helmet was squeezing his brain too.

“Come on!” Grabbing his hand unexpectedly, Din flinched a little before you dragged him to his feet.

“I-I can’t.” This admission had you stopping in your tracks as you reached the hull.

“Is...everything okay?” You were concerned before but now you were starting to think he was hiding a wound from you. He’s done it before. Waiting until you were asleep to tend to it so you wouldn’t worry. Little did he know you had been wide awake with worry for a while and could hear him hurting himself with that blasted cauterizer.

It was understandable that as a Mandalorian medical supplies weren’t cheap. Even with all the bounties Din brought in, currency rates were going up around the universe. It was difficult to keep up with. Which is why you never broached the subject with him.

It wasn’t your place to pry.

Not with him anyway...he was silent, reserved, it was like he didn’t trust you. Yet you of all people understood that, you understood that it took you a long time to trust him. Like really trust him with your life...rather than just your role to him as the child’s ‘caretaker’.

It blind sided you when you realized how deeply you cared for him...Mando.

Gods, you didn’t even know his own name.

“My creed. I can’t...eat in front of other people.” This was a touchy subject. You knew that. But you underestimated how stressed out he really was. He wasn’t wounded...he was just bone tired.

“Well, I can make some food-”

“DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND? I DON’T NEED YOUR HELP!”

“...ok.”

He hadn’t seethed the words out from his teeth as loud as you had heard them.

But...the look on your face as your eyes met the floor, undoubtedly filling with tears.

It cut Din deeper than any vibroblade could.

---

“I don’t know what to do Ad’ika. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t dream without thinking of her. And now...now I’ve gone and done the worst thing I could ever do to her...I hurt her without even touching her.”

The sigh was small before it reached a crescendo out of his lungs, erupting out of his head like it was a volcano. That was what it felt like to breath again. When he was alone Mando had the freedom to take his helmet off on the Crest as much as he wanted. As long as he was in space, his privacy was unlimited.

But that all changed when he met the child and then eventually...you.

“I just wish...I knew more about her. Knew her likes and dislikes. Knew what her favorite food was. What makes her laugh...her favorite kind of music…I’ve gone and ruined everything haven’t I? Not just for me but for you too. I can’t just let her go...and if she does leave I can’t just hire someone new. She’s...really burrowed her way into my heart, little one.”

Din’s soliloquy fell into the little creature’s ears like a fly trap. The child knew his father was hurting, he could feel it, not just in the force but in his tiny little heart. It was the kind of hurt he couldn’t fix with his own hands...he had to find another way. He had to make his buir feel whole again.

Determined, the little creature climbed onto his father’s chest as his breathing started to relax.

“Ad’ika, I’m not in the mood for games right now…” The dark circles under Din’s eyes became more and more pronounced as the hours dragged on. The good thing about being a father now meant that he had someone to talk to at any time if the baby was also struggling to sleep.

Din never thought he would become a father. He thought a lot of things wouldn’t happen before he died a warrior’s death. He definitely thought he wasn’t going to fall in love too...but that happened before he could even think about it.

Multiple chirps and coos echoed from the child’s lips as Din continued to massage his temples.

“Ad’ika did you not hear me?”

Opening his eyes, Din found himself utterly and completely alone.

“Ad’ika!” Startling upwards, he launched himself onto his bear feet as he searched the dark air around him for either you or the child.

“Y/N!” Screaming your name into the void he began to run, not caring about his bare feet, his sleep wear or the fact his helmet was completely missing.

A fact that had not gone unnoticed by the child.

---

Abruptly, Din was launched into the scorching blazes of a desert sun.

The sand hurt as he fell down the dune he wasn’t gonna lie.

But in some weird, twisted way, it felt good to feel the sand under his skin.

“Girl! You get back here! Wretched creature!!” The sudden yelling came from a small village not too far away from where Din stood. Flinching, he hid behind the sand. He felt naked without the beskar. It was almost embarrassing how scared he was right now.

Peering over the sandy hill, he saw a young child with Y/H/C hair, rosy cheeks and bare feet run straight towards him. Not considering the strange events that had occurred before this, Din, although he’d never admit it, attempted to run away from her. Except, when she caught up to him, she ran right through him.

Din couldn’t decide whether this was some wicked form of a dream or that he had died and was now wandering the nearest planet.

Oh Maker, what if he was dead? There was no way you could pilot the Crest on your own...and what about Ad’ika.

That was when he heard it, the baby cooing in his head.

“Ad’ika?”

That’s when it clicked. He wasn’t in some hellish figment of his imagination or dead…the child had used his powers to do this since he wasn’t wearing his helmet. But then again...where the hell was he?

“Y/N! YOU UGLY THING! IF YOU DON’T GET BACK HERE I WILL THROTTLE YOU!”

Whipping around to face you, all Din was met with was the familiar sight of you hunched over yourself, right near his feet. Crying. This had happened before but…not like this.

Was this...one of your memories?

Oh no...Din was in your head. Somehow, the baby had managed it.

“I DON’T WANT TO GO BACK THERE! AND YOU CAN’T MAKE ME!” Din turned back to face the furious woman, she looked like a cursed school teacher, her hair flying all over the place. But what stood out to him were the nail marks on her cheek.

He couldn’t picture it but somehow this woman had distressed you so much you had decided to hit her. The next thing that happened confirmed it…

SLAP!

“YOU EVER HIT ME LIKE THAT AGAIN GIRL I WON’T BE AS CONSIDERATE TO KEEP YOU!”

Keep you? Oh...you weren’t a school child.

You were a slave.

That’s why when you had first met you had been so skittish, so fearful...and yet so brave.

Somehow it all made sense.

Din couldn’t help reaching out for you as your head sagged on your shoulders, a purple and pink mark blossoming across the side of your face as the evil woman clawed her hand around your wrist.

“You will make my children their supper and you will go straight into the cellar with no dinner. Do you understand me child?” She spoke with a gentle tone...yet the venom dripped from it with the force of a thousand sandcrawlers.

“...Yes Ma’am.”

Your submission startled Din. Then again, you were only a child, and if Din hadn’t been taken in by the Mandalorians at your age...who knows what could’ve happened to him. From what little he had heard about of slaves...they didn’t often make it to see their teenage years.

Yet, somehow you did.

Din couldn’t help being grateful that, from what he could see of you, those were the only things that cruel woman had done to you.

---

Stumbling into a new landscape, Din shook his head in an attempt to gain his bearings.

“Look Y/N, it’ll be a quick job, all you have to do is listen to what I say and we’ll be gone as soon as you can say ‘bantha fodder’.”

This was a new voice. A teenager from what Din could guess. They spoke in a kind tone but at the sound of the way they said your name he couldn’t help the feeling of jealousy welling up in him.

Shaking his head once again, he looking around the jungle planet to spot you and this person.

“Iarren...I don’t know about this. I know we’ve done stuff like this before but we’re not resistance fighters. Those are imperial troops. What if...what if one of us doesn’t come back from this?”

A much older version of you appeared like a vision from behind the leaves. You were much older now, Din could only guess that you had only just recently come of age. You had grown into your features well. He could see more of the fierce woman he had come to know.

“Babe, you worry too much. Imps are stupid, plus what we are after is right next to the door practically. If you’re so concerned you can cover me from here and I’ll be right back to kiss your worries away...alright?” Din could tell just by the way you shared a glance that you were absolutely taken with this person.

In a way Din respected them...but in the back of his mind he knew there was a reason he was seeing this particular memory. Bracing himself, he could only watch as you shared a tender kiss with your lover. It shocked him how passionate you were with them. Gripping them like a vice as if you knew what was about to happen.

Din’s heart broke for you as he watched you sob over their corpse later that very night.

---

“Cyare?”

Din thought he had finally made it back to you just by looking upon your face. Much older now, age similar to the one when he met you. Looking around, he realized...this was that exact moment.

“Excuse me.”

Now Din knew for certain he wasn’t dreaming...there was no way he could dream about himself in this much detail. It was like having an out of body experience...in a way he was.

“Can I help you?” The first thing Din noticed about you was that you were too kind to have been on a planet as rough as Andos. Imps were everywhere nowadays and it was the one time Din had to wear a proper cloak so no one could spot him.

“I need to hire someone to help me with a child. I was wondering if you could help me find a person that is trustworthy?” Being a Mandalorian was so difficult that day. Meeting you made him realize that you were kind enough to suggest yourself, admitting that you were tired of the constant trail of dead bodies this planet had shown you. He flinched when you mentioned the blood you found leaking through your front door one morning.

He accepted your offer immediately. Offering payment for a job you had been doing for years without none.

Din had no clue he had saved you from slavery for the second time in your life.

---

Waking up in a cold sweat, Din knew this was reality.

All your memories, it felt like a dream.

That’s when he felt his son sag against his chest, heaving long tired breaths.

Din was scared he had over exerted himself.

“Ad’ika...why did you do that?”

All the child could do was reach for his father’s face, bringing it towards his own.

“Da.” This one, simple word, brought Din’s walls crumbling to the ground as he began to cry.

“Thank you...Ni kar’tayli gar darasuum Ad’ika.”

The overwhelming joy he felt caused his thoughts about you to skyrocket. He knew he had to share this information with you.

Startling from his bed, Din shot out of his room with the sleepy child tucked against his vest clad chest.

“Y/N! Cyare come quick!”

The sound of his unmodulated voice scared you more than anything else he had said to you that night. What you didn’t expect when you opened the door was to find a complete stranger shouting your name.

“WHO ARE YOU? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH DIN?!” You practically screamed, ready to throw hands with this strange practically half naked man that had appeared before you.

That’s what you spotted the child in his arms, half asleep and staring admiringly up at the man.

“...He called me da. I...had to share that with you Cyare...I didn’t even think twice about my creed.” The watery smile he gave you was enough to convince you that the man before you was none other than Din Djarin himself.

“...just like that? You...you threw away your creed, being a Mandalorian...just so you could tell me he spoke his first word?” Din thought you were upset, in a way you were.

When he turned to find your eyes filled with the happiest of tears he had ever seen, the overwhelming urge to kiss you kept slamming into his head, bleeding through his heart.

“Cyare...Father’s always share the first word their child speaks with their Mother.”

When you began to sob, Din refused to hold himself back as he curled his fingers through your hair, cradling your son between the two of you as he tilted your head back.

As his lips brushed against yours for the first time…

You both had never felt so free.

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mavmax · 3 years ago

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The Art of Vulnerability | Maverick + Sooyun

When: June 21st, 2021

Where: Maverick’s Apartment

Warnings: Emotional breakdown, Depression, Self-loathing

Featuring: @sooyunjeong

Maverick laid on Sooyun's lap, his mind was in and out of watching what was on tv and his own clouded mind. He felt guilt, but he didn't show it to her, he wanted to be brave for her, be tough, and protect her. That was what he had to do, after all, but, even then, he could feel himself fighting back tears, when one managed to slip down his cheek, and he tried wiping it away before it landed on her lap.

sooyun jeong

Sooyun was watching a kdrama, a show that was beyond cheesy romance and figured it was a decent show to watch while she unwind from practice and her hand began throbbing from over using it. She was preoccupied by the male lead aggressively shouting in korean when she felt him move, glancing down at him on her lap, she reached down to smooth his hair with her left hand and leaned over to catch a look at his face. “Are you okay?”

Maverick froze at Sooyun’s question for a moment. Should he say that he was okay? Smile it off and nod and go back to the show? Or should he show the vulnerability, open up fully for once and let down that wall that he knew he had put up at Pride. He let out a shaky sigh, and shook his head quietly.

sooyun jeong

Sooyun realized that this was going to be something serious, her mind racing through reasons on why he was upset, so many ideas racing that she tried not to appear overwhelmed. Instead she tilt her head, “what’s wrong?”

Maverick could feel a part of him fighting to not even show a semblance of vulnerability. Part of the wall wanted to go up, to show that he got this, that he could lie and say he was tired, but in reality...the other part wanted to open up to Soo, he was hurt, exhausted, frustrated all at once. "I'm tired," He began softly. "I'm tired of not feeling like I'm wanted by anyone."

sooyun jeong

Hearing his voice, the difference between his usual tone and this one, she realized that perhaps he was hurting. Sooyun turned his face to look up at her, “what are you talking about? You are wanted.” She said softly, it pained her to see him like this, she can see the vulnerability in him and it made her realize he was always having this facade up.

When Sooyun turned Mav's face towards hers, his vision was instantly blurred by tears as he shook his head. "People are always like 'hey, you want him? cause I don't', whenever I do something that's just...a part of me. I've had that, my whole life. There was a part in my life, where I felt really unwanted and whenever I hear it, I can't help but wonder if everyone's...better...off without me. So, there's that," He responded calmly, trying to fight back the tears that threatened to escape him. He was finally letting down his walls.

sooyun jeong

Sooyun felt an immense guilt fill her chest, thinking back to when Soo thought she was joking but realized it was a trigger for Maverick, her eyes soften as she used her thumb to wipe away the tear that was ready to fall. “Mav…” she trailed off, her voice shaking, swallowing down the feeling as she gave him a smile. “Life without you would be boring, when I said that…when I said those words to Blaine, I was joking—not knowing that it affects you deeply. I’m sorry I said those words without thinking about your feelings. I was just angry at what your ex did to you without your consent and I took it out on you.” Sooyun lowered her gaze, talking about feelings and such was still a hard thing for her to do but she was slowly growing to understand. “I love everything about you Mav, even the parts that annoy me, I still find myself loving you even more.”

Maverick took a shaky breath to calm his own breathing, it was hard to even address his own feelings without feeling like he was drowning in them. Soo's touch, however, kept him afloat. He took a breath, closing his eyes for a moment before opening them again. "It's not your fault, you didn't know," He said softly. When her gaze shifted, he knew that it was hard for Sooyun to open up, too. It was something both of them had in common, after all. He reached his hand up to her cheek. "It's something I didn't think I'd ever talk about, my sisters know, Eric knows by proxy...but, I wanted to be strong for you, that's why I didn't want to say anything, you know? I love you and I just...I wanted to be that protective boyfriend."

sooyun jeong

“You don’t always have to be the strong protective boyfriend Mav, you’re human, just be open with me.” Soo reassured him, meeting his eyes once more and leaned into his touch, taking in his features and pushing some of hair away from his face. “I’m tired of people thinking they need to be strong for me, I’m a big girl and I can handle anything thrown my way…I want you to be okay….to be mentally okay as well.”

"I've always had to...be the protective one, you know? The one time I just...existed, well, we know what happened there," Mav chuckled dryly, but he nuzzled into Soo's touch. His vision getting clearer as he focused on her warm brown eyes. "I know...trust me, I know you're capable. Hell, you broke your hand for me and I can't help but feel guilty. I don't want you to hurt yourself for me," He sighed. "I wanna be okay, I wanna be vulnerable around you, you know?"

sooyun jeong

Sooyun rolled her eyes and lightly flicked his forehead, “I didn’t break my hand for you, I broke it because I was so mad that I didn’t hold my hand correctly for a fist. All I was thinking is just one bop to the face would do but I didn’t think she had it in her to fight back.” She grabbed his hand and brought it up to her mouth to kiss it, “you need to stop blaming yourself for something that isn’t your fault.”

Maverick chuckled lightly at Soo’s finger flick and he used his free hand to rub his forehead lightly. “I know, I just…I still felt responsible, you know? I know she deserved the sock to the face which, was epic, but, yknow,” he sighed. He smiled at her gesture and as a result he slowly got up to finally face her properly. “I’ll try,” He whispered, leaning in to press a kiss to her lips.

sooyun jeong

Sooyun let her lower lip poke out in a pout and wrapped her arms around him, nudging his forehead with her own, “Since I’m still learning new things about you…we should make up a word to inform each other we are upset instead of storming out of the room. When you left abruptly, I wanted to chase after you but obviously they made me go check my hand then I had to go on stage. I don’t want you to face these situations alone…I want you to be able to lean on me.”

Maverick smiled at Sooyun’s cute pout and curled into her instinctively, letting his own warms wrap around her small frame. He rested his forehead against hers and let out a soft sigh. “Yeah, we can do that…I’m sorry for storming out, by the way. I tend to do that before I lash out and I don’t ever want to at you,” He said softly. “No, no, I get it, which by the way, you killed it on stage. Broken hand and all,” He teased. “I won’t face it alone, not anymore…” His hand went softly to her cheek and he then said, “This sounds basic, but maybe code red? Or just saying red? I could also hold your hand if I say it if we’re standing next to each other?”

sooyun jeong

“Code red can work…red…it’s simple and easy to remember.” She agreed with him, she wanted to be able to be there for him, through the good and ugly of it. She knew relationships weren’t always going to be fairytale like, it was supposed to be hard to learn to lean on someone other than yourself. “If you lash out on me, I will find it incredibly hot to see you pissed and allow you to yell at me,” She admitted with a smirk

"I was thinking the same, nothing too complicated, you know?" Maverick offered with a small smile. It was definitely huge progress than before. It wasn't always going to be rosy and easy. Sometimes there was going to be bumps in the road, sometimes they were going to clash, but through Sooyun, he learned how to lean on someone emotionally rather than go into it independently, because after all, a relationship was two people and their emotions, not just one. "Babe," He laughed, shaking his head. "Are you saying you want me to be a little more aggressive?"

sooyun jeong

Sooyun laughed, "Yes that's exactly what I am asking, because instead of storming out, just grab my hand and pull me away somewhere quiet and you can take your frustrations out on me--or if you need a shoulder to cry on." She let her cast rest onto her lap, she wanted Maverick to at least lean on her in tough times, to think that two months ago she wouldn't have cared yet here she was.

"I'll do better and not storm out on you, but I also won't yell at you because I know that shit sucks...but, if you want me to be aggressive, all you gotta do is ask," Mav teased, pressing a kiss to her cheek. "But yeah...I'll let you know when something's bothering me from here on out, I promise." And he meant every word. A few months ago, she would've been the last person he'd go to, but she was there for him and understood him.

sooyun jeong

"But what if I want you to grab me and we leave and I allow you to take out your frustrations on me?" She playfully batted her eyelashes and laughed, reaching up to caress his cheek, "As long as you know I am here now, i will support whatever choices you make--I'll most likely question it but I will be here."

“I’ll wind up giving you so many hickeys,” Maverick chuckled at that thought of how rough he’d be with Sooyun. He nuzzled his cheek into her hand and the devilish grin had softened into his usual smile. “Thank you, Soo. And just know, I’m here for you too, okay? I know this opening up thing isn’t easy for both of us, but, I wanna make it work for us. Just like you’re doing for me.”

sooyun jeong

"Like you don't already? Who are you trying to play?" Sooyun laughed, the sound of the show playing some sappy music made her realize the show they were watching ended but at the moment she didn't care, Maverick was opening up to her and she enjoyed that. "We're working on it, we've both been hurt as you stated so of course it will take some time for the both of us to learn how to trust again. I want you to know I would never cheat on you...even though I was notorious for having multiple lovers, I can be faithful."

“But they’re tiny hickeys. The other ones out of frustration would be huge,” Maverick chuckled. It definitely didn’t help they were having this talk as the sappy kdrama music played in the background but at the same time, it was fitting for the moment. At Sooyun’s words he nodded with a smile, his hand reaching up to her cheek to caress it softly. “You’re right…and for what it’s worth, you won’t ever have to worry about me straying from you or getting hurt. I’ll be careful. I promise.”

sooyun jeong

"Small or large, they're still hickies," Sooyun laughed, "And besides, pretty much everyone knows we're dating at this point, which by the way, I love how we said we'd keep it on the down low, yet here we are." She knew her manager was most likely having a ball with that, soo on the other hand didn't care as long as people knew that Maverick was her boyfriend. "You better because, I don't think I can break my left hand or maybe I can ask Jae for advice."

“Hmmm…I guess you’re right,” Mav chuckled as he carefully watched her neck. “My favorite one is fading though, bummer,” He pouted for a moment. “Oh, definitely. Which is funny cause we did say we’d keep it on the low but here we are, holding hands and being cute in public…I like it though. I feel like it just brought us closer together you know?” He pointed out with a grin. “Um yeah let’s not break the other hand but hey push comes to shove, I’ll make out with you in public…or we could ask Jae for the best course of action?”

sooyun jeong

Sooyun could feel the heat of his gaze on her neck, the spot where the hickie he placed, it had her shiver in delight of him replacing it. She mentally told her hormones to relax as she tilt her head, "I mean...you can always place another one there again." She suggested innocently, but she knew that once he started anywhere near her neck she would allow it to go further. "I feel like Jae would just suggest to whack them in the face, but making out in public isn't so bad."

A smirk curled on Maverick’s lips as he watched Soo purposely tilt her neck towards him to show off the fading hickey, but also give him a free invite to add onto it. “Hmm,” Mav purposely leaned forward, letting his breath fall onto Soo’s neck. “Tempting but I should behave,”. He chuckled. “Yeah that’s true…let’s do less battery and more making out.”

#p:Sooyun #para

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prettywordsyouleft · 5 years ago

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The Right Choice - Part 5

Summary: You had hoped going to Korea to look after your estranged grandmother would allow you to connect in some way to your mother’s culture. However, being half-Korean and a single mother meant you would face the stigma of a narrow-minded society instead. Had you really made the right choice to come here?

Pairing: Mark Tuan x reader

Genre: single mother au / strangers to lovers au / self-growth / angst / romance

Warnings: open prejudice and stigma over solo parenting

A/N; Although the warnings seem rather negative, this story is one I hope a lot of you will enjoy! I’ve wanted to write this for over eight months now, and I’m glad I finally sat down to do so. It isn’t as dark as it sounds, and nor is it intentionally a dig at Korean culture as a whole.

The Right Choice will be posted daily at 10am NZST.

Parts: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8

The honeymoon period of harmony within your grandmother’s home was somewhat short-lived. Over the following two weeks, you had grown closer to the woman, learning more about your mother along the way. She was adamant you were just like her, even if your eyes were the colour of your father’s. It made you feel closer to both your mother and the woman you were living with now. And although you hadn’t known your grandmother for long, you could tell having you here fulfilled her in ways that hadn’t been for some time.

It was as if you had brought the spirit of your mother back into the home as well.

“I’m going to meet with the neighbourhood committee now, Y/N!” your grandmother called out and you popped your head out of the bathroom.

“Alright, have fun!”

“Don’t forget to bring Emerson down. They have to meet her.”

“Of course, I promised I would stop by.”

Your grandmother fondly held the hand of the small child playing on the floor, chuckling when Emerson started to crawl after her. You dashed out to grab her before she followed the elder outside, holding the infant up so she could wave goodbye.

Your heart hadn’t felt this full in weeks.

When you eventually started on your journey to the bakery, you were in a good mood. Emerson managed to have her morning nap whilst you got everything straightened up and when you went to check if she was awake, she was full of smiles.

“Oh are you happy, Emmie? Should we go say hello to your Great-Grandmother’s friends and Mark? Let’s go!”

You hummed all your way to the store, the brisk air only quickening your step. As you went to round the corner, you happened to catch the tail end of a conversation from a couple departing the store.

“They’re always gossiping about some poor soul. If I was that single mother, I’d feel embarrassed to know her.”

Frowning briefly, you shook off the comment and stepped inside.

“What do you mean, your granddaughter didn’t marry before having the child?”

“Misun, she’s saying that she didn’t even sleep with the guy, isn’t that right?”

“The child was inserted in her without a father present. Very clinical,” your grandmother chided and all the women at the table shook their heads in disgust.

“What is this world coming to?”

“It’s an outrage! It shouldn’t be that hard to meet someone. Is she ugly?”

“Was I ugly as a child? Of course not. I mean, if she didn’t have her father’s whiteness, she would be the perfect example of a Korean woman. Any man would want her.”

You didn’t even know you had started to cry until your tears fell on top of Emerson’s hair, unsettling her somewhat. As your baby began to whine, you attempted to wipe away your emotions roughly. The eyes at the table travelled to you, the set that mattered the most widening in response.

“Y/N.”

“Don’t,” you managed, stepping backwards. You tore your focus away from your grandmother’s and up to another pair of eyes, surprised to see the look residing in Mark’s gaze as well. You hadn’t expected his judgement to hurt this much, and spinning around, you raced out of the bakery.

“Y/N, wait!”

“Get away from me!”

Mark reached out for your arm, but you yanked free, marching along the pavement.

“You heard it all wrong!” he attempted and you stopped to let out a scoff. Eyeing him scornfully, you shook your head, your tears raining over Emerson in your baby carrier.

“I should have expected it from her; it’s in her culture like you said. That narrow-minded point of view.” You then pointed at Mark with a shaky hand. “But from you? That hurt more.”

“What are you talking about?!”

“I saw your gaze. You looked disappointed at me.”

“Only because you never told me,” he responded, running a frustrated hand through his hair. “I thought you had her with someone and you didn’t.”

“Does it matter how I conceived Emerson?”

“Not to me.”

“You just said-”

“I was surprised, Y/N. Not disgusted.”

You stared at Mark for a moment longer and then smiled sadly. “This is why I don’t get people. Because whenever I think I matter, I’m reminded that I don’t. Thank you for your friendship. I was stupid to allow my thoughts to run any further than that.”

Turning around, you walked away, unresponsive to any calls Mark made after you.

You fought through the desire to catch the first flight back home. Even if you were beyond crushed, you knew that you had to sort out arrangements for your grandmother’s welfare first. She had only just started breathing better and when she returned home later that day, you could hear the staggered breathing had returned.

Your pain would have to wait until you could decide it was safe to leave.

All the same, you refused to be in the same space as her for long. You felt like a complete fool for letting down your barriers as you had. You believed she had accepted her half-blooded granddaughter but her words in the bakery had destroyed that beautifully painted picture. She tolerated you, at best.

Staring at your fussing daughter, you wondered what she thought of Emerson. Had she given her some grace since she was innocent in all of this? Or had there been a moment where your grandmother had been smitten by her? You remembered back to Mark’s exclamation of how charming Emerson was.

You felt depressed whenever you thought of Mark.

Had you really fallen for a guy you barely knew? You always wanted to see the best in everyone; it was a strength according to your parents. But it had blindsided you as well, convincing you that his friendliness had a further meaning behind it. He was just that, a nice guy who offered you one too many smiles. Your heart must be more ready than you had believed it to be towards having a partner in your life. And seeing Mark with Emerson had sealed the deal.

You had been doubly foolish in this foreign city.

After a week of working on hiring someone proficient and showing them around, you had settled on a flight home. Your Dad was ready to welcome you back and you needed the security of the familiar life you had lived up until this point. Your mood swings were detrimental to Emerson’s needs and you couldn’t be that kind of mother to her anymore.

Your grandmother refused to pay any mind to the new helper, openly dismissing her assistance in any way. It frustrated you, and yet you were also too tired to keep on trying. You had done your best and she had shot your efforts down.

Some people were never meant to change.

“I’m leaving tomorrow early in the morning,” you announced over dinner, though the matron of the table didn’t respond. You poised your chopsticks in your hands for a moment, taking in a steadying breath. “It’s been wonderful getting to know you, and I wish your good health to be long-lasting, Grandmother.”

She scoffed but didn’t make any effort to continue with any sort of remark.

You sighed. “Thank you for your hospitality all this time, I’ll make sure to let Emerson know all about you.”

“The witch I am, supposedly.”

“No, as the woman who embraced her for a short period despite her mixed blood.”

You both fell silent and then she left the table. Fighting back your emotions, you tried to finish your meal, though you gave up when you choked on a mouthful. Your grandmother returned then, holding out a red envelope.

“What’s this?”

“I went to a temple this week and prayed over you both. Whilst I was there, I was given a name as an answer. Every Korean child has a name with a meaning behind it. You already have your own, but Emerson didn’t have one. I hope you can accept this parting gift.”

With shaking hands, you took the envelope.

“My happiest moments were when you called me Grandma informally, by the way,” she admitted before walking off and leaving you reeling with all your mixed emotions.

_________________

Part 6

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124 notes · View notes

ageofevermore · 4 years ago

Note

1-96

(1) Do You Sleep With Your Closet Doors Open Or Closed?

it’s a dual sliding door, so usually one sides open. but preferably, both doors are closed.

(2) Do You Have Freckles?

sometimes in the summer, not often though.

(3) Can You Whistle?

yes!

(4) Last Song You Listened To.

well for some reason there’s a guy on my TV singing God Bless The USA

(5) What Is Your Favourite Colour?

purple

(6) Relationship Status.

single because my favorite omegle guy won’t answer me

(7) What Is The Temperature Right Now?

48F / 9C

(8) Did You Wake Up Cranky?

i woke up wishing i was still asleep

(9) How Many Followers?

835

(10) Zodiac Sign.

Sun: Capricorn, Rising: Aries, Moon: Aquarius

(11) What Is Your Eye Colour?

brown / hazel

(12) Take A Vitamin Daily?

(13) Do You Sing In The Shower?

obviously, i’m not completely insane

(14) What Books Are You Reading?

whatever fucking book my english class assigned...

(15) Grab The Book Nearest To You, Turn To Page 64, Give Me Line 14.

i literally only have a text book by me and opening it is triggering

(16) Favourite Anime?

i don’t watch anime

(17) Last Person You Cried In Front Of?

my mom...about greys anatomy...but still my mom about christmas and my birthday. i cry alot, but i like REALLY cried about those two topics

(18) Do You Collect Anything?

chapstick, trauma, candles

(19) What Did You Have For Lunch?

it’s only 10am and i haven’t even thought about breakfast

(20) Do You Dance In The Car?

yes, and then my mom yells at me because i do nothing “subtly” and the entire car shakes

(21) Favourite Animal?

white siberian tigers, snow leopards, dolphins, and now elephants

(22) Do You Watch The Olympics?

unfortunately. i love gymnastics, but like, i’m not trying to watch men in toboggans and swim caps

(23) What Time Do You Usually Go To Bed?

anywhere between 12pm and 3am

(24) Are You Wearing Makeup Right Now?

no, i never wear makeup because it makes me look more ugly

(25) Do You Prefer To Swim In A Pool Or The Ocean?

ocean

(26) Favourite Tumblr Blog?

besides my friends i don’t really have a favorite blog, i stick to my circle and don’t venture very far

(27) Bottled Water Or Tap Water?

bottled.

(28) What Makes You Happy?

i couldn’t tell you...

(29) Post A Gif Of What You’re Currently Feeling Right Now.

(30) Do You Study Better With Or Without Music?

without, but i always start with it on. it never lasts more then two songs.

(31) Dogs Or Cats?

dogs

(32) If You Were A Crayon What Colour Would You Be?

a shade of purple from the crayola 200 pack

(33) PlayStation Or Xbox.

wii

(34) Would You Swim In The Lake Or Ocean?

ocean

(35) Do You Believe In Magic?

hell mothering fucking year i do baby, lets take that train to hogwarts

(36) What Colour Shirt Are You Wearing?

its a friends pj crop, so black and white stripped with the central perks logo

(37) Can You Curl Your Tongue?

yup

(38) Do You Save Money Or Spend It?

save money

(39) Is There Anything Pink Within 10 Feet Of You?

my cup

(40) Do You Have Any Obsessions Right Now?

stranger things ig

(41) Have You Ever Caught A Butterfly?

no, those assholes scare me, but i’ve grown + released them

(42) Are You Easily Influenced By Other People?

um chile, i would follow my best friend off a cliff with no hesitation

(43) Do You Have Strange Dreams?

all the fucking time

(44) Do You Like Going On Airplanes?

ITS MY FAVORITE FORM OF TRAVEL

(45) Name One Movie That Made You Cry.

the hannah montana movie

(46) Peanuts Or Sunflower Seeds?

peanuts

(47) If I Handed You A Concert Ticket Right Now, Who Would You Want The Performer To Be?

one direction

(48) Are You A Picky Eater?

yes

(49) Are You A Heavy Sleeper?

yes, but it takes me forever to fall asleep

(50) Do You Fear Thunder / Lightning?

yea, depends on the day and the level of scardy bitch i feel like being

(51) Do You Like To Read / Write?

i love both

(52) Do You Like Your Music Loud?

hell yeah, let me feel the beat in my kidneys

(53) Would You Rather Carve Pumpkins Or Wrap Presents?

carve pumpkins

(54) Put Your Music On Shuffle, What Is The First Song That Came Up?

no tears left to cry by ag

(55) What Season Are You In Right Now? (Weather)

fall

(56) What Are You Craving Right Now?

a churro + peppermint mocha frap

(57) Post A Screenshot Of Your Tumblr Feed.

(58) What Is Your Gender?

female (she/her)

(59) Coffee Or Tea?

iced coffee / sweet tea

(60) Do You Have Any Homework Right Now? If So, What Is It About?

yeah, i have environmental homework and US I homework and Algebra II homework

(61) What Is Your Sexuality?

bruh, idk

(62) Do You Make Your Bed In The Morning?

no, that shit’s never made

(63) Favourite Pokemon?

jigglypuff

(64) Favourite Social Media?

pintrest

(65) What’s Your Opinion On Instagram Stories?

they’re okay

(66) Do You Get Homesick?

no. i don’t miss thins very easily, i’m away from home for a week and i have no doubt that i could spend the rest of my life without going back.

(67) Are You A Virgin?

yes sir

(68) What Shampoo And Conditioner Are You Using Right Now?

idk, some really thick and heavy in hydration set

(69) If You Were Far From Home And Needed To Sleep For The Night, Would You Choose To Rent A Crappy Motel Room For $60 Or Sleep In Your Car For Free?

sleep in my car, though both options scare me

(70) Are Both Of Your Blood Parents Still In Your Life?

i have a strained relationship with my bio dad, but unfortunately i still have to associate myself with him a few times a year

(71) ��Whats The Next Movie You Want To See In Theaters?

black widow or spiderman 3, but i’m willing to see anything just take me back!

(72) Do You Miss Your Ex?

i’ve never had an ex, but i do wish krystian would stop ignoring me. stupid scotland boys

(73) What Is Your Favourite Quote Right Now?

“friends dont lie”

(74) What Eye Colour Do You Find Sexiest?

green / brown

(75) Did You Like Swinging As A Child? Do You Still Get Excited When You See A Swing Set?

i loved swinging, but a few years ago it started making me dizzy so i don’t swing very often anymore. but tire swings especially are my shit

(76) What Was The Last Thing You Ate?

chicken flavored ramen

(77) What Games Do You Have On Your Phone?

yes

(78) Would You Give A Homeless Person CPR If They Were Dying? Why Or Why Not?

yeah...because they’re dying and if i have the skills to save them...why wouldn’t i?

(79) Been On The Computer For 5 Hours Straight?

honey, i do full virtual high school. we stan a pandemic (we don’t)

(80) Stalked Someone On A Social Network?

social media stalker is my middle name. not anymore though, i haven’t been asked to find a boy in a while

(81) Do You Like Meeting New People?

no. i hate it. anxiety city man.

(82) Do You Wear Rings? If You Do, Take A Picture Of Them.

i don’t wear rings, but i really want to.

(83) Do You Sleep With Your Bedroom Door Open Or Closed?

closed

(84) What Are Three Things You Did Today?

woke up, watched stranger things, made ramen

(85) What Do You Wear To Bed?

whatever i fall asleep in.

(86) List All Of Your Different Beauty Products You Have Right Now.

are beauty and skincare the same? because i don’t own much makeup.

(87) Are You A Day Or Night Person?

i used to be a night person. but this pandemic has hit hard with depression and i’ve become a stay in bed all day person

(88) List All Of Your Video Games On Your Phone, Console Etc.

2048 balls, among us, ball sort puzzle, bubble shooter, bubble sort, color roll 3D, drag n merge, fit and squeeze, hole.io, mario kart, match 3D, nonogram.com, paint the cube, roof rails, solitare, spit, stacky dash, stair run, timber run...

(89) Tell Me About A Dream That You Had And When It Happened.

After my moms fiance died, I had a dream that he was able to come see my fifth grade play (he died just before it happened) and when we were walking out he got into the white car from fast and furious (we watched the movies together) and said he would see me again soon, then he drove off...like talk about weird

(90) Favourite Soda Drink?

rootbeer

(91) What Sounds Are Your Favourite?

i like a good clicking sound

(92) Do You Wear Jeans Or Sweats More?

sweats everyday all day

(93) How Do You Look Right Now?

like a fucking wreck

(94) Name Something That Relaxes You.

netflix

(95) What Tattoo Do You Want?

i want a bunch of little symbols, and i think it would be cute if i got a T for my mom, but i can’t tell her that because she might think i’m going soft and exploit my show of affection (jfc why am i like this lmao)

(96) Favourite YouTuber?

colleen ballinger

#soapy tag #pink tag #ask game

1 note · View note

luciferpens · 4 years ago

Text

No Frayed Threads || Wesley & Raye

What: A continuation of THIS thread. Basically Wesley and Raye talking -- and Wesely finding out why Raye actually left. Where: Ugly Mug & Wesley’s House When: July 19, 2020 TW: Miscarriage, depression @icarialex

The only time Wesley had ever seen Raye act the way she was acting was when she had a panic attack, and he was honestly worried about causing one in the middle of a coffee shop. No matter what their past was, he wouldn’t wish that on many people. Maybe Leo. No, most definitely Leo. However, his attempt to comfort her was abruptly stopped when he heard the explanation finally leave her lips. His brows furrowed as his eyes looked down at the wooden table they were sitting at. They absentmindedly followed the path of the grain within the wood as he tried to imagine how her hurting him worse than he’d ever been hurt could have been to protect him. None of that made any sense. “To protect me,” he finally got out after letting his mind settle a small amount. “Protect me from what, Raye? How did you leaving help me? You took — you took away our future. You threw out love out the window and made me feel worthless. How could any of that be for any kind of good?” .

There were many people in his life that would agree with how Raye was being on herself, but Wesley couldn’t sit there and listen to her talk so horribly about herself. It would be so much easier if he could be that guy. The guy who emotionally disengaged, looked out for himself, and just didn’t give a shit anymore, but that would never be him. Instead, he clenched his jaw and lightly began bouncing his leg in the attempt to get the extra energy bouncing through him out. It was better than reaching out and comforting the woman. Thinking that they better continue the conversation somewhere else soon, Wesley downed the rest of his drink. “What happened to you,” he asked quickly. There it was. Concern immediately made it’s presence known in his tone at the idea of anything happening to Raye. Dammit. “You don’t deserve anything horrible, okay? Did you devastate me? Yeah, you did, but you’re not shit. We all make mistakes, you know? Maybe you’ll be better for it or something.” He winced slightly at his own words because comforting his ex girlfriend about her decision to crush him wasn’t on his to do list ever. How did he get there?

However, cool and composed flew out the window at the woman’s next words. Her could feel anger quickly rushing through his veins as Raye’s words registered in his mind. “Never a thing,” he angrily whispered as lightly as he could. “You,” he began asking before shaking his head. “No, no, you couldn’t do that. You’re not cruel enough to lie to me about cheating on me and tear my fiancé and the future of our family away from me. That — you wouldn’t do that.” ----

Her mouth felt like sandpaper and dirt and it felt like her eyes had taken every ounce of liquid and decided it needed to roll down her face. It was silent tears and her body had become still, she didn't shake with emotion, she didn't even breath heavy anymore. She had started to shut down her mind, to keep herself from truly losing it in the cafe. Instead she reached for the cloth and dabbed at her face, willing herself, or trying, to stop the tears and emotions. She blinked and the tears stopped -- for a moment at least. "You dying" she said simply, "You were going to die if things stayed how they were, and I'd rather you not die even if that meant breaking my own heart and yours too." Raye said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world, almost as if she was offended he even asked. Because in some way -- she was, he had to know -- deep down in his heart that Raye couldn't do something like that to him.... right? Or had she really been that good of an actress?

Raye felt eyes starting to turn to them, they weren't loud by any means, but their conversation was heated. The tension could be cut with a knife if someone truly wanted to. She spiraled down, down, down, into her emotions trying to dredge up anything other than sadness to show him, even a glint of happiness at the concern he showed her. But there was nothing there, not really... nothing other than anger and he didn't deserve anger. "A lot,” she said but clenched her mouth shut tight. She wasn't going to tell him. She wasn't going to. He didn't need to know that pain, he'd be better off if she just left and never spoke again. "A lot happened in the past year," she said her eyes were red but she had stopped crying, and if you looked at her, you'd have assumed she was just tired not -- emotionally drained and just crying. "One can only hope I'm a better demi-god now than I was a year ago, but only time will tell" she said with a hard swallow. "But yes, I did deserve it but he didn't" the last part wasn't even said, but instead mouthed down towards the table. Her hand came to rest on her stomach. The sound of anger spilling over Wesley's words made her head snap up. The last time she saw him mad was when they broke up, he was mad and sad and confused -- the same as he was now. but when he said our family her whole demeanor changed. It was as if the life was sucked out of her body, her mouth fell open slightly, her brow furrowed, and her eyes -- they looked far off. Distant, cold and hopeless.. and the silent tears returned. "I cant be here." she said suddenly as if something shocked her into movement. She stood up and without a glance around the room to the eyes that were watching them, darted out of the coffee shop. ----

“How did you even find out that I was going to die,” he asked curiously. While that would be something that would freak anyone out, he wished he would have been informed. It was his life after all, his fate. How the hell were so many important decisions made without him the affected his life? “Also, did something go wrong? Because Raye, I still almost died. Is there a way the fortune or whatever could have been read wrong?” Everything sounded so screwed up and sad. When he proposed to Raye, he promised to give her a lifetime of happiness, and he couldn’t even keep it for six months. The woman who was, and most likely always would be, the love of his life was a shell of the woman he knew, and it was killing him. It was absolute hell.

This was different, and he didn’t like it. The two of them had always been open with one another. Now, she was keeping things and mumbling things under her breath that he couldn’t make out. However, they were in the middle of a coffee shop and trying to pull it out of her there wasn’t the right decision. Wesley didn’t have much time to think about it though because apparently he’d said something messed up because his ex fiancé was running away from him. Fortunately, they both paid for their coffee at the counter, so he was able to get after her. Another lucky fact was that Raye was so much shorter than him so his longer legs allowed him to catch up to her. Without thinking twice about it, he wrapped his arms around her to get her to stop. “Whatever it is things will be okay,” he whispered as he pulled her as closely against him as he could. “If I’m here able to hold you and comfort you after what happened last year, then we’ll get through it.” .

Wesley held her for a few moments until he was confident that the panic had lowered slightly. Then, he pulled back and lightly lifted her chin so he could look at her properly. “Let’s go home,” he said without even thinking about it. “The house isn’t far, and we’ll have more privacy.” ----

Raye was walking down the street, anger, fear and sadness taking over her features. In her mind -- she felt like she was in another world, she registered what Wesley was saying but speaking -- speaking was hard. Explaining what happened -- it broke her heart and it hurt her soul. Raye licked her lips and glanced up to the clouds floating overhead. "Ava" She said with a frown. "She said our thread was frayed -- that it was close to ripping in half -- that one of us...One of us would die if it finally ripped. But -- I left, you're alive. It worked." She explained in broken sentences. "The fortune, the prediction, -- if you're alive and I was gone.... then it saved you. It kept you from death." she felt the tears prickling at her eyes once more as a breeze blew between the two of them. Her hair flying into her face.

Raye had learned to shut down, she had closed herself off to pretty much every person who tried to talk to her. The only person who knew it all was her sister Delilah. Otherwise? she had shut down and held it all in. The idea of speaking it in such a way that Wesley could hear her? It was outrageous. She had hoped she had gotten far enough away, hoped she was small enough and could blend into the crowd crossing the street enough that he wouldn't have spotted her. But when his arms wrapped around her frame she froze. Her body tensed and she stopped mid step on the sidewalk her eyes bloodshot and swollen. "You wont be okay." She said, the feel of his arms around her frame broke her. It was a safety she knew she didn't deserve. "You will be a fucking wreck if I tell you all of it -- and I can't I can't subject you to that here... I don't even want to fucking tell you Wesley. I don't want to hurt you more than I already have." she said in a whisper. his smell was bringing her back to their nights together under the stars, their nights talking about their future, about a family, "Just let me go Wesley, forget me. Forget all of this... Go be with Ness, you know she would treat you a hell of a lot better than I could," She said, sure it hurt, and sure it sucked to even think of. But Raye genuinely believed it. "Let me go Wes." She was still wrapped in his arms, still feeling like a broken doll hanging there. "Home" she muttered a hopeful sound dancing there. "Take me home."

----

Thinking about the night of the accident wasn’t fun for Wesley. From the very public ending of his relationship at an airport like the worst cliche in every romantic comedy to his anger nearly taking his life were all things he hated remembering. “Ava,” he asked curiously. That didn’t make any sense. If she’d said Hades or even one of the Fates he’d understand, but Ava? Then it caught up to him that she saw strings as part of her ability, but the strings didn’t tell the whole story. “Raye, I — I did die,” he said slowly. “I mean, um, I coded I think is the medical word. I wasn’t even gone sixty seconds before I was brought back, but technically that happened. I had something called a myocardial contusion,” he explained as he racked his brain to remember all the key terms. Wesley understood them easily enough because he was a very smart guy, but his head was really fuzzy from the concussion. “So, you see, if we go by the medical definition, I did die. I just had a lot of help to get back on my feet.” Between the excellent medical staff to Mira using her abilities, he was a lucky guy.

The idea that there could be something that could destroy him more than what had already happened scared the shit out of the man. His break up felt like it had completely destroyed him on his worst days, so the idea that she thought there was something more that would be worse was not great. Yet, when he heard her pleading him to leave, a switch flipped in him. Wesley had always been self sacrificing. While he’d probably feel it later, he couldn’t imagine letting her believe she wasn’t enough to fight for. He’d thought that, and he wouldn’t let that happen to someone he loved. “No, do you hear me,” he said as he held her gently on the shoulders. “No. I made a promise, okay? I promised to love you for the rest of my life when I asked you to marry me, and nowhere in there did I ever say I’d let you go. So, whatever it is, if it involves me like you’re implying, we’ll find a way to deal with it. I mean, you told me you cheated on me with fucking Leo, broke my heart, and I almost died, but we’re still here.” There was no way he’d ever do what she was asking. Wesley would give her the world if he could, but not that.

He swallowed thickly at her calling the house home, but nodded his head and began the walk there while keeping an arm wrapped around Raye. The walk didn’t even last longer than ten minutes before he was walking them up the stairs of the home. When he unlocked the door, he let her in first before following behind her and closing the door. “Come on,” he said as she gently led her to the couch. Wes sat down first against one edge before gently tugging Raye into his side. “There, we’re alone, and we can talk. No eyes watching us, no more yelling, judging, or accusations. Just us.”

----

Hearing him say he did die made her heart stop, she was pretty sure that if she had been on a heart monitor it would have just flatlined. Her breath caught in her throat and it took her a moment to just look over at him. She shook her head and let out a breath. "You died." she frowned a bit of shock rolling off her as her brain truly caught up to what he was saying. "You coded..." she muttered her eyes wide. As he continued on, reminding her of the promise, of what had already happened and that he would still be around she let out a long breath and let him lead her down the street and to the house. She knew that once they were inside, once they were away from the prying eyes of people in the street she'd have to explain it all, she'd have to tell him the truth, tell him something she knew would break his heart worse than the lie she had told a year ago. The only bits of comfort she took was that he would know the truth... and his arm around her. She felt like she was falling apart and that strong arm wrapped around her frame was the only thing keeping her together. She hadn't expected him to keep her close once they arrived at the house, so sitting so close to him had her stomach flipping and her head spinning. "Just us" she repeated as her hand subconsciously went to her stomach once more. "I -- I'm not even sure the best way to start all of this Wesley... So much " she looked up, her eyes searching for the correct words as if they were suspended over their heads. "So fucking much has happened since that day" she muttered. "And I don't know if I'm drunk enough to talk on it without sobbing my eyes out." She said as she rubbed her face with a free hand. "What -- Where do you want me to start? With Ava? With what happened in LA? With why I'm back?"

----

He nodded his head when she repeated what he said. That wasn’t something that needed to be clarified when it was obvious that Raye heard him. “Do you think that us breaking up is what the fate was speaking about,” he asked curiously. “I mean think about it. Things change based on our decisions, but if your fate was for your to be placed in this situation, maybe the misinterpretation of it was what could kill me.” Wesley didn’t blame her for his car accident. That is horrible, and he wouldn’t do that for anyone. Still, Wesley wished that he would have been spoken to. It was so hard for him to understand how Raye had made such huge decisions without him. He understood acting on fear, but it had just caused them so much pain. .

Having Raye in his arms and in the house was bittersweet for the man. It was the life they were supposed to have just minus the bloodshot eyes from crying and spilling of secrets, but it was those things that reminded him how far they were from that dream. “Do you want a drink,” he asked without moving from beside her. He knew how much Raye liked affection when she was panicking, so he’d let her decide if she wanted a drink that badly. “I want to know everything, Raye. We’ve always been honest. I don’t know when our communication got so sideways, but let’s try and get on the right track now,” he said calmly as he could even though he was nervous to hear what she had to say. “Just start with wherever it’s easiest.”

----

"A drink would be nice" she said and then shrugged her shoulders, eyebrows raising as she did so. She wasn't sure what to think anymore. What to believe anymore when it came to fate and the strings. It was a mess and she hated herself for even believing any of it. "You're right. It does change all the time.. I just took her warning and I--I couldn't deal with the idea of you dying because of us." she sighed burrying her head in her hands. She felt him shift and get up to get them drinks and while he did she took a couple of deep breaths. "Easiest." she started lifting her head from her hands and leaning back into the couch, eyes staring up at the ceiling. "Easiest would be that my dad told me I had to come back because I was in danger over these kidnappings and that they were getting worse" she said rubbing her temples. "That he thought this place was safer... of course that was before the minotaur attack. I can't help but wonder if he's regretting that now." she glanced over to Wesley. "But I guess I can start from the beginning." .

She shifted, pulling her feet up under her butt as she continued to take deep breaths between sentences. "I ran into Ava after one of my plays; the two of us got to talking, hit it off really... but she noticed I wasn't feeling 100% and I guess decided to read me; she saw our string said it was frayed. That a frayed almost broken string of fate meant one side of the string was close to death. " She took the drink as he came to sit back down and instantly took a long sip of it. "I know my dad is mad at me, he's been mad at me and Lyric since we broke up; so thinking that our string was close to breaking? I know he doesn't like what's happened but i also know he wont kill me. you on the other hand he might be more open to." she glanced over at him and let out a sigh, "I acted on instinct to protect you." she shrugged. "I figured the only way to keep you safe, to keep dad from going after you was to get away from you" she laughed now, it was a broken hollow sound. "But I know you, you wouldn't let me go without a fight Wes. I had to come up with something that would make you not chase me..... and well you know that part." she hung her head and decided against actually saying Leo's name. She didn't need to upset Wesley more than she already had. .

"So I left." she continued, "I moved to LA. Started working again in VA more full time -- the studio I used was only a short train ride from my house. So I walked to and from the train station every day.” She ran a hand through her hair and stared at the blank wall ahead of her. “I guess… I guess my comings and goings garnered attention.” she frowned, lifted her drink to her lips and finished the whole thing in one go. She didn’t care if she ended up sick now. “I was walking home one day after work and — two guys… they — I was less than a block from my place. They jumped me… they stole my purse, my jewelry, my necklace.” her hand moved to the necklace that she wore, the engagement ring still hanging from it. She closed her eyes and her hand fell from the necklace to her stomach. “I — they — I found out…” she let out a choked sob now, “I had been pretty fucked up and they had kicked my stomach a lot because of how loud I screamed.. I think they were trying to knock the breath out of me so I’d shut up.” she explained, trying to rationalize why it happened, trying to hold off telling him what was truly painful about all this. Instead she dug around in her purse, tears still streaming down her face and she pulled out a picture and handed it to him “I — I found out I was pregnant.” she finally said it was a sonogram of her stomach at 12 weeks, “But — the beating….” she shook her head and her hand rested back on her stomach.

----

Wesley couldn’t help but laugh at the idea that arriving back on the island was safer. ”I bet he’s kicking himself in the ass right about now,” he said honestly. That whole situation had been absolutely hell, and two people he cared a lot about had suffered greatly. “I’m happy I found you in the mist of all that though,” he said honestly. . As he listened to Raye explain why she’d vanished and lied to him, and while he got how that could be scary, it was still crazy to plan so much without him. Raye had told him multiple times how much of a big baby Hades was being about her break up with Lyric, but to want him dead? That was a whole new level of irrational thinking. “Raye, babe, I get learning all that must have been scary as hell. I’d lose my shit if I heard something was going to happen to you, but why didn’t you talk to me? I know I can be stubborn and wouldn’t want to let you go, but we could have brainstormed.” The Leo thing still pissed him off, but now that he knew the whole story, at least his chest didn’t feel like it was constantly caving in. “The worst part though was the lie about cheating, and if you ever do that to me again, I won’t even want to talk to you to work it out, okay? Just — not again.”  

The two of them weren’t back together. Hell, he didn’t even know what it would take to get them back to that point, but he didn’t hate Raye. He didn’t even want to try and pretend like he did which was a large improvement from when he woke up. However, right then he was focused more on listening to the parts that he didn’t know. As the story went on though, he wished he hadn’t.  . Breathing stopped and his mind went blank as he realized he would have been a father. The universe was fucking horrible because what the hell? All he wanted was a family with the woman beside him, and he’d lost all of it literally because of strings. It wasn’t the time for him to mourn though or deal with his pain because Raye was the one who had lost a tiny being that she had been carrying. What said more about the two of them than anything was the fact that he didn’t even need to ask if the baby was his. He knew Raye. “Fuck Raye, I,” he started but no words would help. So, he just put his own drink on the end table and gently tugged her to lay against him. Nothing would make it okay. He wasn’t okay, and neither was she, so why try to find the words when they wouldn’t make a difference.  

Before she moved towards him though, she handed him a picture. In it held the tiniest bean that represented their child, their baby. His eyes welled with tears as he looked at the last shred of evidence that a little baby existed. Their baby. As he held the picture with one hand, he lightly ran a finger over the image. “Our — our baby,” he said with a choked voice. He quickly coughed though to try and push it back.

----

She wanted to make a comment on her father’s idiocy, but honestly, there wasn’t much to say about it, Hades knew how much of an idiot he was. He had to…. Right? She shook away the thoughts and just smiled faintly at the comment, “I’m glad you did too.” she said running her hand through her hair again, “Who knows how I would have ended up.” she said and let her eyes dance along the lines in the ceiling as she let her emotions wash over her, but the word babe caught her attention and had her eyes snapping over to him. “I can’t easily explain my thought process then. Other than I knew it was close to splitting and I panicked.” She looked away as she spoke, actually looking at Wesley as she admitted that there was no excuse for her not to have talked to him. “I just -- knew that there was no way to -- to, I guess, to get away, which felt like the only way to keep you safe.” she kept her eyes far away from him, not even daring to look his way as she spoke. Her head snapped over to him and she furrowed her brow, “Do it again?” she muttered rather confused. The idea of her even getting the chance to do it seemed…. Impossible. “I wouldn’t” she added a split second later. Tears were still sliding down her face as she spoke, her heart aching as she thought back on those couple months. They were the hardest of her life. Things had started getting easier after the first four or so months in LA, but she hadn’t ever really been happy during it. Just -- easier. She kept one hand on her belly, it was a truly subconscious thing she did any time she thought about her baby. She shook her head when he tried to give it back. “It’s yours to keep…” she managed to get out blinking away tears “They were your baby too, you… you deserve a physical part of hi-them too, even if you didn’t get to know them.”

Raye let herself be pulled into him, it took her a moment but she rolled onto her side, resting her head on his chest as she clenched her eyes shut tight. She listened to his heart beating, the sound of his breathing before she spoke again. “I have a copy at my place in a frame.” she muttered letting a couple of heartbeats pass and soothe her nerves, “I just -- also always have one in my purse because I want to feel close to him--them,” she explained, in her heart and soul, she knew the baby had been a little boy. “For the longest time, it was as close as I could be to you too.” Raye muttered turning her head slightly so she could look up at Wesley, “I -- I’m sorry for all that’s happened.”

----

Thinking back to when he spotted Raye in front of a charging Minotaur, Wesley had never been so scared in his damn life. Not when the car hit his own, or when he’d been told his heart had stopped momentarily at the hospital came close. He didn’t even have time to process the shock of seeing Raye back in Icaria before he acted. “If I’m around, I’ll always try to keep you safe. You should know that,” he said with a shrug. That was just the person he was. Once you were loved by Wesley, you were one of his people. He did anything for his people. “You know me well that’s for sure,” he grumbled. He never thought she’d use that knowledge to find the best way to get away from him, but being connected to Greek Gods came with weird situations. “Telling me you cheated on me with that moron was a way to ensure I stayed put. I wouldn’t even know how to make things work if you’d cheated on me.” He truthfully didn’t think he could. Trust was so big to Wesley, and he wouldn’t ever be able to live with having to second guess everything. He wasn’t the guy who would ever check phones, or any of that stuff.

The sonogram picture broke his heart in a way he didn’t even know was possible. He hadn’t even known that the little baby had existed, and immediately, he felt a pain within him. An aching for the loss that shouldn’t have happened. Wesley wanted to keep it together though. Somehow, he had to make that happen because Raye was barely keeping it together. The slip of the male pronoun almost made him lose it, but he shoved it back down. Later on when he was alone he’d be able to cry, wallow, and be angry at the world, but right then he had to be better. “Thank you for this,” he said of the sonogram as he gently placed it on the end table beside him. “And thank you for telling me. I want to be here for you. You shouldn’t have to go through this alone anymore.” In what capacity he’d be there, he had no idea. Those were logistics and feelings they could figure out later.

Wesley maneuvered himself so they could both be sort of laying together on the sofa as he held onto her. He rubbed her back soothingly, and almost thought of going under her shirt because it definitely felt better, but he had no idea if that would be weird anymore. “That’s normal. Maybe we can get it put in a locket, or maybe not the sonogram, but what you would have named the baby engraved,” he offered quietly. It was something she could physically touch when needed that would be more discrete. He made a note to look into it. “Well, you can come see me now whenever you want, alright? Text me or just pop by. I don’t care.” The apology was something he thought he needed, but really, an explanation covered everything. While he didn’t agree with how she handled the situation, and least now he had all the answers. “This — the baby, wasn’t your fault. It was those idiots who robbed you, okay? I’ll never blame you for that. Don’t even counter that if you would have stayed here that it wouldn’t have happened, you know as well as I do we don’t have control over the fates and will never know what was written in our plans. But, we’ll get through this, okay?” He placed a kiss to the top of her head out of habit in the hopes that she could feel just a little bit better.

----

She nodded her head because deep down she knew that he would do what he could to keep her safe. The thought that he’d let her die if he saw her in trouble was outlandish and completely out of character for the man. He lived to help people and took care of anyone he saw in need. And she knew that even if he hated her -- he wouldn’t let her suffer. “I know.” she said simply. Raye sucked in a long breath, her chest heaving with the inhale and slowly let it out. “He’s not -- ” she started but decided against it. Leo was her friend, he protected her and helped her when she was desperate and scared. He did it without hesitation and for that, she’d be appreciative, even if in the end it was all a huge fuck up. “I couldn’t ever cheat on you; have you met yourself? You’re to good of a person to think someone could actually be better” she said, her voice was hoarse from crying, eyes red and she knew she looked a mess, but -- she would never miss an opportunity to compliment the man. She sat silently holding onto the idea of making things work as if it was a lifeline and she was a sinking ship.

Raye nodded her head, “Of course. You deserved to know.” at the mention of going through it alone, her chest tightened and she looked down towards her hand, “You and Lyric are the only ones who know. I haven’t even told Lilah.” she said and bit down on her bottom lip, it would come as no surprise to anyone who knew Raye well that Lyric knew before most anyone else. She swallowed hard and closed her eyes, “You should have been first -- but there was…. There was…” her voice faded off, she knew he’d understand where she was going with that, that she hadn’t been ready to tell him or even see him. Hell, she was still conflicted about seeing him. She wanted nothing more than to cry to him and be held without a second thought but she knew they were both overthinking their every movement.

As he moved them she let herself curl into his side, hand on his chest, and face buried in his side. She inhaled deeply and felt her body relax between the circles being rubbed on her back and the familiar smell of Wesley. “I -- I had thought about Ryder.” she said as she imagined the son she could have had. “I know that was --- that was a name you mentioned once as a name you’d want for ou- a son” she said rather quietly. She didn’t know if she had the right to use that name, it had been one he loved, and while yes, it was his child who had died, she didn’t want to take away a name he may still have wanted to use for whenever he had children. “It’s hard not to blame yourself when something like this happens… But I’ll try not to.” she said taking a deep sigh, she knew the fates were assholes sometimes and they wanted people to “” learn lessons “” but she wouldn’t ever forgive them for this. She glanced up at him after she felt the kiss on her head, it was slightly awkward with how they were laying but looking at him and laying on his chest her stomach flipped and she felt her cheeks warm just slightly. “I’ll keep that in mind,” she said with a small smile. “Don’t be surprised if I come by often,” she added quietly, “being around someone who -- understands the pain and cares is -- really comforting,” Raye explained before resting her head back on his chest and sighing. “Tell me -- about what you’ve been up to since -- everything happened.”

----

Hearing her start to defend Leo wasn’t surprising to him, but he was happy that she decided to stop. It was still to fresh of a wound for him, and the last thing she wanted was for them to fight. Hearing her words made his heart race faster because everything was just spinning on it’s axis. All that he’d been told, which was horrible, was a lie. Instead the woman he loved had suffered impossibly and was back home telling him that she’d done everything for him. It was a lot to take in, and he knew he hadn’t been able to digest it all yet. “Do you still love me,” he asked when he replayed what she’d said. Raye was impossible sweet all the time, but she only ever said things she believed completely. Still, Wesley had to know where she stood. “I’m not mad Lyric knows first. I mean, I’m just happy you finally talked to someone, Raye. Don’t do this again okay? No more leaving everything behind. We can face anything together, okay,” he said with the utmost confidence. If he had fought for Raye more, maybe things would have been better. Maybe what had happened wouldn’t have happened, but he wouldn’t voice that. He didn’t need to have Raye comforting him. That wasn’t what he wanted. She was the one going through unimaginable pain. “Plus, I get that coming to me wasn’t the easiest thing. This is all just a cluster fuck,” he said with a small laugh. There really was no better way to describe there situation .

Wesley swallowed thickly as he heard the name she wanted to choose. It was definitely at the top of his list for names. “Our son,” he corrected her. “You can say our son because no matter what we were, I would have been there. So, ours, okay? You don’t have to keep correcting that.” His voice was getting a little raspy from emotion, but he was doing a pretty good job of keeping it in check. He’d unload everything on his own when he could, but he was happy to be there for the woman he cared most about. “I can only imagine, but it’s not your fault. I’ll tell you that as many times as you need to hear it, and I’m not mad, disappointed, or anything at you for this. I’m hurt for you, and I want to do what I can to help you heal,” he said honestly. “Come over as much as you want. Just don’t be surprised if you see another woman around. I’m not involved with her or anyone before you ask,” he quickly explained with wide eyes when he realized how that sounded. “It’s Mira. Be careful, she was a huntress of Artemis, so traps may be a thing.” He sounded far less concerned by that than he should be, but he was used to it by now. “You know, just working really and taking care of Gianna when she lets me. I slept with someone once, but I just — it didn’t feel right, and we’re just friends. I guess I haven’t gotten over you yet.”

----

Raye didn't really know what she had wanted from this conversation, what she had hoped to gain by telling him the truth, other than -- for him to just know. But she hadnt been expecting to be snuggled up to him on a sofa crying while he asked her that question. It was loaded and could mean a lot; answering dishonestly (a no) could push them apart for good even as friends to some extent. But it may save Wesley from whatever bullshit she felt the world was bound to throw at her, what maybe even her father was going to throw at her. But -- that would be wrong, and she couldn’t lie or hurt him again. So after a long moment and trying to build up the courage to say something she used to say on the daily, she breathed out a “Of course I do” She hadn’t realized how admitting such a thing would make her mouth go dry and her heart pound in her chest. “I never…. I never stopped loving you.” If she hadn’t just been asked that and felt these symptoms she would have assumed she was sick -- hell she still felt sick just with the emotions raging through her. As Wesley continued to talk. She propped herself up on an elbow and looked down at him a sad smile on her face, but she nodded. “I wouldn’t. I can admit I was a fucking idiot to do that. I’m sorry by the way.” She had a feeling she'd forever be apologizing to him for what transpired in the past year. Raye nodded her head “A cluster fuck for sure.” .

She was still popped up on her elbow when he spoke of their son and she flashed a heartbroken smile. She had gotten so used to saying our in their years together, and she had already started trying to retrain her brain to not say those things about him. She had gotten pretty good at it -- at least when she wasn’t around Wesley. Apparently being near him messed with her habits and words more than she realized. “Our son.” she repeated and then laid her head back down on his chest. She furrowed her brow and tried to keep her stomach, and jealousy, in line. She had no right to judge him at all or feel any sort of jealousy towards anyone he spent time with. “Mira?” she asked rather confused, “Why- why would she be setting traps around the house?” Now she was mostly curious and a bit concerned if this woman was gonna end up hurting someone with the traps. She fell silent as Wesley continued to speak on what he had been up to; her heart feeling like it was going to fall out of her when she heard he had tried to move on. She knew he would one day, had expected it and wanted it to some extent -- but to actually hear it? Well it rubbed her the wrong way. But she bit her tongue and kept quiet. Now… wasn’t the time to ask about those sorts of things, if they ever worked out their issues and tried again, then maybe. But right now? Now she had no right to ask those things. “ Oh. I mean -- I get that. I’ve done the same.” she muttered, that was not something she had planned on admitting to Wesley but here she was. Oh well. “Nothing would have ever come from that,” she added, her face heated and she tried to hide it from him as a memory of that night flashed through her mind.

----

Wesley really should have realized that him asking such a thing would mean he’d have to either get hurt or answer it back. Really, who let someone say something like that without saying it back? Especially since he knew he loved Raye. Sure, he was hurt, confused, and angry at the way things had gone down, but she was the woman he wanted to make his wife. Love like that didn’t just go away even if it would be easier if it did. Picking up the pieces of their relationship and putting them back together wouldn’t be easy if they decided to go that route, but it had to be worth it. “I love you too,” he said with a small smile before letting out a breath he’d been holding. “I don’t know what that means or where we will go from here, but I love you, so that’s a good start, right?” It had to be better than where many other people started at least. There hadn’t been any cheating or break of trust, so it could totally be worse. When Raye lifted herself up again to show her face, Wesley gave her a side ways smile and moved his hands from her back. He gently wiped the small amount of tears on her cheeks away before saying, “Good, good. And it’s okay. Just stop crying pretty lady.” Raye could have mascara running down her face, and Wesley knew he’d still say she looked like a million bucks.

“Thank you,” he said in response to her changing something as simple as a word to our. It just sounded so odd to hear her keep stumbling over what to call their baby. The pain wasn’t just Raye’s to bear, and he wanted her to remember that she wasn’t along in all of it. She may have been alone for a long time which none of them could help, but he could be there now. Child or not, his responsibility was never gone. That’s not how Wes operated. “She likes to protect things she cares about, and even though she won’t say it, I’m one of those people. Just walk carefully,” he said the last bit in a questioning, playful tone. Hearing that Raye had done the same made Wesley feel better oddly enough. At least both of them had the same, clean slate. It would be weird if it was one sided. However, he could feel her trying to hide from his gaze which only ever meant that she was embarrassed by something. They’d been together for too long for him not to be able to notice all the little quirks that she’d do. “Whoa whoa, you’re gonna burn me from the heat radiating from your face,” he teased while playfully poking her sides. “What’s got you all embarrassed?”

----

Raye’s face was still hiding in his shirt, her cheeks still warm and only growing warmer by the second at the words I love you. Her heart was pounding wildly in her chest, her stomach flipped -- it felt like she was hearing it for the first time all over again. Of course she wasn’t, but -- after not hearing it for a year? It felt like a new thing and either way she had never expected to hear it out of Wesley’s mouth again. Raye felt tears spring to her eyes and she finally looked up at him, her body slowly releasing all the knots she had building up over the past year. “That’s a great start,” she said before pushing herself up just a little and leaning over his face to place a small, gentle kiss on his lips. She hadn’t let herself second guess the kiss, she just went for what her gut said was an okay thing to do. She wasn’t sure Wesley would be 100% on board -- but she knew he’d understand her passion and thoughts, at least to some extent. “We’re in a better place than some people are.” she added as she pulled back and resettled on his chest.

The touch of her cheek and that smile made her feel like a frog was caught in her throat. Gods he was so handsome, so sweet. She had been a serious fool to have left him, even for a day. “I’ll keep an eye out … and hope she doesn’t hate me if I can explain…” she muttered shaking her head. As she heard his tone change from more concern and careful words to the more teasing side her face turned redder and redder and putting out more heat. It was a side effect of being a Hades child -- fire and heat, she literally radiated it when she felt strong emotions. “NOTHING!” she squeaked when she felt his finger poke at her side. “Nothing at ALL” She buried her face even deeper into his shirt, completely hidden from view. But there was no stopping the heat that came off of her at her embarrassment.

----

Seeing Raye be so bashful wasn’t something that he got to see very often, so he usually relished in it when it happened. Couple that with the weight lifted off his chest after telling Raye he loved her, and well Wesley was the most weird bundle of happiness and sadness ever. The two of them had been through hell and back together, and he didn’t know what to think. Luckily, he didn’t have to think too long because Raye short circuited his brain with a kiss. He reciprocated it without thinking and smiled at her when they parted. “Great place if that kiss says anything,” he joked lightly. He needed a break from all the heavy, or else he was going to end up breaking down himself. That wasn’t something he wanted to do in front of Raye. She felt bad enough. There was no need for her to see him break when things weren’t her fault.

“I’ll put a good word in,” he said sincerely. “Plus, she’s far too curious not to let people explain. While she can be hotheaded, she likes having all the information.” Mira was definitely not someone to mess with, but he believed she’d easily see how their situation wasn’t black and white. She’d be protective, but it should be okay. “Listen,” he exclaimed playfully. “You’re going to give me a burn if you keep heating up,” he managed to get out in between laughs. “Oh, it’s so not nothing. You don’t get this worked up over nothing, Raye.”

----

His comment on her kiss only deepened her blush and made her hide her face more, and at the mention of a burn, she took a deep breath and soothed the warmth that was trying to escape her. Apparently once a pyro -- always one. She calmed the heat down but her face was still as red as her lipstick. She pursed her lips and sat up, moving so she was sitting on her own feet. She let her hair cover her face as she tried to hide her embarrassment. She wanted to be close -- but what had her so embarrassed she wasn’t sure she could be touching Wesley without bursting into flames because of it. So she took a couple of breaths before she lifted her head to look at him, then the ceiling, her cheeks almost normal now that she wasn’t touching him.

“So… as I said. I had slept with someone during all this -- just once because what happened ” her cheeks had started to redden but she quickly looked to him, hoping that her embarrassment would convey that she wasn’t trying to hurt him by telling him this “I uh…. I was with this guy. And well -- things were getting there and you know I’m loud…” she grumbled. “I may have… umh.” her eyes closed “Moaned your name instead.” she added quickly while peeking one eye open to gauge his reaction. “Which is how I realized nothing could have ever come from it because I’ve been to hung up on you since the day I left.”

Wesley waited patiently for his ex to collect herself. If he wanted to get the answer, he needed to let her cool down before he was the one all hot and bothered, and not in a good way. Waiting totally paid off too because the answer he got was hilarious. He couldn’t help the laugh that erupted from his belly when he heard it, and he was pretty sure there were tears in his eyes from laughing. “Holy shit,” he said once he calmed down a bit. “So, you gave him the best compliment ever,” Wesley teased lightly. “If it makes you feel any better, I had to get drunk off my ass to even have anything happen. I mean so drunk I don’t remember anything that happened. I didn’t even know the woman’s name until I saw her around town later. It’s Viv by the way, but you don’t have anything to worry about. Both of us were just hurting,” he said with a shrug. “So, I guess if you’re going to be moaning my name anyway, you should just sleep with me, right?” ---- Raye's cheeks were still bright red and she pursed her lips trying not to look more more embarrassed than she already was. "I mean YES" she said shrugging refusing to make eye contact with him. "It is the best compliment a man could get." she chuckled. Raye then nodded her head, it wasn't something she particularly wanted to know, but it would make it not so awkward in the future if she saw Viv. "Sorry you were both hurting..." She was still refusing to look at him but when he mentioned moaning his name her eyes shot over to him "Exsu--are you -- I mean, yes, preferably," her cheeks instantly heating back up. ----- They just stayed up talking and ended up falling asleep cuddling ----

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